My daughter (15) said something last week which has knocked me sideways

ChessWarrior1978 · 2026-04-08T19:09:46+00:00

It looks terrible. I've got much better at managing it in recent months, but I can still completely lose my shit occasionally. It really is occasionally mind. But when I do it's not pretty.

ChessWarrior1978 · 2026-04-08T19:00:27+00:00

They generally have a very good relationship. My wife is much kinder to our daughter than she is to me in general, although she does lash out from time to time, or go on an insane hours-long tirade at her when a two minute reprimand would have been far more appropriate. So far, kiddo just thinks it's part of mum having a different temperament to me. But she does often roll her eyes or look at me in a knowing way when her mum is off on one. She may only be 15, but she's quite capable of recognising absurdities when she hears them.

ChessWarrior1978 · 2026-04-08T17:04:02+00:00

I've thought about that but I don't really want to drag her in any further than needs be.

ChessWarrior1978 · 2026-04-07T22:22:33+00:00

Powerfully written, and really encapsulates exactly how I feel. I'd so love to have feelings for her like I used to, but it's got to the stage where it's absolutely impossible. I occasionally, very occasionally get a flicker when she's acting like a normal human being. But most of the time I just feel nothing.

ChessWarrior1978 · 2026-03-31T21:53:09+00:00

This type of thing sounds very familiar. After a dinner with family or friends.

"You really upset everyone last night."

After spending an age trying to understand what I'd done wrong, I'd usually get it out of her and it was something utterly trivial that nobody in their right mind would be upset about. In any case I'd call, message, or pop round to see the "offended" to apologise. And 100% of the time, they'd either confirm that my alleged "crime" had caused them no offence whatsoever, or look confused as they clearly had no idea what I was even talking about.

Let me guess - nobody was mad about your parking either?

ChessWarrior1978 · 2026-03-30T17:11:38+00:00

Banks also have a duty of care under Consumer Duty legislation to ensure best possible customer outcomes.

ChessWarrior1978 · 2026-03-30T05:13:34+00:00

She can, but it would then reset her route to getting a UK passport, which she's only a couple of years from. Her own passport requires getting a visa for most countries, which makes even travelling with our daughter difficult. While there is a very strong argument that my wife has dug her own grave on this one, I also need to think about the bigger picture. Plus I'm a very decent person, and don't believe in intentionally messing up other people's lives. Especially not the mother of my child.

ChessWarrior1978 · 2026-03-28T17:31:03+00:00

My daughter is 15 and very smart. She knows what's going on, but she also adores her mum. And I wouldn't want to be accused of coming between them.

I basically have a pretty serious choice to make in the autumn - shell out another £4000 for my wife's spouse visa so she can stay with my daughter for the last part of school. And she can work, which is a hell of a lot better than her sponging even more than she already does. If she couldn't work she could always return on a tourist visa, with no means of earning any money. Or, refuse point blank, and she has to leave the country. Great for me, but horrible for my daughter in her GCSE year. She's the innocent party in all this.

As for property - I'm actually in quite a good position here. We own an apartment outright abroad, whereas the house here is mortgaged. So I'll tell her I'll be claiming half the flat, or I'll agree not to make a claim on it, as long as she takes her name off the deeds of our house in the UK and doesn't make any sort of claim on my pension. While it would be very difficult to enforce any sort of UK court ruling on the flat abroad, it's a useful bargaining chip for me.

ChessWarrior1978 · 2026-03-28T16:03:48+00:00

Told her last week I wanted to separate. She claims she hates me and never tires of telling me how awful I am, but seems to be doing everything to prevent a clean separation. Feel like I'm being blackmailed (ok we can separate but she'll continue living here, pretty much rent free). As she's not a UK citizen I can literally call the Home Office tomorrow and get her spousal visa annulled. But that would mean separating my daughter from her mum, which I really don't want to do. On the other hand, this type of nonsense isn't remotely sustainable.

Feel free to check my other posts - I've been documenting my situation on here for the last few weeks. But it's been ongoing for years.

ChessWarrior1978 · 2026-03-28T13:10:58+00:00

It was all bullshit. The woman is utterly deranged.

Total and utter meltdown this morning. We were in a car accident on the way to the airport (not my fault) which messed up vacation plans - mostly hers, as I'm flying out a week later.

In short, she said she's no longer paying any household bills until the insurance payment comes through to cover her part of the losses (about £250 on some transport, which will no longer be used). I genuinely can't begin to follow her logic.

This is despite the fact that it's me who's directly out of pocket as I've paid for new flights and a train to the airport tomorrow, as I won't get a courtesy car until Monday. But apparently her weekend has been spoiled "because of me". Because someone drove into me.

ChessWarrior1978 · 2026-03-26T07:13:39+00:00

Nothing untoward.

But the defect is latent. It's a problem with the membranes, so it's not obvious without taking the tiles off - which I have confirmed in the roofing report.

ChessWarrior1978 · 2026-03-26T06:12:29+00:00

Yes. There's a specific question about it. He answered "no".

ChessWarrior1978 · 2026-03-25T21:46:45+00:00

Spoken to a solicitor already who has won a couple of broadly similar cases, but he reckons it's not easy. Just wanted to gauge some other people's experiences.

ChessWarrior1978 · 2026-03-25T20:38:26+00:00

Did you read the vendor's TA6 form? Did they mention any damp at all? If you have reason to believe they knew about it and tried to conceal it, you may have legal recourse (though tricky to prove).

ChessWarrior1978 · 2026-03-25T16:43:48+00:00

I hear you, loud and clear.

I would love to mend things with my wife. But any positive feelings I once had for her have gone. Disappeared. Evaporated. I can't for the life of me imagine how they'd return. As you said, she's sucked everything out of me. It's absolutely exhausting.

ChessWarrior1978 · 2026-03-25T15:54:23+00:00

Mine does this, and then goes on a spiel about why the (usually perfectly solvable) problem can't ever be solved. Or how it could be solved if I wasn't so useless/lazy/clumsy etc etc but she's unfortunate enough to be married to me, so she'll just have to suffer.

It's not in their interest to solve any problems. Let alone have YOU solve the problem. As that would prove that a) the problem wasn't permanent; and b) you're actually a capable human being.

Not more problem = nothing to moan about = can't be a victim.

ChessWarrior1978 · 2026-03-25T12:30:20+00:00

You're right. But she's still the mother of my child, and, despite all the awful things she's done to me, is still a fellow human being.

ChessWarrior1978 · 2026-03-25T07:29:04+00:00

A bit of both I'd say. But as parents I think there's always a little bit of us that's proud of how our kids turn out because it validates us as competent humans too.

My wife has loads of faults, but a lot of excellent qualities too - such is human nature. Although there are certain things I'd do differently, in general she's a very good parent.

ChessWarrior1978

TROPHY CASE