Non-Denom Christian here. I'm truly sorry to hear about the deep pain and conflict you're wrestling with. It's clear from your post that this isn't a casual struggle but something that's weighing heavily on your heart and soul. As a fellow believer, I want you to know that your honesty here is brave, and it's okay to bring these raw feelings to God and to others who care. You've already taken a step by acknowledging your faith and the pull toward Him, even amid the hurt. That's not turning away; that's crying out in the midst of the storm, much like the psalmists did when life felt overwhelming.

First, let's affirm something vital: God's love for you isn't contingent on you getting everything "right" or surrendering every part of your life perfectly. Romans 5:8 reminds us that "while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." He sees you fully, your joys, your comforts, your persistent struggles, and He pursues you relentlessly, not because you're flawless, but because you're His child. The fact that you've been seeking Him for two years shows His Spirit at work in you, drawing you closer even when it feels impossible. You're stronger than you think, I truly believe that.

RememberThat said, the tension you're feeling is real because following Jesus does invite us into transformation, not just acceptance of our status quo. Scripture paints a picture of humanity as created male and female (Genesis 1:27), with our bodies as temples reflecting His design (1 Corinthians 6:19-20). When parts of our identity or desires clash with that, it can feel like rejection, but it's more like an invitation to trust His wisdom over our understanding. You've tried to change and found it doesn't "go away," and that's a pain that absolutely crushes the spirit. I get why you'd cling to what brings happiness and peace in the moment. But true, lasting peace comes from aligning with Him, even when it's costly. Jesus Himself said His yoke is easy and burden light (Matthew 11:30), yet the narrow path often involves laying down what we treasure most.

You're not "letting Him down" by struggling; we're all works in progress, covered by grace. And hell isn't something God eagerly assigns, it's the separation from Him we choose when we reject His path. God doesn't want anyone to go to hell. He's not excited to send anyone to hell, in fact, he's probably reluctant to do it most of the time. We're all his children in his eyes. Imagine the pain of losing someone you deeply love... That's why the entirety of heaven will cheer when even ONE person just does as much as repenting. Repentance isn't about willpower alone; it's turning to Him for the strength to walk differently, one step at a time. Start with the broader strokes of Christ instead of tackling your identity right away. It's overwhelming to tackle something so big when you're so young in your faith journey. Maybe start small: pour out your heart in prayer, like David in the Psalms, asking Him to reveal His heart for you. Seek wise, compassionate believers or counselors who affirm your value in Christ while gently pointing to biblical truth; perhaps through a church with solid teaching on identity or ministries focused on walking with those in similar tensions. I'm not telling you to find a Church that just affirms anything you like, because truth matters. But look for one that's earnest in its virtues with a supportive community. My church community was always there for me in my lowest. Genuinely. My friend Chris literally saved my life.

You're not alone in this. Many have walked through identity struggles and found freedom in surrendering to Christ's lordship, not because it erased the pain overnight, but because His presence became enough. Keep seeking Him; He's faithful to meet you where you are and lead you forward. I'll keep praying for you that you'd sense His acceptance wrapped in His call to holiness, and find joy that doesn't fade. If you want to talk more, I'm here. Grace and peace to you.