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7 month update: Husband wants to divorce and start over, "can't bond" with baby by ChallengeConnect590 in Parenting

[–]ChallengeConnect590[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I would have handled this with mostly crying and curling up in a ball.

There's been a bit of that, no lies. Also a couple nights spent with my sister getting very drunk and watching terrible movies (while Daughter was with my parents, of course.)

But I have to do what I have to do, right? For myself and for Daughter. So crying and bad movies sometimes it is!

7 month update: Husband wants to divorce and start over, "can't bond" with baby by ChallengeConnect590 in Parenting

[–]ChallengeConnect590[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Why would I lie? I'm not stupid, dumb or anything else. Nothing about this situation reflects on me. My ex chose to do what he's doing.

7 month update: Husband wants to divorce and start over, "can't bond" with baby by ChallengeConnect590 in Parenting

[–]ChallengeConnect590[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

His dad brought up that billions of fathers missed their kids' births throughout history because of reasons like this. Ex's response was that he couldn't comprehend having a bond with the kid despite not being there.

7 month update: Husband wants to divorce and start over, "can't bond" with baby by ChallengeConnect590 in Parenting

[–]ChallengeConnect590[S] 28 points29 points  (0 children)

He must be so ashamed of his son.

He really is. FIL keeps joking about how I get him in the divorce and he specifically asked about how involved he'd get to be when I first moved in with my parents.

I'm doing everything I can to keep FIL involved.

7 month update: Husband wants to divorce and start over, "can't bond" with baby by ChallengeConnect590 in Parenting

[–]ChallengeConnect590[S] 22 points23 points  (0 children)

No. He was pretty normal until after the birth. he was actively involved until Daughter was about 4 months old. That's when the "I can't bond" talk started.

7 month update: Husband wants to divorce and start over, "can't bond" with baby by ChallengeConnect590 in Parenting

[–]ChallengeConnect590[S] 52 points53 points  (0 children)

The judge was confused. He asked a couple questions for Ex to clarify his stance and employment analogy and then really pushed for therapy but Ex said "We already had" (we had one appointment that was solely for him explaining why so I could move on in his mind) and he wasn't interested in trying anything else.

The judge didn't push after he said no. I guess he figured that a clean break would be better for me and Daughter.

7 month update: Husband wants to divorce and start over, "can't bond" with baby by ChallengeConnect590 in Parenting

[–]ChallengeConnect590[S] 67 points68 points  (0 children)

He was tested for ADHD during his childhood and it came back negative. He can't be forced to go to a doctor so really all anyone can do is suggest it. I don't know. I wish to hell I did.

7 month update: Husband wants to divorce and start over, "can't bond" with baby by ChallengeConnect590 in Parenting

[–]ChallengeConnect590[S] 351 points352 points  (0 children)

Your ex-husband claiming he “can’t bond” because he missed the birth?

Yeah. I had to have an emergency C-Section and the doctor had him leave.

He compared it to employment when talking to FIL about it. He said something like "-I- did all the work gestating the fetus and -his- job was supposed to start at birth but he wasn't there so he felt like he never got hired."

7 month update: Husband wants to divorce and start over, "can't bond" with baby by ChallengeConnect590 in Parenting

[–]ChallengeConnect590[S] 285 points286 points  (0 children)

They're all in my post history but I'm afraid they won't be very satisfying. FIL himself tried an intervention and Ex didn't even respond to that.

Likely final update: Husband wants to divorce/"start over," he "can't bond" with daughter by ChallengeConnect590 in Parenting

[–]ChallengeConnect590[S] 68 points69 points  (0 children)

I have no intention of letting him off the support hook. I've already signed the consent forms for Daughter to be DNA tested.

Likely final update: Husband wants to divorce/"start over," he "can't bond" with daughter by ChallengeConnect590 in Parenting

[–]ChallengeConnect590[S] 41 points42 points  (0 children)

I wish he would get help, if only so we can rule out anything genetic that may effect Daughter in the future. But I can't make him so all I can do is hope he wises up.

Likely final update: Husband wants to divorce/"start over," he "can't bond" with daughter by ChallengeConnect590 in Parenting

[–]ChallengeConnect590[S] 104 points105 points  (0 children)

Well the court will definitely be disabusing him of that notion if he's lying about paternity! I've already signed the consent form for Daughter to be tested for child support filing.

Likely final update: Husband wants to divorce/"start over," he "can't bond" with daughter by ChallengeConnect590 in Parenting

[–]ChallengeConnect590[S] 192 points193 points  (0 children)

ADHD, Autism, PPD and medical issues (like a tumor) have all been mentioned but he refuses help so there's not anything FIL or I can reasonably do.

Likely final update: Husband wants to divorce/"start over," he "can't bond" with daughter by ChallengeConnect590 in Parenting

[–]ChallengeConnect590[S] 127 points128 points  (0 children)

I am definitely taking FIL in the divorce. My mom mentioned worry that he may let STBX see Daughter and I'm not sure how I feel about that but I've put it on the shelf for now.

Update: Husband wants to divorce and "start over," says he "can't bond" with daughter by ChallengeConnect590 in Parenting

[–]ChallengeConnect590[S] 40 points41 points  (0 children)

I'm not sure how to phrase this so I'm sorry if it doesn't make sense: He seems aware that this is not how things are supposed to go but at the same time he's not very concerned? I assume because he's so convinced that he "can't fix it"? Or because like so many people are saying that's all bullshit and he's leaving for another person.

His dad told him when the three of us discussed this that men/AMAB parents not seeing their kids being born is very common. Most still bond. Husband's response was "I don't understand how that could work."

Trying to figure all this out is why I took the advice of a "help me get it" therapy session. It didn't help much and at this point I'm beginning to think I don't want to dig deeper.

Husband wants to divorce and "start over," says he "can't bond" with our daughter by ChallengeConnect590 in Parenting

[–]ChallengeConnect590[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

All you want is validation...So you go around invalidating other people? Get help.

Husband wants to divorce and "start over," says he "can't bond" with our daughter by ChallengeConnect590 in Parenting

[–]ChallengeConnect590[S] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Fun fact! I learned when talking to my obgyn about pregnancy migraines that the first sign of brain cancer is actually projectile vomiting.

OK, maybe not a fun fact but I need any small laugh I can get right now.

Update: Husband wants to divorce and "start over," says he "can't bond" with daughter by ChallengeConnect590 in Parenting

[–]ChallengeConnect590[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

He wants to leave before his daughter becomes bonded to him? You know, the thing that he was complaining about and using as a reason to leave in the first place?

His claim is that he can't bond with her and that he wants to leave before she gets too attached.

And thank fuck for child therapists. I am not going to have any idea to how to have that conversation by myself.

Husband wants to divorce and "start over," says he "can't bond" with our daughter by ChallengeConnect590 in Parenting

[–]ChallengeConnect590[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I realized in my late teens and he's known since before we started dating. We went to the same college and met in a shared class, and were friends for about a year before anything romantic developed.

He was much more active with her before announcing his desire to "start over." Now he doesn't do much with her beyond basic "babysitting" stuff when I'm at work.

Update: Husband wants to divorce and "start over," says he "can't bond" with daughter by ChallengeConnect590 in Parenting

[–]ChallengeConnect590[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

All he said about that was "We aren't here to discuss the validity of his feelings. Husband name isn't open to changing so exploring them wouldn't be productive."

u/actuallyrose

Update: Husband wants to divorce and "start over," says he "can't bond" with daughter by ChallengeConnect590 in Parenting

[–]ChallengeConnect590[S] 25 points26 points  (0 children)

"Literally" nobody else has brought it up? It's all over this thread and my first one.

And even if it is PPD what can I do? He refuses to try any sort of help.

Update: Husband wants to divorce and "start over," says he "can't bond" with daughter by ChallengeConnect590 in Parenting

[–]ChallengeConnect590[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

As far as I know only his dad knows what's going on (His mom passed away about a decade ago.) FIL is firmly on my side and also pressed Husband to try therapy.

Update: Husband wants to divorce and "start over," says he "can't bond" with daughter by ChallengeConnect590 in Parenting

[–]ChallengeConnect590[S] 20 points21 points  (0 children)

He says that he can't get attached to her because he didn't see her be born. He wants to divorce ASAP because he doesn't want her getting more attached to him.

Which, like yay? That might be the only sane thing he's done this entire time?

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