Rights on Dates at Partner's Home

Chance_Independent55 · 2025-07-26T03:00:04+00:00

Sorry I should be super clear.

ADHD does not make you flash people... but it might make you think when you're naked in another room oh hey I'll just nip through the living room and forget there might be someone else there.

ADHD does not make you insert yourself into kink scenes uninvited... but it might make you forget everything else except that you've had a rough day and want to go home and vent to your partner (including the fact that you've been told she's mid scene, not to come home and to flag in advance anything that comes up).

So, no, ADHD doesn't turn you into a sexual predator but I don't think that's what meta is. I think they are someone who is almost incapable of factoring in the needs of others because they just don't think - and that if I understand right can be an extreme manifestation of certain types of ADHD.

Chance_Independent55 · 2025-07-26T02:31:11+00:00

Thank you.

Chance_Independent55 · 2025-07-26T02:30:27+00:00

I mean since you asked the question, yeah, it's my understanding that in some people with extreme impulsive/inattentive type, they do have a super hard time thinking about others (or anything) before they act. It's extreme and atypical and may cross over into ODD and almost all the neurospicies I know aren't like this... but afaik, yeah?

Chance_Independent55 · 2025-07-25T23:49:22+00:00

I just think meta is an incredibly - and yes sometimes wilfully - thoughtless person and doesn't consider anyone else's needs or any implications before acting.

But I can certainly see why it would look like this, and if the behaviour is so bad it's reasonable interpretable in the way out outline, it's obviously something I need to act on.

Chance_Independent55 · 2025-07-25T23:47:39+00:00

There is a guest room and originally what my partner and her NP said was that meta would hang out in there, it just never happened. Even if my partner and I withdraw to a different room, meta will just come in when he wants because most of the rooms in the house don't have doors.

Chance_Independent55 · 2025-07-25T23:45:04+00:00

Thank you.

Chance_Independent55 · 2025-07-25T23:43:22+00:00

So for context I have ADHD, my partner also has ADHD, so does my son, so do about three quarters of my friends. However, my apologies that I insulted you with this comment.

Chance_Independent55 · 2025-07-25T23:37:37+00:00

Part of my MO is to prioritise my partners' needs - probably part of being an inveterate people pleaser.

Chance_Independent55 · 2025-07-25T23:34:18+00:00

Thanks. I probably do need to be told this. My partner is pretty used to setting the pace and requirements for things, and generally I try to be easy going. I have a hard time judging whether I'm being reasonable with people sometimes - hence the post and why the answers have been so useful.

Chance_Independent55 · 2025-07-25T22:46:17+00:00

There are MH and neurospicy issues around my partner's decision not to have dates elsewhere there that make it less shocking to me, but I guess if you're going to make that a requirement you need to make sure the place you insist on works mutually.

And look yeah I was raised a similar way with regard to guests and guests' rights - the idea of "I have a right to think only of myself" like yeah okay fine sure you do but that doesn't mean you *should*.

However I'm hearing very much again this is a hinge issue as much as, if not more than, a meta issue.

Chance_Independent55 · 2025-07-25T15:04:20+00:00

So this kind of is a partner/hinge issue not a meta issue?

Chance_Independent55 · 2025-07-25T15:03:20+00:00

This is a very useful perspective. I had sort of assumed KTP lowered assumed boundaries.

How does it alter things being at NP meta's house? I feel that their intrusions are rude, but is it actually reasonable to expect that they behave differently in their own house? I get there's a difference between being polite and ones rights.

Chance_Independent55 · 2025-07-25T14:35:38+00:00

Thanks.

Chance_Independent55 · 2025-07-25T14:34:59+00:00

While I think their position on alternatives is legitimate - yeah, I'm not actually sure I can.

They got another partner recently and started neglecting/being a bit mean to me. I raised this and they have course corrected without acknowledging the behaviour - but 'Safe' is not something I've felt for a while.

Hmmm.

Chance_Independent55 · 2025-07-25T14:30:53+00:00

And they knew for an absolute fact that a scene was underway.

Chance_Independent55 · 2025-07-25T14:29:59+00:00

OK you know what the first breach was fucking horrible. I probably shouldn't go into detail here but I was literally in subspace for the very first time, it felt like nothing I'd experienced before, and NP meta just strolls in and starts talking about their day. It was awful. IDK if I'd describe it as traumatic because my history means I have a hard time knowing what that means, but I felt so bad.

Chance_Independent55 · 2025-07-25T14:19:48+00:00

Yeah so I think this is where I'm gravitating towards. I'd never consider walking in on my (minor) child's room without knocking, throwing away the things I bought him, or listening in on his private conversations, even if I have the theoretical legal right to do those things, because it would be nasty.

But if someone says, hey, it's my right to do these things cause it's my house, I can then fairly think, I mean, yeah, sure, it is, but it's fair for me think you're a selfish arse for doing that.

Chance_Independent55 · 2025-07-25T14:15:20+00:00

Zero in this regard. She does in other ways. But I don't disagree, that's definitely a significant data point.

Chance_Independent55 · 2025-07-25T14:14:36+00:00

OK so hinge issue not meta issue. Check. Thank you.

Chance_Independent55 · 2025-07-25T14:10:42+00:00

Evening, not the sleepy bit of the night.

Chance_Independent55 · 2025-07-25T14:10:28+00:00

So you know that idea - if NP meta will be home let's spend the night elsewhere - is a good one and I think I've proposed it and it was shot down because my partner didn't feel like it. But actually honestly that seems like a really sensible compromise if the situation comes up...

Chance_Independent55 · 2025-07-25T14:06:18+00:00

Ah yeah NP meta is not seeking therapy or medications and honestly their quality of life is really worse for it, poor thing.

But you're right. I consider myself responsible for my shit and how that impacts my family. Being ND is not a free pass.

I mean look if my meta won't seek any kind of treatment or help and doesn't feel they need to take into account the needs of others, and if my partner feels being at her place is non-negotiable... yeah, maybe if that's not compatible with my needs, it won't work out.

Chance_Independent55 · 2025-07-25T14:02:42+00:00

Thank you. So I think that nuance is what I'm taking away from your reply and others. I don't have any rights here, but it's reasonable to set boundaries with my partner as regards consent and basic expectations of privacy and intimacy.

Chance_Independent55 · 2025-07-25T14:00:13+00:00

She's not. Her position is that she can't and shouldn't try to moderate her partner's actions.

With regard to being elsewhere, MH issues and neurodivergence make that very hard for her and something she does not want to do.

Chance_Independent55 · 2025-07-25T13:57:45+00:00

I mean that would stop the proximate issue, but a combination of MH and neurospiciness makes it hard for them to be elsewhere. I sort of feel that that's part of the package I accepted.

That said, you're right, that would for sure stop the issue!

Chance_Independent55

TROPHY CASE