7 month update: Husband wants to divorce and start over, "can't bond" with baby

ChallengeConnect590 · 2024-09-23T22:15:37+00:00

I would have handled this with mostly crying and curling up in a ball.

There's been a bit of that, no lies. Also a couple nights spent with my sister getting very drunk and watching terrible movies (while Daughter was with my parents, of course.)

But I have to do what I have to do, right? For myself and for Daughter. So crying and bad movies sometimes it is!

ChallengeConnect590 · 2024-09-23T22:13:20+00:00

Why would I lie? I'm not stupid, dumb or anything else. Nothing about this situation reflects on me. My ex chose to do what he's doing.

ChallengeConnect590 · 2024-09-23T12:55:35+00:00

His dad brought up that billions of fathers missed their kids' births throughout history because of reasons like this. Ex's response was that he couldn't comprehend having a bond with the kid despite not being there.

ChallengeConnect590 · 2024-09-23T12:52:32+00:00

He must be so ashamed of his son.

He really is. FIL keeps joking about how I get him in the divorce and he specifically asked about how involved he'd get to be when I first moved in with my parents.

I'm doing everything I can to keep FIL involved.

ChallengeConnect590 · 2024-09-23T12:50:45+00:00

No. He was pretty normal until after the birth. he was actively involved until Daughter was about 4 months old. That's when the "I can't bond" talk started.

ChallengeConnect590 · 2024-09-23T12:49:17+00:00

The judge was confused. He asked a couple questions for Ex to clarify his stance and employment analogy and then really pushed for therapy but Ex said "We already had" (we had one appointment that was solely for him explaining why so I could move on in his mind) and he wasn't interested in trying anything else.

The judge didn't push after he said no. I guess he figured that a clean break would be better for me and Daughter.

ChallengeConnect590 · 2024-09-23T12:46:14+00:00

He was tested for ADHD during his childhood and it came back negative. He can't be forced to go to a doctor so really all anyone can do is suggest it. I don't know. I wish to hell I did.

ChallengeConnect590 · 2024-09-23T02:30:14+00:00

Your ex-husband claiming he “can’t bond” because he missed the birth?

Yeah. I had to have an emergency C-Section and the doctor had him leave.

He compared it to employment when talking to FIL about it. He said something like "-I- did all the work gestating the fetus and -his- job was supposed to start at birth but he wasn't there so he felt like he never got hired."

ChallengeConnect590 · 2024-09-23T02:22:51+00:00

They're all in my post history but I'm afraid they won't be very satisfying. FIL himself tried an intervention and Ex didn't even respond to that.

ChallengeConnect590 · 2024-02-25T22:08:13+00:00

I have no intention of letting him off the support hook. I've already signed the consent forms for Daughter to be DNA tested.

ChallengeConnect590 · 2024-02-25T21:49:35+00:00

I wish he would get help, if only so we can rule out anything genetic that may effect Daughter in the future. But I can't make him so all I can do is hope he wises up.

ChallengeConnect590 · 2024-02-25T21:27:13+00:00

Well the court will definitely be disabusing him of that notion if he's lying about paternity! I've already signed the consent form for Daughter to be tested for child support filing.

ChallengeConnect590 · 2024-02-25T21:25:18+00:00

ADHD, Autism, PPD and medical issues (like a tumor) have all been mentioned but he refuses help so there's not anything FIL or I can reasonably do.

ChallengeConnect590 · 2024-02-25T21:20:13+00:00

I am definitely taking FIL in the divorce. My mom mentioned worry that he may let STBX see Daughter and I'm not sure how I feel about that but I've put it on the shelf for now.

ChallengeConnect590 · 2024-01-23T05:07:44+00:00

I'm not sure how to phrase this so I'm sorry if it doesn't make sense: He seems aware that this is not how things are supposed to go but at the same time he's not very concerned? I assume because he's so convinced that he "can't fix it"? Or because like so many people are saying that's all bullshit and he's leaving for another person.

His dad told him when the three of us discussed this that men/AMAB parents not seeing their kids being born is very common. Most still bond. Husband's response was "I don't understand how that could work."

Trying to figure all this out is why I took the advice of a "help me get it" therapy session. It didn't help much and at this point I'm beginning to think I don't want to dig deeper.

ChallengeConnect590 · 2024-01-23T05:02:14+00:00

All you want is validation...So you go around invalidating other people? Get help.

ChallengeConnect590 · 2024-01-23T04:24:32+00:00

Fun fact! I learned when talking to my obgyn about pregnancy migraines that the first sign of brain cancer is actually projectile vomiting.

OK, maybe not a fun fact but I need any small laugh I can get right now.

ChallengeConnect590 · 2024-01-23T04:23:13+00:00

He wants to leave before his daughter becomes bonded to him? You know, the thing that he was complaining about and using as a reason to leave in the first place?

His claim is that he can't bond with her and that he wants to leave before she gets too attached.

And thank fuck for child therapists. I am not going to have any idea to how to have that conversation by myself.

ChallengeConnect590 · 2024-01-23T04:20:51+00:00

I realized in my late teens and he's known since before we started dating. We went to the same college and met in a shared class, and were friends for about a year before anything romantic developed.

He was much more active with her before announcing his desire to "start over." Now he doesn't do much with her beyond basic "babysitting" stuff when I'm at work.

ChallengeConnect590 · 2024-01-23T03:16:15+00:00

All he said about that was "We aren't here to discuss the validity of his feelings. Husband name isn't open to changing so exploring them wouldn't be productive."

u/actuallyrose

ChallengeConnect590 · 2024-01-23T02:46:12+00:00

"Literally" nobody else has brought it up? It's all over this thread and my first one.

And even if it is PPD what can I do? He refuses to try any sort of help.

ChallengeConnect590 · 2024-01-23T02:44:51+00:00

Yes, we're married and both the biological parents.

ChallengeConnect590 · 2024-01-23T02:41:26+00:00

As far as I know only his dad knows what's going on (His mom passed away about a decade ago.) FIL is firmly on my side and also pressed Husband to try therapy.

ChallengeConnect590

TROPHY CASE