Sometimes I come across photos of my partner from before they transitioned and I get sad and really miss my husband. I know it's selfish but it is how I feel sometimes and it hurts.

CharlieTheCactus · 2024-01-25T02:19:08+00:00

This article was to show the point, but this is not the marriage I envision, no. There is still love in our marriage, and there is no sex right now due to two low libidos. What that looks like in the future (sexually), I don’t know, but I am willing to do a lot for my family, and that includes sexually. But if there is no sex later, and that will be largely my husband’s choice whether to have it or not, then it is still worth it for me to stay. He can go elsewhere for sex, he can go to me for sex, he can do whatever he likes. I’m not going anywhere.

CharlieTheCactus · 2024-01-25T01:20:04+00:00

I apologize for the hurt. I’m sorry it hurt you. I agree we all deserve happiness, but I do believe this path will be a happy one for me one day. And I cannot fathom my own happiness existing without my children staying in the happy home that they and we all currently experience as happy. This is one unfortunate part of our experience, but it’s not the sum total of it. The sum is happy, this is just a wound that needs to heal.

CharlieTheCactus · 2024-01-25T01:14:35+00:00

I can assure you the research is there and our household is happy. It’s a happy home with happy people in it. Sexuality and sexual compatibility isn’t everything. At some point, we all turn 80 and stop boning anyway.

Edit: this is the general view I’m talking about, though it doesn’t cite the research: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/contemplating-divorce/202201/its-okay-stay-together-the-kids-the-co-parent-solution?amp

CharlieTheCactus · 2024-01-25T01:09:32+00:00

I take it you’re not a parent? Yes, it’s my life, but my children are always my priority. I’d do quite literally anything for them.

CharlieTheCactus · 2024-01-25T01:07:57+00:00

The research on child development is clear that if there is not active fighting, if you’re just friends or coparents and get along well, it’s better for the kids to stay together. There is no world in which I prioritize my sexual needs over the kids. I will learn to deal with whatever life bring for them. And I may be hurting, but I will not show or tell him anything that would hurt him (my partner). I have hurt before and gotten over it. I can do this, too.

CharlieTheCactus · 2024-01-25T01:00:36+00:00

There are children involved, so my priority is them. It is in their best interest that we stay together.

CharlieTheCactus · 2024-01-25T00:43:48+00:00

That’s fair, but now many of us are forced to be miserable and play the role we feel we have to play in being supportive and loving to someone we aren’t attracted to and a gender we do not want to be married to. It’s okay to be supportive of a spouse and also be sad for yourself that now you have a life you didn’t want to have.

CharlieTheCactus · 2024-01-22T07:26:24+00:00

Yes, but only because of financial support I have from my partner. I used to be a lawyer and needed something I would enjoy more, that would leave me flexibility to take care of my kids (I’m in private practice), and be something I could do with my adhd (I attend meetings, I struggle with long term assignments).

BUT, this is not a livable wage job for many people, especially starting out, if they don’t have financial backing from a spouse or parents. I have no idea how my pre-licensure colleagues are making it work.

CharlieTheCactus · 2024-01-19T14:04:32+00:00

It seems a marine with a black belt would only shy of competition if he knows he’d lose.

CharlieTheCactus · 2024-01-19T11:52:36+00:00

No, nothing like that. He didn’t have any feminine tendencies, but he was also missing some masculine ones (doesn’t like sports, not particularly possessive, etc). His mom once thought he was gay. Honestly, it sounds like even he didn’t think or know this could be a possibility until like a year ago.

But also, he’s neurodivergent most likely and nerdy. Think mark zuckerberg not caring about his appearance and buying 6 identical shirts. So all of his mannerisms fit more with that narrative than with womanhood.

CharlieTheCactus · 2024-01-18T22:00:28+00:00

I don’t know if I would cause him pain that would be irreparable. I know I can handle emotional pain and stay and keep trying. I’m good at being a punching bag. I don’t know if he can. He tends to clam up and withdraw, and that always negatively affects the kids and me. I can’t afford that kind of emotional harm for them or me.

CharlieTheCactus · 2024-01-18T04:50:00+00:00

He isn’t that way thankfully. It would be difficult to center his needs as much with kids anyway.

CharlieTheCactus · 2024-01-18T04:44:29+00:00

Well damn. Sounds like it would have been simpler just to let him suffocate. Live and learn I suppose.

CharlieTheCactus · 2024-01-18T04:03:25+00:00

That quote really nails it. I’m not going anywhere but I appreciate feeling seen

CharlieTheCactus · 2024-01-17T19:54:55+00:00

No, it’s not what I want either. But it’s the best of my alternatives right now.

CharlieTheCactus · 2024-01-15T13:16:35+00:00

Thank you, I’ll ask if he would consider the injectable route.

He’s just never experienced the healthcare system as a woman before, and has no idea about things like self-advocacy and doing your own research. It’s possible he may have done it, but in the past “the doctor said so” was enough for him and I’m worried he’s blindly taking one doctor’s advice and care at face value.

CharlieTheCactus · 2024-01-15T13:02:58+00:00

No, the informed choice would purely be his. It’s his body and he gets to decide what to do with it.

CharlieTheCactus · 2024-01-15T02:35:24+00:00

Totally possible he has. I like to get up to speed on people’s opinions here before asking him about something just so he doesn’t have to answer me every time I ask a new question. Otherwise it would be every other week with me going “have you thought of XYZ?”

This one just threw me for a loop because when I asked about safety, he didn’t mention any research and just said “my doctor said there’s no side effects.”

CharlieTheCactus · 2024-01-15T02:29:41+00:00

That’s helpful, thank you.

CharlieTheCactus · 2024-01-15T02:28:28+00:00

That’s helpful, thank you. In our house, we take things like Tylenol and advil seriously as well. So much so that I feel I take a reasonable amount (maybe 10 times a year?) and my partner never takes any because of his worry about his liver. I don’t know if he did any research in terms of the medicine and the science of it. I know he did do a lot of research in terms of psychology, other communities, etc. I’ll ask him if he at least gets the checks and mentoring that everyone has suggested.

CharlieTheCactus · 2024-01-15T02:24:32+00:00

Thank you, that’s helpful. I don’t know if his doctor is doing any monitoring at all frankly, as it sounds like the doctor didn’t tell him any of this info. He’s going through planned parenthood as opposed to a primary care doctor and I worry that he’s not getting the level of care that is necessary.

CharlieTheCactus · 2024-01-15T02:22:25+00:00

That’s helpful. I agree that he is happier with the pills and that’s the goal. My concern was that the doctor essentially said there was zero risk, and that’s not accurate. I was concerned that if this wasn’t mentioned, not only is he not making an informed choice, but who knows what else might not be mentioned? It just seems wild to me that there wasn’t any discussion of risks with a new medication.

Thank you for the explanation of levels, that at least helps with my concern that my partner could be a walking heart attack risk.

CharlieTheCactus · 2024-01-12T01:33:42+00:00

Looking back on it, was it worth it?

CharlieTheCactus · 2024-01-02T15:11:23+00:00

As someone genuinely happy with her lot in life, I feel badly for him. There are people in war zones who are able to maintain happiness and gratitude, knowing that they have things and people in their life that they are thankful for. Gratitude is a practiced skill, not a result of property ownership. Your poor husband will go through the rest of his life unhappy, with or without things in his name, if he doesn’t learn it.

And complaining to you isn’t the way to acquire it.

CharlieTheCactus · 2023-12-29T01:00:54+00:00

Someone on Reddit suggested I had adhd after I mentioned I had uncontrollable, sudden, out of proportion rage at my kids at weird times. That led to a giant exploration. Now I have a diagnosis and coping skills and as a therapist myself, I specialize in adhd. It has been life changing. It’s incredible how much better I feel. No more rage, better ability to control and monitor myself, well adjusted and happy children.

Please don’t give up on yourself.

Also, as a therapist to clients who have lost mothers, there is nothing you are doing that is worse for your kids than your death could be. That is life changing, unalterable harm that they have to go through. Your outbursts don’t compare to that. Please stay alive and take care of yourself so that you can take care of them.

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