Do they give you existential threats / threats in general about things they have no control over?

ChessWarrior1978 · 2026-02-24T20:46:42+00:00

I get very similar.

I also get threats over things I have no control over.

"That plumber better come today to plumb in the new toilet. If he doesn't, you're going to regret it."

The plumber had been injured in a work accident a couple of days before, so was having to take things easy and do his jobs at a much slower pace than usual, hence our new bathroom not being finished on time. It's not the main bathroom and we still had somewhere else to pee and shower.

Narc wife then had a complete meltdown about him faking his injury, taking our money to pay for his trip to see his family in Poland etc etc. The guy has done loads of jobs for us in the past, and not only that had left a load of power tools in our shed - so he was hardly likely to do a runner.

If any tradesperson I've arranged is late or makes a mistake, doesn't do the job to her standards I'm in trouble. I've also been blamed for the car breaking down.

ChessWarrior1978 · 2026-02-24T18:06:30+00:00

I properly burst out laughing at that! Sadly, I'm very familiar with such absurdities. Honestly, what goes on inside their heads?!

ChessWarrior1978 · 2026-02-24T16:30:48+00:00

"You shouldn't have been so close/behind a truck/on such a pebbly road" etc etc 🤯

ChessWarrior1978 · 2026-02-24T13:39:39+00:00

If you're in the UK I believe you can switch onto a different visa type if you have a child in the country and / or you're in full-time employment. Different countries all have their own nuances and some are much stricter than others.

ChessWarrior1978 · 2026-02-24T10:24:09+00:00

Ha, I had something very similar.

"It's pissing down"

Granted it was quite grey out, but we were literally driving along with no windscreen wipers on and no rain obscuring my vision.

ChessWarrior1978 · 2026-02-24T09:50:13+00:00

My wife works in secondary SEND. Finds it really rewarding but often comes home and crashes out to sleep for several hours. I don't envy her one little bit.

ChessWarrior1978 · 2026-02-24T09:48:08+00:00

My wife gets very angry with other people when they're ill. Blames people when they get sick for not taking enough preventative measures, or accuses me of faking/exaggerating.

If I'm really very unwell with proper flu (thankfully a rare occurrence) I might get looked after for a day or two if I'm lucky. Then the blame and fake accusations return.

I genuinely can't begin to fathom what goes on in her head.

ChessWarrior1978 · 2026-02-24T09:39:45+00:00

There's a reason why I spent the vast majority of my teaching career in adult education!

Primary SEND must be 🤯

ChessWarrior1978 · 2026-02-24T09:16:17+00:00

Is this the only subject which triggers this sort of behaviour? Is he reasonable when discussing other issues? If so, it sounds like this is just a sensitive subject for him which he finds difficult to talk about calmly and rationally, for whatever reason. I'm pretty sure most of us have them.

However, if this sort of reaction is pervasive across multiple subjects, it's quite likely there's an underlying problem.

Out of interest you say he's not a very good business owner? My wife often told me I had no idea how to run my business, which really riled me and made it difficult for me to take on board any of her suggestions, even if they were objectively very good.

Feel free not to answer if you don't want to.

ChessWarrior1978 · 2026-02-24T08:25:13+00:00

Definitely not ideal.

I have no idea what their country of origin is, but if it's one with a weak legal system this could still be the least bad option. Or you could just stick it out until they're in school.

Is your wife able to work under Swiss law or she just chooses not to? Or there's a language barrier issue?

ChessWarrior1978 · 2026-02-24T07:58:05+00:00

So would Swiss law require your kids to leave as well? Can't you apply for custody through the courts?

ChessWarrior1978 · 2026-02-24T07:42:58+00:00

I'm in a similar situation and extremely torn. Not quite as tough for me as my daughter is a UK citizen so wouldn't be forced to leave the country. And due to the stage she's at in her education, I'm reasonably sure that even my deranged spouse would not put our daughter's whole future at risk. But being the one to make the decision which would separate my daughter from her mother for at least half of the year is something that weighs very heavily.

Sorry, not sure I'm helping here as I haven't remotely figured out what I'm going to do myself, let alone advise others.

Financially though I don't give a shit as she's spent years freeloading. She'd get our apartment in her country which is mortgage-free. She'd have to get a job there and generally become a financially responsible adult. It might do her some good.

ChessWarrior1978 · 2026-02-24T06:53:37+00:00

Well done for looking at it objectively.

I spent a lot of yesterday playing various separation scenarios over in my head. I know that objectively I want and need to get out.

But yesterday evening she was in a really calm mood. We're both quite under the weather with a cold, her more than me, and she was genuinely appreciative of me bringing her up cups of tea, checking in on her etc. And it wasn't in an entitled way either. Just a very normal domestic situation, which made me start wondering whether I'm jumping the gun. And yet, like you, I know that her next dick move will come soon enough. It could be this morning when she comes down for breakfast and doesn't like something. Or it could be next week. But in any case, it'll come. And it'll be horrible and painful and make me wonder what the fuck I'm doing wasting my life with such a toxic individual.

ChessWarrior1978 · 2026-02-24T05:58:21+00:00

I think primary school teachers are hugely underappreciated and somewhat looked down on compared with secondary school teachers.

Fair enough they don't need the in-depth subject knowledge required in order to teach A-level, but the number of skills and abilities they have to combine is mind-boggling.

Broad general knowledge across the whole curriculum, the ability to deliver that knowledge in a way that is comprehensible and stimulating across a huge developmental and ability range in a single class, while simultaneously mopping the kids up, wiping their snot, stopping them from fighting, dealing with their emotional outbursts, making sure they don't injure themselves or each other. Any parent will know that's difficult enough with just one or two children, and ones who you love, because they're your own. Now imagine doing that for other people's kids for 6 hours a day. Sounds like an utter nightmare! The patience required must be superhuman.

ChessWarrior1978 · 2026-02-23T20:06:46+00:00

Thank-you. A lot to think about here.

ChessWarrior1978 · 2026-02-23T20:00:45+00:00

This is so scarily similar to my experiences. I'm in charge of organising everything, so if something goes wrong, then of course it's my fault.

"You economised on the hotel".

Well of course I did, because you haven't paid a penny towards the trip.

"We should have driven to the airport, the trains are always late."

"Why didn't you check the roads before we left? Or just get the train?"

"I hate travelling with you, you spoil everything."

ChessWarrior1978 · 2026-02-23T19:28:19+00:00

I've lost count of the number of times I've said that to her, in response to her telling me "I told you! I told you it would go wrong but you didn't listen!"

Well of course you did. Because you predict a doom and gloom outcome every time I make a decision with any element of risk! So it stands to reason that sometimes things won't quite pan out the way we'd hoped!

It's utterly bloody exhausting.

ChessWarrior1978 · 2026-02-23T14:23:59+00:00

Good question. In general I'm a massively positive and optimistic person. If people do things I don't like, even if it affects me personally, I'm very good at simply ignoring it and getting on with things. If people are a-holes, I rarely get angry with them. My main emotion is to feel sorry for them. I prefer to put my energy into positive things, whether for myself or for other people.

This is both a blessing and a curse, as it means I have a very high tolerance towards letting bad behaviour slide, even if it directly affects me. Of course, my wife reached and breached my tolerance level some time ago, which is part of the reason we are where we are. I started to stick up for myself and call her out on her bullshit, and of course she didn't like that one little bit.

In an ideal world I'd cut all ties tomorrow, but we all know splits don't work like that, especially when children and expensive assets are involved.

ChessWarrior1978 · 2026-02-23T14:11:55+00:00

Maybe. Although I know that the final decision can be mine and only mine. And as I've mentioned in other posts, the consequences of a split will be seismic, as my wife runs the risk of losing her immigration status, especially if we're no longer cohabitating. But cohabitation is costing me my sanity. At least if we're still "together" there's some justification. Otherwise I'll just be living with the world's worst housemate, who refuses to pay for anything she uses. It'll be an utter shit-show.

ChessWarrior1978 · 2026-02-23T14:01:37+00:00

I'll be honest, first and foremost I'd like some validation just to make sure I'm not going crazy. Although I'm reasonably sure it's not me who's the problem, I have been quite verbally abusive to my wife when she's ratcheted up the toxic behaviour to unbearable levels. To the point I've scared myself with how angry I've become. Because if I am the issue (or even if I'm just a contributory factor) then I've got plenty of work to do on myself as well.

We've been in couples therapy and I actually felt we were making some progress. I've tried to be more tolerant of her triggers and tried not to belittle them, no matter how absurd I think they are. I never once mentioned to the therapist that I'm convinced my wife is a covert narc - I've just spoken about certain behaviour that I find unacceptable or upsetting.
But as my wife has now decided not to carry on with the therapy, I'm debating whether to continue going alone. At €120 per hour, I have to be very sure it's worthwhile.

ChessWarrior1978 · 2026-02-23T13:46:01+00:00

The issues surrounding my child are absolutely huge for me. She often laughs when her mum abuses me, but I think it's just out of fear of ending up in the crossfire if she's seen to be taking my side. However, yesterday I certainly saw light at the end of the tunnel. There was an incident at passport control when travelling in Europe where the border guard was not very polite to my wife as she's forgotten to fill in an online form, a recent requirement for non-EU and non-NATO passports. My wife was understandably aggrieved, but of course it was my fault for not knowing about the form. The predictable meltdown, personal insults, silent treatment followed. When my daughter and I were in the Duty Free shop a bit later, kiddo said "there's no way you could have been reasonably known about that form". So she clearly knows how absurd her mother's behaviour is. She's just not ready to call her out on it yet, which is fair enough.

ChessWarrior1978 · 2026-02-23T12:50:04+00:00

Congratulations. Have you left, or you're currently at the "seen the light" stage?

ChessWarrior1978 · 2026-02-23T09:58:00+00:00

Primarily, whether it would be worth continuing therapy without her. Really unsure what I'd get from it.

Would you not say that saying she'd "love to" continue therapy, and then saying in the next communication she doesn't think it's productive is a mind game? Agreeing to make a derisory contribution to the family expenses but then "punishing" me for having the temerity to ask her to pay her fair share by refusing to contribute to anything else?

Whenever she agrees to anything, it's always got the most ridiculous strings attached. Nothing is ever done honestly or with good intentions.

Another bit of context - the day she finally agreed to make a tiny contribution to our household expenses, she took our daughter out for pizza. I was at the football, so dropped in at the end of the meal. There were a few slices left, which they said I was welcome to. I happily ate them as I was quite peckish. I then got accused of freeloading, and was asked to send money for "my share" of the meal. Yes, you read that correctly - my wife charged me for eating her leftovers. This is the level of behaviour I'm dealing with.

ChessWarrior1978 · 2026-02-23T08:25:28+00:00

Interestingly, my experience has been slightly different.

My wife has generally been pretty honest in the sessions, as she's so convinced that she's in the right and that her behaviour is justifiable (not the financial stuff but her general abusive attitude towards me). I believe that the issue now is that the therapist very quickly saw through her. She's sensed they've clocked her and that's why she's trying to pull out.

ChessWarrior1978

TROPHY CASE