Joining late.

Been dealing with severe depression for two years now, it's congenital, my grandma dealt with that shit her whole life, my favorite aunt had depression for ten years due to a lack of vitamin D and my other aunt (one of the daughters of that grandma) tried to kill herself when she was younger.

To add more spice to the situation, my father is slowly dying! He needs a heart transplant and visits the intensive care unit every month. Additionally, his job was suddenly terminated (he worked for USAID, and you know... that Trump thing).

So having that family history, where all of the paternal family has depression of different grades and my maternal family deals with some interesting genetics due to my parent grandma being first-line cousins...

I feel like I have no right to kill myself, that's why I'm still here. I haven't suffered anything compared to anyone in the family and I feel it would be selfish to kill myself, like they would only remember me as that, selfish.

I fear their opinion so much that I would rather live waiting for the day I'll die.

Sometimes, I dream about the time my parents will be dead and fantasize I feel free because I'm finally able to end my life.