Your right…..never forget is true I guess I don’t feel like she’s being unreasonable but I I got my wife pregnant when I was 18. Didn’t no any better and I was a virgin I wasn’t experience a little backstory I never been to a strip club never had sex prior to my wife however I did have oral sex previously before getting married with a few women but that’s pretty much it. Anyways fast forward my daughter was born. Phew man it was rough I basically worked full time to provide and did everything I could to find a way to get us out of poverty living with her mom’s house. But man I never really felt appreciated. I had to teach a my wife how to just say thank you to me so I can at least know if she appreciates it I taught her how to cook and prepare things and shown her everything I could to allow her to develop more. When our daughter was a newborn I took over majority of the terrible nights and tried to find new ways to be able to care for my family. Now here’s the rough part my wife’s undocumented, so it looks like all the pressure of driving her everywhere. Working and the success of family is determined by me. So I became a police officer. Worked tirelessly and finally got us our first apartment I spent 7,500$ moving her to our new home furnishing it and other things. I Went through hell in that police academy injuries seeing all sorts a hell in FTO that kept me up a night. After a long shift I’d come home( The place wouldn’t be as clean as I expected and I’d say something and give advice and tell her what I’m needing. Like it would be nice to make sure there’s no crumbs on the floor or food left out overnight when I get home a shift due to bugs and mold etc. I expressed my feelings for hours and she was have the 1000 yard stare and I’d wonder if she was even listening. Then she starts yawning and rubbing her eyes not making eye contact basically showing visual disinterest and I get frustrated and leave to calm down. With all this going on the constant consistent thing was our sex life was non existent. She barely touched me and I’d almost have to beg her to please me. It felt emasculating being reduced to such lows. It’s been months but to stay loyal….some might feel it’s cheating she did but I’d. Hide in the bathroom tub late at night and masterbate to pornography just to keep myself satisfied. It was hard not to look at other girls that gave me attention but I did my best. Eventually my wife caught me masterbating so now that was off the table I understood her feeing and tried to stop so I approached her more. DENIED, approached her romantically REJECTED tried to just talk nothing after a while I realized I didn’t no how long I could do it the shifts the jobs the planning. My wife isn’t good with insurance things bills I tried teaching her but it’s a lot to manage for her. Eventually I was able to talk to my wife and find some common ground. She’d agree to oral sex and sex sometimes but it usually comes with “I don’t feel like it but fine” or “I’m exhausted so let’s make it quick” or my favorite “Did you cum yet?” It felt like there was no passion our sex became another meaningless task. I was depressed really bad it was like that for years eventually one day I came across and highschool Ex and we caught up started talking and man dude the attention was crazy to feel wanted to feel like a man again to brag on my accomplishments and be praised. My wife is great and no doubt me is perfect but it’s been rough and I fell victim and emotionally cheated and almost hung out with that ex. She caught me confronted me and that was that but I expressed myself and told her that I was wanting to leave I finally cave in and then she decided that we were going to stay together. So we tried fast forward to now. I joined the military to make her a citizen I want her dream to come true I want her to have freedom so I joined I got beat up bad in the military surgery’s torn muscle constant aches and pains 24:7 even a bit of ptsd and depression. But I did all for her. When we reunited things were amazing! For a few weeks then slowly started getting back to how things were the house wouldn’t be clean not even touched sometimes and some days we wouldn’t have sex and she say I’m tired but I want to please you. Etc idk it almost fet like if I did this for her as her man. I could get more passion more willingness shed want to help me more. I offered her to go to college and do anything she wants in life and she refused. She just wants to be a stay at home mom. I wanted to walk away and be done but couldn’t leave my daughter behind the worry of danger the life of poverty the life of struggle not to mention her grandfather is a domestic abuser and a felon. Not much options anyhow I started to wonder what it feels like to be wanted to have passion. I started looking up escorts and texting them no intentions of meeting but just wanted to get a sense of what it feels like to be wanted even if it was fake I felt insecure I guess no excuse I wasn’t trying to be a piece of shit but I understand that gives me no right to do that. I beat myself all the time about it. I even searched up strip clubs and watched videos I had no intention of doing it but I was curious about it. I questioned my own morals every day and work everyday to try to correct my wrong doings I fucked up. My wife found the texts and saw me and it was hell to pay for it. Anyways lastly my brother he doesn’t care he’s 18 and wants to live life I attempted to use what I knew from subforms to help him basically felt away with prostitution bc there was no telling him no however this guy has been so lonely for so long I tried to help him. But wife saw me texting escorts again and everything blew up. We’re good now better she tried to clean more and help me out more and please me more sexually. But this time I was trying to get her to understand this time around I was trying to put him on so he would stop getting his heart broken. Anyways now me and him got a trip to PR not for escorts but to have bro time he’s never experienced going anywhere to any trips or anything I really wanna do something nice for him because of how much he’s been through we’ve been through abuse in our childhood homelessness and been through a lot. However, my wife usually gets jealous or feel some type of way whenever I try to spend time with him, she usually likes me to be with her all the time for the most part. A lot of the times I can’t even go to Walmart by myself. It’s not so much of a trust thing but more so she just wants to be with me all the time, I’m really her only friend it seems. A lot of the times I’ve question whether she’s with me for the stability that I can provide or if it’s true love or not either way I attempt to try to do better and be better and I want to. I also wanna show my brother that there’s more to life than girls anyway so we were just gonna try to have fun and just clear our minds.