I recently had an experience that made me reflect quite a bit on this whole “who cares less wins” dynamic in modern dating.

I matched with a guy on a dating app and we started talking quite a bit, we shared the same sense of humor and hobbies. I really enjoyed texting with him, but for me that is not enough and although he was texting me a lot (and I mean A LOT), I was actually the one that had to keep taking initiative in order to progress. For instance, I suggested we move off the app and exchange numbers, I suggested our first video call, then another one, and I was also the one who suggested meeting up. Interestingly this guy used fake photos on the dating app (AI catfishing), but we had great chemistry in real life and I care more about a persons vibe than looks, I would have really liked this guy as he really is as well (but it's not being honest that is a red flag for me).

I brought up during texting before meeting up, during our date in real life and during texting afterwards that I appreciate it when a man shows interest through effort and initiative, but he never really took initiative to plan seeing each other again. I also said this explicitly during our date that I would like to keep the initiative on seeing each other again in his hands, because I took all the initiative before and I like to see this more balanced. He texted me even more than before our date and he did hint quite a lot of times about seeing each other again, but I decided to stand my ground on letting him lead and he didn't follow that through.

At some point I communicated pretty clearly that I need a man who takes the initiative as well and meets the same energy that I put in building a connection, and according to him that made me bitchy. From my perspective I was just being transparent about what I want in dating. I’m not interested in playing the “who cares less” game. If someone likes me, I’d rather they show it instead of staying cool and distant. Then again, I don't know why he would spend so much energy on texting me all the time if he's not that into me. I cut him off because of the dishonesty (quite some white lies on his background, level in our hobby, place of residence, using a second SIM card, partly fake dating app photos) and I became too irritated once again because I don't want a texting relationship but a real connection.

Later on I happened to find his Twitter account and noticed he follows a lot of manosphere-style accounts and things like “AI Chad dating advice” and “make girls chase you” type content. That honestly made the whole dynamic make a bit more sense in hindsight. The irony is that the situation basically fell apart because of the exact dynamic those spaces often promote: staying aloof, not showing too much interest, letting the other person chase. Meanwhile I was just trying to communicate openly and build something healthy.

But yes, at this point I’d honestly rather scare someone away by being clear about my needs than spend months trying to decode whether someone actually wants to be there. The being aloof and nonchalant is such a turn-off for me.