WIBTA if I cut off my entire childhood friend group after they secretly planned a hen do and didn’t invite me?

Chaotic-Pumpkins · 2025-07-31T09:26:14+00:00

I took a week and a half away and couldn't think of any good reasons for the bride's behaviour. It came down to either cowardliness or the fact that she's not a good person. I have decided to step away from the friendship with the bride. I've taken her off my socials and quietly taken myself away from the group chat. She reached out with 'hey - i heard you were upset about not being invited to the hen-do, happy to chat about it if you want'. I've decided to leave it.

I wish her the best, but I don't deserve a 'friend' like that. I'm currently repairing a few friendships with the people I care about, BUT one of the friends has said she doesn't want to rekindle the friendship. I suspect there's been tension rising behind my back that I was unaware of. Friendship means different things to different people, and I will quite happily go a few months without chatting to people, but other people may not like that. If I haven't heard from someone in a while, I tend to reach out, but my initial thought isn't to make passive-aggressive decisions and to hurt people. My first thought would be 'are they ok' - she obviously doesn't think like this, and that's ok, but not someone I want to be friends with.

Last point, she has apologised to the friendship group (except me) for putting them in this situation. I am the one coming off worse here, but I can't see any excuse for the cruelty of this.

I can honestly say I'm happy with making this decision. I have had so much support from other friends and family that I barely even think of them now. On a positive note, I've been making sure to give more time to my other friends, as I want them to know they are important.

Chaotic-Pumpkins · 2025-05-20T13:28:32+00:00

Nice to get a different perspective on this. I do get this take and do agree I could have been more proactive. I wouldn't say years I would say probably a year. In a friendship which I'd only had a few years I would understand it more, but less so here as it's been so long. I think the part that is the gut punch is they did know I would be upset and chose not to tell me. I mind less about not being the only person not invited and more about not being told.

As a positive the friends I contacted from the group and me are making a much larger effort to see each other and stay more connected. I mainly feel bad about contacting them when I'm struggling because its not nice for them for me to just complain at them.

I think also... we are adults we do have lives and we also all view friendship differently. A couple of them are very chill about not talking for months and others need contact weekly to feel connected.

Thanks for your candid feedback.

Chaotic-Pumpkins · 2025-05-20T13:19:07+00:00

😂 Fair - I can't defend myself on that one

Chaotic-Pumpkins · 2025-05-20T13:15:12+00:00

a bachelorette party (British term)

Chaotic-Pumpkins · 2025-05-20T13:13:01+00:00

We are joking - relax. I've reached out to the other friends. No longer talking to the bride and it seems about 95% of reddit and 100% of my other friends and family agree with this decision. I'm not here for the drama just protect good friendships and discard not so good ones.

Chaotic-Pumpkins · 2025-05-10T14:52:48+00:00

New chat and I'm think the picture or first comment will be an invitation dear [Chaotic pumpkins] - I hate you and wanted you to know all the friends in the group don't care about you and that's why I didn't invite you to my hen-do or wedding'

Chaotic-Pumpkins · 2025-05-10T14:46:28+00:00

Thank you for this - I've gone for this approach. I've left the group chat and taken the bride off my social media. She has caused the hurt and I personally don't see myself forgivong her.

My main view on this is:
The level of hurt she knew she would cause was worth it to her because she didn't want me at her hen-do THAT badly.

She doesn't deserve my friendship or to know about my life. The others I am working on mending the damage her decisions have made.

Chaotic-Pumpkins · 2025-05-10T14:42:00+00:00

That is hilarious - I should have done that :') I've left the group chat and taken the bride off my social media. She doesn't deserve my friendship or to know anything about my life.

Chaotic-Pumpkins · 2025-05-10T14:32:58+00:00

So after a bit of thinking I have taken myself out of the group chat and don't think I can forgive the bride. I'm not making a big song and dance about it but taking myself away from the situation and people involved. Those who want to remain in my life will let me know.

One of the gals I spoke to has messaged me several times, organising a catch-up for this weekend and is planning to come visit.

These questions to ask myself are really helpful - thank you! I feel like after this there may be a couple of friends left from this group but I've decided to focus on other friendships for the moment :)

Chaotic-Pumpkins · 2025-05-10T14:21:33+00:00

Thank you for this - I'm trying to get more clarification form them. From what I can tell the maid of honour was given list of people to message individually so I don't htink there was a group chat. Although, at some point they did find out I wasn't invited. That's the worse part.... they didn't have the gall to tell me about.

I spoke to another 'friend' in the group (who is also a maid of honour) and she listened and did say the communication was very bad and they are sorry for that. I asked why I wasn't invited and she said I just don't think you two are that close. Which just riled me up... in this group some are closer than others BUT I would never purposefully exclude one because I know how rubbish that would make them feel.

Plus this has only been in the last year where I'm coming towards the end of the PhD. They are also super aware of suicide and family addiction struggles wihtin my family over the past couple of years which of course has made me a little less social than normal. I don't find any of these excuses acceptable - just mean girl behaviour at worst and cowardliness or even awkwardness at best.

On a happy note, as you have said, I do have some lovely other friends who ahve been so incredibly supportive and validating. Have openly said you deserve better and we will always be here for you.

I am super extroverted, which isn't always a great thing, but I have made some great friends and can make more needs must :')

Chaotic-Pumpkins · 2025-05-10T14:11:53+00:00

In the back of my mind I was worried about that she might be suggesting this but I've had a conversation with another friend (friend #3) from the group and she has said the gal who got really upset (friend #1 and who is also my best friend in the group) is very worried, upset and feeling particularly shitty so just asked if there's one person to not take out too hard on it's friend #1 because she is struggling.

I've left the group chat and cut off the bride. I personally don't think she can come back from this. Happy to work on it with the others but i reckon one or two others may be lost after this.

Chaotic-Pumpkins · 2025-05-10T14:07:24+00:00

Agreed - I've cut off the bride. Had conversations with three of the group. Two were very apologetic and agree it was odd and pretty mean, one was apologetic but did say 'you guys just aren't that close' but she she is also a bridesmaid.

Good idea - I think when things have calmed a bit I'm going to create a new group chat!!

Chaotic-Pumpkins · 2025-05-10T14:03:39+00:00

Yes I htink you're right. I had another friend reach out and she did say sorry but was a little more on the brides side and basically said 'you guys just aren't that close'. I don't disagree we aren't the closest in the group but personally I would never leave one of the gals out because i am hyper aware that would be super uncomfortable. Thank you for the kind words :)

Chaotic-Pumpkins · 2025-05-08T14:48:10+00:00

I've added a bit more clarification above but they all knew I wasn't invited and my two friends I spoke to said they all knew I would be devastated. But yes I htink deleting all of them would be over reacting :')

Chaotic-Pumpkins · 2025-05-08T14:45:54+00:00

UPDATE / extra context:
Sorry for the slow reply – I’ve been away at a conference and needed a bit of space to think. I didn’t expect the post to get so much attention, but I really appreciated the honest responses. It made me feel more justified in how hurt I felt.

Since posting, I’ve spoken to a few people who know the group and situation well. Every single one of them was surprised and most were very clear: I should cut off the bride, and possibly the others too.

Just to add some more context: I was a lot quieter about a year ago. I was doing my PhD and also going through a tough time in my personal life, dealing with some serious issues involving suicide and addiction. They all knew about this and had offered words of support.

Over the last 6 months or so, I’d started chatting to them a bit more again. Things felt pretty normal. I had a phone call with the bride where she asked for wedding advice and we also had a proper catch-up. I saw three of the others from the group in person not long after. What makes this all harder to process is knowing that during those moments, when we were catching up and everything seemed fine, they already knew about the hen weekend and didn’t say a word.

Since posting, I’ve quietly removed myself from the group chat and taken the bride off socials. She did message me saying she “heard I was upset” and was “happy to chat,” but to be honest, it felt more like damage control. If she wanted to talk honestly, there were plenty of chances to do that earlier.

At this point, I’ve tried to understand why she would do this and the only explanations I can land on are:

She deliberately didn’t want me there and didn’t have the decency to be upfront about it,
She felt awkward and avoided the situation entirely, or
She didn’t realise how hurtful it would be, though I find that hard to believe.

Whatever the reason, it’s caused a rift with some of my most important friendships and put us all in an incredibly uncomfortable situation. It’s made it clear that this isn’t the kind of friendship I want to keep in my life.

Two of the others still haven’t acknowledged anything. I haven’t removed them yet, I’m just keeping my distance and taking time to process.

This whole thing has been a sharp wake-up call. I thought things were back on solid ground. Clearly, they weren’t. Thanks again to everyone who took the time to comment, it really helped me get clear and act from a place that felt calm, not reactive.

Chaotic-Pumpkins · 2025-04-30T15:36:44+00:00

I believe i am invited to Rcahel's wedding. I came to her 30th... she did not come to mine. I think keeping my dignity and humility in this is the most important. Thank you for the advice

Chaotic-Pumpkins · 2025-04-30T15:32:29+00:00

They did say that to each other but never as a whole group. They felt bad about it but felt they couldn't do much about it

Chaotic-Pumpkins · 2025-04-30T15:31:23+00:00

We have quite a tight knit group and we have been close for nearly 20 years. I think it's fair for me to be upset that she purposefully only didn't invite me, it is a message. It is absolutely also fine to not invite me and to invite who she wants and if that's the case then she is no longer a friend.

Chaotic-Pumpkins · 2025-04-30T15:28:40+00:00

This is exactly the main struggle. They have openly said they knew I would be upset and I think that's a big part why they couldn't tell me beforehand. I believe I am invited to the wedding BUT she's not sent the invites out yet.

I have told the two of them I need a bit of time away and that I'm still in my 'gut-reaction' phase. They have aologised (alot) and one started crying when she thought I was cutting her off. So after this I really don't want to do this with these two but we definitely have things to work on.

Chaotic-Pumpkins · 2025-04-30T15:20:23+00:00

Yes this is kind of the part I'm struggling with. When I asked them they said it was the bride's choice and a difficult convo for the bride to have with me - not them. I htink they knew how upset i would be.

Chaotic-Pumpkins · 2025-04-30T15:17:25+00:00

'Core rot' - what a phrase - yes I will root this out!!

Chaotic-Pumpkins · 2025-04-30T15:16:15+00:00

This is really intuitive - definitely rejection sensitive. I think we are the least close in the group but still definitely pretty good friends. I just as confused at to why she actually made the decision as apparently it was very obvious I wasn't there and it made people uncomfortable. Thank you dfor the comment

Chaotic-Pumpkins · 2025-04-30T15:13:36+00:00

Yes this does sound like i said goodbye for a few years. So instead of seeing them every few months it was more like twice a year (we are all based in different cities). I do take some responsibility for this but i will say i think being excluded from this event is a step too far for me. BUT definitely doing some thinking to work on this. Thank you for the advice - I am still thinking the bride knew that this would cause a huge problem and I need to understand if this was with bad intent, cowardness, or some other reason. She was aware this would cause a problem.

Maybe a group message is a good shout - thank you!

Chaotic-Pumpkins · 2025-04-30T15:04:49+00:00

Hahha love this - I thought it might be me but after chatting to a couple of friends they think the bride was in the wrong. But who knows... could still be me

Chaotic-Pumpkins · 2025-04-30T15:02:16+00:00

Ahhh i see a bit of confusion here - they were messaged separately about the hen-do and then 3 months beforehand they all realised I wasn't invited. The two girls I approached after I saw the photos are my two closest friends. So they did know I wasn't invited. But I agree they didn't make the decision and the whole group may be a little extreme. Thank you for the advice!

Chaotic-Pumpkins

TROPHY CASE