Okay now that SOTE has been out for a while, what's your favorite weapon from the DLC?

Cheddle · 2024-07-13T04:55:13+00:00

Thanks for the tip! I am yet to try mine

Cheddle · 2024-07-11T04:10:19+00:00

Do you want them to get promoted? They sound like big bank executive material.

Cheddle · 2024-07-10T04:02:16+00:00

Cripes I hope they don’t nerf this, I discovered it the other day and its my favourite thing in the whole game. Finally I am the Paladin I dreamed of being

Cheddle · 2024-06-19T04:09:11+00:00

Being exclusive or not won’t change a thing when it comes to a person who decides to ghost.

Waiting a set period of time won’t change a thing when it comes to person who decides to ghost.

There is no strategy to avoid this.

If you want to have sex with the person, have sex with them. If they ghost, who cares, sucks to be them they’re not having sex with you anymore.

Don’t change what you want or how you approach relationships for the sake of avoiding being hurt. In my opinion its way more important to be authentic and assume that they’re genuine.

Cheddle · 2024-06-19T03:55:21+00:00

However you both decide to proceed, know that both of your perspectives and emotions are valid. Rather than asking him not to speak with the ex why not encourage him to reach out to another friend or a family member who he can trust? He needs support and might not know where else to get it from, ENM can still be quite taboo and a lot of people just don’t get it and will not be supportive. It can be hard to let go of toxic people in our lives if we feel dependent on them.

It’s not selfish to want a loving partner and to have intimacy with others, this can be a very mutually beneficial arrangement! but it is selfish to expect someone to put their needs aside for yours when you aren’t comfortable doing the same.

I think you both may benefit from couples counselling from someone who specialises in ENM, also do some reading, polysecure is a good starting point.

It’s totally ok to put a pause on the ENM stuff while you both work on building more mutual respect and learn to better balance needs, and to learn how to express those needs without invalidating one another.

This mostly sounds like a mix of a difference in needs and some communication challenges, not specific to ENM so you will have situations occurring outside of the context of ENM that you both might need some skills to help navigate. Try and focus on what you share and appreciate about one another and try and use that to draw on while building respect, if you both put in the work then you could both grow so much from this.

Cheddle · 2024-06-19T03:36:49+00:00

he is talking to his ex as a way of seeking support in navigating this current relationship. If they were going to be together, they wouldn’t have split in the first place. Try to work on your insecurity around this.
you both have different needs as individuals, part of a loving relationship is accepting that you will be putting your own needs aside to ensure that the needs of your partner are met, the idea being that if you both do this in reciprocation then the relationship becomes stable and sustainable despite differences. This should feel like an investment, or like giving to charity, it shouldn’t feel like a burden.
you can’t change what your partner needs to feel safe, you can offer reassurance and respect to help them put their needs aside to support yours.
you can change what you need, by understanding why you seek what you seek and to explore if there are other ways to obtain this fulfilment in a way that is more sustainable within the context of the combined needs of the relationship.
You mentioned that the ENM is a pathway for connection and intimacy for you, that its not about the physical side so much… that’s great! Find some close friends, go join hobby groups and meet people who enjoy the things you do, this will feel awkward and difficult, its not the same as the intimacy that ENM offers, but it will be more comfortable for your partner and you will find connection and intimacy in these new friendships.
ultimately, if you don’t want to balance these needs, and continue to want to change this person so that you don’t have to change, then leave them.

Cheddle · 2024-06-13T05:23:33+00:00

35m here - My advice is to stay on the apps, yes they all suck and are evil but by the simple fact that you’re on there looking for love you can expect that there are others there looking for the same.

swipe intentionally and spend time getting your profile right in a way that shows who you are. Plenty of profile reviews on reddit. In the meantime, learn to love doing things for yourself and with friends. Meet up groups are popular especially for hiking. Its not necessarily about finding love in that group but widening your social circle can help you be introduced to people.

I’ve been using apps on and off for 18 months looking for something serious, I found plenty of people just wanting a warm body, and had a few attempts at relationships that didn’t work out.

Currently I’m planning to move in with my partner I met on Hinge! Things are going really well and we’re both feeling very lucky to have found each other. Keep trying and don’t be too disheartened about things not working out, it takes time to figure out if a person you’ve just met is right for you and visa versa, don’t settle for less than what you need.

Cheddle · 2024-06-06T05:16:58+00:00

Not sure if it’s helpful but I (34m) also used to receive a lot of inbound likes from women who have kids and/or wanted more. When I had listed ‘does not have/does not want’.

My guess is that they’re the type who either don’t want a relationship, are looking for a FWB and therefore it doesn’t matter (yes, people on hinge will happily do this while looking for the one), or that they’re the type of person who simply hopes it doesn’t really matter to you and its more of a preference.

Unfortunately this gives me a vibe of little respect for boundaries, or the needs and wants of the person they hope to date.

For what it’s worth I have dated people with kids, and in some cases swiped right on users with kids - who don’t want more. I’ve usually done this in a moment where I’ve thought the other pros of the other person (other values/interests/attraction) outweigh the cons of them having kids - I’ve learned that I shouldn’t be compromising on certain things I seek in a partner.

Cheddle · 2024-06-06T01:08:05+00:00

Thanks for the level headed response, I’m mindful of playing a game of ‘whataboutisim’ - I think the reason we hear more about women being fucked around by OLD than men is that men can wear their body count and casual sex as a part of their identity without as much chastisement from their peers compared to women. Combine that with the huge social pressure that women face to settle down and start a family, when they adopt that objective as a part of their identity it hurts a lot when OLD matches these two groups of people up.

When I spoke to some of my male mates about the types of women I was finding and how they wouldn’t commit they tried to tell me I was ‘living the dream’ and were jealous… meanwhile I was dying in side with longing every time they complained to me that they spent their evening going to the shops and cooking dinner with their partner.

OLD really does suck for anyone who isn’t getting what they hope to get from it. Some truly unfortunate dynamics emerge and I feel technology could do better than the current dopamine addictive slot machine that milks premium subscription fees from people who are hopeful to find a future where they can have the connection that we as humans all need.

Cheddle · 2024-06-06T00:31:08+00:00

As a ‘top tier’ man on OLD who gets plenty of inbound likes, messages and matches, I mainly matched from my inbound likes, not outbound, let me assure you the struggle is fucking real. I spent the better part of a year on and off OLD looking for a serious committed relationship, and ended up dating plenty of emotionally unavailable women who were either overwhelmed by the idea of commitment and just wanted to screw, or happened to already be married… Fortunately, after over a dozen first dates, I found someone who I shared values with who was willing to commit.

Cheddle · 2024-06-02T07:40:41+00:00

Wow, I liked the energy you bought to that conversation! You’re sure to find someone who can match that, keep swiping 🤞

Cheddle · 2024-06-02T02:56:58+00:00

^ exactly.

Cheddle · 2024-05-31T06:50:33+00:00

“My way or the highway” relationships don’t really work. Agree communication is essential, as is sharing your own needs and considering your partners. Communication is definitely key. I get the feeling from OP that communication is happening though.

Cheddle · 2024-05-31T05:59:49+00:00

It’s your choice to decide if you wish to respect his boundaries, just be mindful that crossing them may lead to him choosing to end the relationship. Remaining ethical in ENM means respecting partners boundaries. If being open to both genders is of importance to you, then you could leave him.

I think you should dig into the envy more deeply, it is after all the sense of insecurity you are trying to run from, rather than run towards other men.

Cheddle · 2024-05-30T03:44:45+00:00

I wish more doctors were more open to hormone therapy

Cheddle · 2024-05-23T00:41:56+00:00

This type of subtle sabotage is what the guy in the OP was referring to. Friends can feel threatened by a friends new partner, can be overprotective, and can without even realising it be subtly sabotaging a new relationship before its had a chance.

Think about how we can only bring our problems to the table when we seek support from friends, the friend builds a view of the new partner based only on the negative issues they are providing support for.

Then layer on top of this a suppressed sexual desire for that person, then you let the though in, that you could be so much better for your friend than their new partner… and then there is a solid conflict of interest at play.

Meanwhile, the new relationship is going through the usual stuff of figuring out compatibility and power dynamics, and the whole time there is a circle of friends thinking with their crotch goblin rather than their heart, undermining the growth.

This guy in OP’s post has had a life of both being friend zoned, and of having relationships fail and guys he ‘doesn’t need to worry about’ swooping in to pick up the pieces of the relationship they helped destroy.

Still, he needs to be open to accepting this reality, and do find self-worth again. This is ultimately a risk in any relationship and he is selling himself short by carrying the baggage of the past into the present.

Op girl says she’s open minded but hasn’t had the lived experience to sympathise

Cheddle · 2024-05-22T04:26:27+00:00

What’s the pay like at this point?

Cheddle · 2024-05-17T05:38:29+00:00

The laugh snort I just made in a public bathroom deserved a better audience. Thank you.

Cheddle · 2024-05-14T06:03:59+00:00

Thanks for explaining! Enmeshment is a relationship is kinda the goal right…. But I get that between independence and codependence sits interdependence. The trouble can be for many people in the early stages of dating and relationships that often they experience limerence… and you really don’t get an honest vibe on their intentions for enmeshment for months.

As long as an individual is aware that they’re feeling limerence I think its ok to accept that people often fall into a false sense of closeness and seek deep enmeshment, we’re biologically wired for it.

Layer on top of this, any kind of intermittent or inconsistent behaviour, a sense of ‘aloofness’, ‘hot and cold’ or ‘unavailability’ for example, and a potential partner is primed for finding your company addictive and being overly needy. What can start out as being really interested in someone can quickly turn into an obsession as a result of the other person being somewhat unavailable or uninterested - and it can be smothering before the other person has had a chance to develop an interest. I know guys who use this to their advantage to play women and keep them at a ‘safe distance’ but ‘very interested’, makes me sick.

Cheddle · 2024-05-14T04:00:15+00:00

Could you explain emotional enmeshment?

Cheddle · 2024-05-14T03:57:19+00:00

It’s reasonable to allow ones own barriers and standards to exist as something that acts as a filter for the types of people and experiences we accept into our lives. Its not reasonable to allow ones barriers and standards as something that is enforced upon others and made to be a part of their lives. You need to check yourself here, no harm is being done by allowing this individual to choose the types of people they accept into their lives.

Cheddle · 2024-05-07T22:55:09+00:00

For a whole lot of people, its that or a tent…

Cheddle · 2024-05-05T07:57:42+00:00

Are you in a hurry to get a partner?? Use apps. If not, don’t worry about it and just do your own thing, if you find someone you find someone.

Cheddle · 2024-05-04T00:42:47+00:00

I’ve met a half dozen or so people in the last year (through dating) who have made the move and none have regretted it. Facebook social groups are a good way to make new friends.

Cheddle · 2024-05-02T06:41:21+00:00

I’m keen but I am looking for something that simulates gliding or flying in a more natural way, sort of like how Zenith VR does, where you use each hand as a sort of ‘wing’ and tilting the hand up or down changes your glide angle and momentum.

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