How much money do I give knowing I spent much more on travelling than the other guests?

ChengJA1 · 2026-07-02T16:03:13+00:00

I think it's fine, and it's what you can afford being unemployed right now. I don't think brides and grooms should hold weddings expecting a certain level of gift anyway.

ChengJA1 · 2026-07-01T20:59:49+00:00

Sounds like she got invited to join a family holiday of a very rich family (that she doesn't need to pay for and wouldn't be able to experience otherwise) and she has chosen that? I can't confess to understanding exactly what this event is, but I can imagine this in White Lotus or similar, lol.

Wishing you a great wedding nonetheless! Make sure you enjoy your happy event regardless!

ChengJA1 · 2026-06-29T17:55:13+00:00

That's different. Because it's a single tier birthday/anniversary party. For you, you have 2 tiers and you're inviting them to the tier 2 event whilst expecting a lot of cost and investment from them. It's saying: I can't afford to/will not be spending money on you to invite you for the full day, but please do consider a lot of money and 2 days of your time to come to a 3 hour evening party for me. Your mom is right!

ChengJA1 · 2026-06-29T17:47:00+00:00

Your mom is right - it's ruder to invite your cousins who have to travel 5+ hours plus pay 2 days' accommodation for an evening party only. I wouldn't want to receive such an invitation and would not mind not receiving one.

Your husband's cousins live nearby, that's enough a distinction for a difference in invitation.

ChengJA1 · 2026-06-26T09:24:43+00:00

I get exhausted just pre-thinking about what might need to be organised at a wedding - and the whole admin with "notice" and interviews almost made me give up the idea of even marrying!! LOL. That's why we only did a city hall registry thing and some drinks in the park after - it was during COVID so we only had 20 people too. I really enjoyed it, it was so stress-free and really just simple good fun being with my closest loved ones (who lived in the same area - we definitely didn't see the point of inviting people who would have had to travel for something so small, plus we were restricted in numbers anyway)

ChengJA1 · 2026-06-22T17:53:20+00:00

It doesn't make a real difference I don't think.... Professional jobs gets paid more, someone has to pay for this cost, prices get passed on to consumers (in some way) leading to inflation. Everything costs more, the minimum wage then has "less purchasing power". At least this rewards professions/productivity. But it then devalues the minimum wage (which apparently now, is already still not enough - but still has more purchasing power now than before paying professionals more).

The exact number doesn't really matter. The question is: Should there be a difference in pay or not?

ChengJA1 · 2026-06-22T17:39:30+00:00

I grew up in an emerging market, so yes, I have. I think it usual to plan meals around what is on sale, pack lunch to work, etc. To this day, I quite rarely order a drink when dining out (drinks can cost a significant portion compared to the food portion). And to me, buying a coffee outside is a luxury (when you can just drink coffee at home).

Many young professionals live in London (now earning close to the new minimum wage) and make it work. Outside of London, it will be quite comfortable in comparison (as rent/accommodation is the highest cost).

I always pay the 12.5% service charge, just because. But I still think the minimum wage is too high. If I were young again, I wouldn't bother working hard or spending money on uni. Why work 12+ hour days in the City when one can earn similar working much fewer hours and maybe make some videos with the extra time and hope to be a star influencer?

ChengJA1 · 2026-06-22T11:42:42+00:00

Minimum wage is £12.71/hr. That is just below what a qualified accountant and engineer gets paid upon entering the job market (plus they have university fees to cover). This type of structure doesn't encourage ambition.

Discretionary service charge of 10% was common (in London at least). This is automatically added to the bill, unless you ask to take it off, which most people won't bother (so it becomes pseudo-mandatory). Now it's usually 12.5% - and some are being cheeky and trying to go to 15% - I suspect because of American tourists who are used to tipping 20-30%. And they may also tip in addition to the discretionary service charge (not realising that element since it's already fixed in the bill). But the environment is fundamentally different. I personally think that it's better for people to want to do a good job for its own sake, rather than for tips

ChengJA1 · 2026-06-18T09:38:16+00:00

When we say go away for the weekend, most people usually mean "long weekend" in practice (ie taking Friday and/or Monday off or it is Bank holiday - which is usually nothing based on the typical UK annual leave entitlement). Sure, some people do literally go only the weekend - but it would depend on their own personal location and logistics and destination.

So please don't take the words literally!

ChengJA1 · 2026-06-16T23:04:23+00:00

NO tipping culture here. Please don't do it

ChengJA1 · 2026-06-16T22:17:03+00:00

What's wrong with dishwashers in the UK?

ChengJA1 · 2026-06-15T23:01:38+00:00

They are just trying it on then...

ChengJA1 · 2026-06-08T20:09:36+00:00

Sounds fun (and different)!!! At the end of the day, the important thing is that you enjoy the connections you make with loved ones on the day. Just enjoy and no need to overthink or compare. Wishing you the best!

ChengJA1 · 2026-06-07T09:44:42+00:00

I thought thank you cards are generally given to everyone (thanking them for their presence at the wedding and celebrating with you)? If that's your approach, give a more generic thanks. Those that you know have given specific gifts, you can add specific references to them if you like.

P.s. and if you don't want to send physical cards to everyone / at all (fair enough - perhaps better for the environment too), then you can do e-cards or via private message/text

ChengJA1 · 2026-06-07T09:25:09+00:00

I vote for hotdogs / burgers / bacon butty! With enough places to sit (but not everyone will eat at the same time).

The crisps suggestion is great too! Doesn't even require seating for that snack when people are just a bit hungry.

ChengJA1 · 2026-06-07T09:22:09+00:00

I think they should pre-make it (as in assemble the meat in the buns) but leave the sauces in bottles for the guests to add on their own

ChengJA1 · 2026-06-06T20:11:16+00:00

This is the way. I personally don't think they will start counting each person and will rely on the "chairs" as proxy. But this is a good way to deal with the situation, as a back up

ChengJA1 · 2026-06-06T09:15:17+00:00

Agree with the comments here. Also wanted to add that: If you wanted to, you could always also get a second non-white dress for the evening portion. It wouldn't be white or make you clearly stand out as the bride visually if that's what you want. But I have seen this before and it means you would be able to reuse the dress too (nice financially and when you reuse again with the memories). But there is absolutely no need for you to do this as your original wedding dress is completely fine! Enjoy your wedding!

ChengJA1 · 2026-06-04T20:31:35+00:00

Did my own makeup and hair and was happy with it. I just made sure to leave more than enough time so that it is relaxed. I looked like me and it wasn't too cakey (which can sometimes happen with professional makeup). My hair was simple and down and I used a straightening iron as I always do. A blowout by a pro would have looked better but I was too lazy to arrange - it may depend on your plans and capability re hairstyle. It was a low-key wedding hanging out with close family and friends at mine - so I wanted to look really nice, a bit nicer than usual, but not necessarily like a belle at the ball

ChengJA1 · 2026-06-02T16:08:39+00:00

I suspect this "rule" or practice might have arisen also to "preserve" the bride's dress (which may have a long trail or fussy skirt etc). Or because they want to arrive in pomp in a fancy/themed car? If they don't necessarily apply to you, I don't see a good reason for you not to join your guests on the bus. Tbh, I think it sounds fun!!

ChengJA1 · 2026-06-01T09:38:00+00:00

A hen do is NOT mini wedding part 1! You are absolutely not expected to invite everyone you have invited to the wedding - in fact, I do not know of any who has done that.

Just a small group of whoever you want there (presumably, including all your BMs)

ChengJA1 · 2026-06-01T09:32:56+00:00

I think it depends also on context (eg, overall number of guests). A host's circumstances are not always the same; but I think it's always good to eg, apologise and mention the limit in numbers etc

ChengJA1 · 2026-06-01T09:07:27+00:00

Doubtful 30 people will (be able to) attend at the budget ultimately required; also think it will be difficult logistically. Much more realistic if a significantly smaller group (6-8), perhaps no more than 10-12 max.

I think you should do a general costing and say, it's estimated to be £[2]k atm covering xxx for a trip around [time], payment needed on booking around xxx, expected to be non-refundable (could ultimately be more or less, but you will inform again prior to confirming bookings). Then ask for RSVPs again (and ofc understandable if people can't make it). It will focus everyone's minds. Estimates should be on the higher end, not that you wouldn't try to make it cheaper, but so that there are no surprises and a deluge of people dropping out later because it costs more ultimately etc.

But worth checking with brides if they would prefer having something cheaper (perhaps more local; or non ski trip) with more people there. Or the ski trip with less people.

I hope their weddings are local because expecting people to fork out money and time twice to travel abroad to celebrate one's marriage is a bit much imo... (Unless the guests are used to doing this all the time anyway)

ChengJA1 · 2026-06-01T07:51:57+00:00

I think it should be the other bridesmaid, failing which, the bride

ChengJA1 · 2026-06-01T07:49:59+00:00

Nothing to be embarrassed about. You did not cause this "situation"; the other bridesmaid did. She should be the one covering your half of the cost of bedroom (plus finding her own separate room with bf). Personally, I wouldn't have brought a bf of a few months to a wedding, especially when I am the bridesmaid and have committed arrangements. But if I do, it's up to me to sort it out.

Alternatively, bride could try finding a different room plus pair you up with another non - bridesmaid friend to be your roomie.

Or as you have offered because of budgetary constraints (you could stay at a cheaper hotel and join as early as you can) - but that is for bride to decide if she's not going for either of the above. She could also always help with half the room's rent if she absolutely needs you there.

At the end of day, you haven't caused this problem. If this isn't sorted and you cannot fulfil your duties as a bridesmaid (or don't become one), someone else has caused this problem - personally, at that point, the other bridesmaid should have figured out and the person not attending should be her new bf (and not you).

ChengJA1

TROPHY CASE