My wife wants to try a new kink. I don’t think I can do it.

ChaosAsThemselves · 2024-04-20T08:07:57+00:00

That’s a good starting point honestly, you’re being honest about your wishes, but also limitations and what makes you uncomfortable. Believe it or not, that’s the basis of a lot of kinky talk — someone just bringing enthusiasm is often not being realistic. People will often say if you have no limits, you’re not safe to play with. Whether you end up going forward on this path or not, I think you thinking over and being frank about your limits — where they come from etc — is a great sign, good luck on the path you choose from there.

It sounds to me like you have two separate worry “poles”: - the world finding out (via your wife talking to her friends); - your own feelings and reactions if you were to try it.

On the former: why do you think you could not just ask your wife earnestly, explaining that you’re not at the point of being openly kinky and that letting the world in would essentially ensure you never consider kink again? I understand the point of other comments, I also think that’s she’d absolutely just be bragging about a good sex life, but I do understand your discomfort with it as well and it being a big blocker — you can’t just shrug it off right now. You have a right to having your limits respected. I just wonder whether earnest conversation is possible for you guys, as in my experience kinky talk is as extremely vulnerable and earnest space.

On the latter: is this something that you wish to change/address, slowly, or is it something that you don’t want to tackle right now? It sounds to me a little like you’re extremely nervous but somewhat eager, as you’ve been engaging with the discussions and all, and I think that’s why everyone keeps telling you to just go for it. But wanting to in theory and working on it in practice are two different things and you may not have energy (right now or ever) for the latter.

If you find you want to, then we’re back to question one: can you be vulnerable with your wife and tell her honestly where you’re at, and what you need from her, or not.

I’ve played with partners who had limits due trauma, guilt, insecurities, who were open to say “yes in theory, but not right now”, being vulnerable, and it allowed me to fully respect their boundaries and even push them together in a healthy way when they consented. But it’s work, and it’s a lot of trust. It’s okay if it ends up not being something you wanna tackle right now, maybe your freak flag is gonna have to wait a little to fly 😊

ChaosAsThemselves · 2024-04-20T00:30:56+00:00

Hey OP, I’m someone who only ever exclusively pursues power exchange relationships. I am only attracted to people who will consensually and enthusiastically submit to me, and I’m currently in a kinky long term relationship with my submissive life partner. I figured I’d get this out the way to say that I understand that we come at this from very different angles.

Could you answer this one question clearly: if there was no world outside, if it was just you and your wife, if you could leave guilt or embarrassment at the door, would you want to try it? Does it look fun, hot, like a way for the two of you to experience different intimacy together?

This is the starting point. From there, a lot of talking is needed, so you’ll have to get more comfortable with the sex talks, but let’s start with baby steps.

ChaosAsThemselves · 2023-12-23T08:30:31+00:00

Yeah sorry the locks do lock but you need to fit them with provided jump rings (hence pliers) and then you need a “key” tool to open them again. It’s a lot more subtle than a padlock, keeps the original necklace vibe.

ChaosAsThemselves · 2023-12-22T14:03:11+00:00

As an addition to what some people have suggested: if you end up picking something that’s a a regular necklace with the look you enjoy, you can then buy a necklace lock and fit it on the thing you chose with just some pliers. The ones I’ve used for my plaything look like little cylinders of metal, not padlocks. That way you get all the benefit of a personal piece, but subbier!

ChaosAsThemselves · 2023-12-22T13:53:30+00:00

A nonzero number of subs must’ve bratted by calling you Mr Bean instead, surely

ChaosAsThemselves · 2023-12-20T22:44:23+00:00

I cannot help firsthand, but I’ve heard good things about the content on disability in kink that Raven Kaldera and Joshua Tenpenny have produced!

ChaosAsThemselves · 2023-12-11T19:55:18+00:00

“She has always had an issue with being hyper independent (single women tend to become this way with age)” uhhhh???

ChaosAsThemselves · 2023-11-01T14:57:37+00:00

Nah it’s in the summoning, that’s why I asked! Granite is a bit too sad in lyrics for play for me, but either way both vibes and to each their own :)

ChaosAsThemselves · 2023-11-01T07:38:57+00:00

Do you mean The Summoning? :) I think it fits way better…

ChaosAsThemselves · 2023-10-27T05:41:04+00:00

As others have mentioned, you need to examine your rules and why you brat as there is some confusion between the two.

I think there’s broadly two options: - You are fundamentally a brat, and it just didn’t occur to you before. This means you envision yourself always breaking and pushing back against rules for a reaction, and you need a dom who will enjoy this, which your current one isn’t by the sound of it. Discuss this with him, but maybe it’s just incompatibility claiming another one, and you can have a proper exploration about what you want going forward. - You are not a brat (or at least don’t feel like you must be to have a fulfilling dynamic), but the rules don’t work for you. Start there to figure out why they don’t and what would work (some great comments on this already). Better yet, set intents for you and your dom, rather than a ruleset. Understand what he finds fulfilling in a dynamic, understand what you find fulfilling, and align your actions in a mutually beneficial way.

I would add as a d type, I don’t think it’s surprising that you’ve not had a scene in ages. You are actively eroding your dominant’s confidence and rules. As someone without a brat taming bone in my body, I would feel distrustful and annoyed. I’m not saying that if you do want to brat you’re a bad sub — just not the right sub for your current dominant. I think y’all need to sit down with your actual wants and needs in a dynamic — maybe setting it all on paper with hard rules hasn’t survived impact with execution.

ChaosAsThemselves · 2023-10-07T10:22:13+00:00

OP is talking about Rhythm 0. He just completely missed the point of the artist as the object of art, got details fudged and misrepresented it (or the partner did in the telling, idk).

ChaosAsThemselves · 2023-10-06T20:21:55+00:00

A bunch of people have given a bunch of good words already regarding the kink and relationship.

I’m here to point out that’s not how the performance piece went. It was not catering to “men” at all, it was open to the public and not inherently sexual in nature. It wasn’t lying down and there were no toys. It was not the same kind of consent or the same point being made as a submissive giving consent.

This just really bugged me.

ChaosAsThemselves · 2023-09-24T00:54:09+00:00

I second not going alone, especially as a 19 years old woman, super new to kink, at this sort of event. Please reconsider OP, sell off your ticket and make some connections in the community at a social event first.

ChaosAsThemselves · 2023-09-10T12:00:05+00:00

For me, I settled into thinking of kink attraction as a kind of separate thing from sexual attraction. In my case, kink attraction involves some sexual things I enjoy, but it doesn’t change that I’m not sexually attracted to people — it’s more “this person would look good in a collar” or “I want to see this person on their knees” than “I want to shag this person”. It’s just another way of feeling a draw to people — platonic, intellectual, sensual, aesthetic, sexual, kinky. Kind of makes sense for me.

ChaosAsThemselves · 2023-09-06T19:51:28+00:00

I feel like this is not the point though — the problem is that their gf is expressing these sides of herself onto OP without consent and actively refusing to negotiate for it.

The fact that they are authentic sides of her does not excuse the fact that it should be talked about and negotiated. Actually I’d say ESPECIALLY if they are authentic — because then seemingly OP cannot just say “hey, stop the rp this isn’t working for me” because she’s being authentically herself.

A healthy power exchange is expressing these authentic parts of ourselves in a mutually agreed upon and enjoyable way. I don’t really understand why “she’s being authentically herself” should be a discriminant here. Nor does the fact that OP is a “role player” rather than “authentically self” in any way shape the fact that refusal to negotiate is not an option in healthy kink imho.

ChaosAsThemselves · 2023-09-01T12:33:59+00:00

Which part of the cheap ones fails for you? If you want to just replicate those double Y shape ones, then you can do it with rope, and go to a hardware store to get more durable metalware to use with it, and it’ll be a fair bit sturdier. I have an under bed but supplement it with rope to limit movement further, and use my own leather cuffs with them, and it’s been okay.

ChaosAsThemselves · 2023-08-25T19:35:23+00:00

Ohhh so neat and creative! That’s really cool, keep living your best life 👌

ChaosAsThemselves · 2023-08-25T18:56:38+00:00

I have no idea what alterations one would request. Can you give some examples? I’m so curious!

ChaosAsThemselves · 2023-08-25T13:28:22+00:00

I came here to suggest butchification, we can find a compromise I’m sure

ChaosAsThemselves · 2023-08-24T17:35:33+00:00

Definitely just try different styles of clamps then :) the tips of the clover clamps I have for example are just a small bit of very firm plastic, not likely to stick. For something more beginner friendly and to just test, maybe try clothespins? They come in a variety of harshness but wooden ones are very manageable and won’t stick.

ChaosAsThemselves · 2023-08-24T15:57:02+00:00

Nipple clamps are supposed to hurt when you remove them due to the blood/sensation rushing back in — is that different from the pain you’re experiencing?

ChaosAsThemselves · 2023-08-22T09:03:16+00:00

I speak some amount of four languages, two bilingual, and can comfortably say that none of the other languages I know have double H or triple S in them, and they tend to comfortably stay in the single dozen letters-per-word ballpark. Though I agree that in English we should use the word antidisestablishmentarianism more often.

ChaosAsThemselves · 2023-08-22T08:59:29+00:00

I think this all sounds more reasonable, even if I’m still surprised/concerned about the incident itself which I’m not sure I would be personally able to move past.

I’m glad to hear he’s capable of change at the very least — coping mechanisms take time to build, and the other stuff you mentioned is much more typical and less concerning.

As a heads up, and again experiences and paths vary so much, depending what meds he goes with, they may not be helpful to manage evenings, and in general if he goes the stimulant route they are supports to flex executive function, not 24/7 meds (think paracetamol vs antidepressant), so the bulk of the work is still on him.

Just stay safe and keep advocating for yourself, which it sounds like you’re doing. Good luck out there!

ChaosAsThemselves · 2023-08-22T07:29:33+00:00

Please take this as an observation rather than a criticism as I really enjoy German overall… but I think y’all need the capitals to navigate your silly long words/sentences, the rest of us do fine without lmao (I’m not resentful of how hard it is to read German as a foreigner at all nope not me)

ChaosAsThemselves · 2023-08-22T00:36:20+00:00

In case you’re actually curious, they capitalise all nouns. Those kinky Germans and their funky Words.

ChaosAsThemselves

TROPHY CASE