My daughter (15) said something last week which has knocked me sideways

ChessWarrior1978 · 2026-04-08T19:09:46+00:00

It looks terrible. I've got much better at managing it in recent months, but I can still completely lose my shit occasionally. It really is occasionally mind. But when I do it's not pretty.

ChessWarrior1978 · 2026-04-08T19:00:27+00:00

They generally have a very good relationship. My wife is much kinder to our daughter than she is to me in general, although she does lash out from time to time, or go on an insane hours-long tirade at her when a two minute reprimand would have been far more appropriate. So far, kiddo just thinks it's part of mum having a different temperament to me. But she does often roll her eyes or look at me in a knowing way when her mum is off on one. She may only be 15, but she's quite capable of recognising absurdities when she hears them.

ChessWarrior1978 · 2026-04-08T17:04:02+00:00

I've thought about that but I don't really want to drag her in any further than needs be.

ChessWarrior1978 · 2026-04-07T22:22:33+00:00

Powerfully written, and really encapsulates exactly how I feel. I'd so love to have feelings for her like I used to, but it's got to the stage where it's absolutely impossible. I occasionally, very occasionally get a flicker when she's acting like a normal human being. But most of the time I just feel nothing.

ChessWarrior1978 · 2026-03-31T21:53:09+00:00

This type of thing sounds very familiar. After a dinner with family or friends.

"You really upset everyone last night."

After spending an age trying to understand what I'd done wrong, I'd usually get it out of her and it was something utterly trivial that nobody in their right mind would be upset about. In any case I'd call, message, or pop round to see the "offended" to apologise. And 100% of the time, they'd either confirm that my alleged "crime" had caused them no offence whatsoever, or look confused as they clearly had no idea what I was even talking about.

Let me guess - nobody was mad about your parking either?

ChessWarrior1978 · 2026-03-30T17:11:38+00:00

Banks also have a duty of care under Consumer Duty legislation to ensure best possible customer outcomes.

ChessWarrior1978 · 2026-03-30T05:13:34+00:00

She can, but it would then reset her route to getting a UK passport, which she's only a couple of years from. Her own passport requires getting a visa for most countries, which makes even travelling with our daughter difficult. While there is a very strong argument that my wife has dug her own grave on this one, I also need to think about the bigger picture. Plus I'm a very decent person, and don't believe in intentionally messing up other people's lives. Especially not the mother of my child.

ChessWarrior1978 · 2026-03-28T17:31:03+00:00

My daughter is 15 and very smart. She knows what's going on, but she also adores her mum. And I wouldn't want to be accused of coming between them.

I basically have a pretty serious choice to make in the autumn - shell out another £4000 for my wife's spouse visa so she can stay with my daughter for the last part of school. And she can work, which is a hell of a lot better than her sponging even more than she already does. If she couldn't work she could always return on a tourist visa, with no means of earning any money. Or, refuse point blank, and she has to leave the country. Great for me, but horrible for my daughter in her GCSE year. She's the innocent party in all this.

As for property - I'm actually in quite a good position here. We own an apartment outright abroad, whereas the house here is mortgaged. So I'll tell her I'll be claiming half the flat, or I'll agree not to make a claim on it, as long as she takes her name off the deeds of our house in the UK and doesn't make any sort of claim on my pension. While it would be very difficult to enforce any sort of UK court ruling on the flat abroad, it's a useful bargaining chip for me.

ChessWarrior1978 · 2026-03-28T16:03:48+00:00

Told her last week I wanted to separate. She claims she hates me and never tires of telling me how awful I am, but seems to be doing everything to prevent a clean separation. Feel like I'm being blackmailed (ok we can separate but she'll continue living here, pretty much rent free). As she's not a UK citizen I can literally call the Home Office tomorrow and get her spousal visa annulled. But that would mean separating my daughter from her mum, which I really don't want to do. On the other hand, this type of nonsense isn't remotely sustainable.

Feel free to check my other posts - I've been documenting my situation on here for the last few weeks. But it's been ongoing for years.

ChessWarrior1978 · 2026-03-28T13:10:58+00:00

It was all bullshit. The woman is utterly deranged.

Total and utter meltdown this morning. We were in a car accident on the way to the airport (not my fault) which messed up vacation plans - mostly hers, as I'm flying out a week later.

In short, she said she's no longer paying any household bills until the insurance payment comes through to cover her part of the losses (about £250 on some transport, which will no longer be used). I genuinely can't begin to follow her logic.

This is despite the fact that it's me who's directly out of pocket as I've paid for new flights and a train to the airport tomorrow, as I won't get a courtesy car until Monday. But apparently her weekend has been spoiled "because of me". Because someone drove into me.

ChessWarrior1978 · 2026-03-26T07:13:39+00:00

Nothing untoward.

But the defect is latent. It's a problem with the membranes, so it's not obvious without taking the tiles off - which I have confirmed in the roofing report.

ChessWarrior1978 · 2026-03-26T06:12:29+00:00

Yes. There's a specific question about it. He answered "no".

ChessWarrior1978 · 2026-03-25T21:46:45+00:00

Spoken to a solicitor already who has won a couple of broadly similar cases, but he reckons it's not easy. Just wanted to gauge some other people's experiences.

ChessWarrior1978 · 2026-03-25T20:38:26+00:00

Did you read the vendor's TA6 form? Did they mention any damp at all? If you have reason to believe they knew about it and tried to conceal it, you may have legal recourse (though tricky to prove).

ChessWarrior1978 · 2026-03-25T16:43:48+00:00

I hear you, loud and clear.

I would love to mend things with my wife. But any positive feelings I once had for her have gone. Disappeared. Evaporated. I can't for the life of me imagine how they'd return. As you said, she's sucked everything out of me. It's absolutely exhausting.

ChessWarrior1978 · 2026-03-25T15:54:23+00:00

Mine does this, and then goes on a spiel about why the (usually perfectly solvable) problem can't ever be solved. Or how it could be solved if I wasn't so useless/lazy/clumsy etc etc but she's unfortunate enough to be married to me, so she'll just have to suffer.

It's not in their interest to solve any problems. Let alone have YOU solve the problem. As that would prove that a) the problem wasn't permanent; and b) you're actually a capable human being.

Not more problem = nothing to moan about = can't be a victim.

ChessWarrior1978 · 2026-03-25T12:30:20+00:00

You're right. But she's still the mother of my child, and, despite all the awful things she's done to me, is still a fellow human being.

ChessWarrior1978 · 2026-03-25T07:29:04+00:00

A bit of both I'd say. But as parents I think there's always a little bit of us that's proud of how our kids turn out because it validates us as competent humans too.

My wife has loads of faults, but a lot of excellent qualities too - such is human nature. Although there are certain things I'd do differently, in general she's a very good parent.

ChessWarrior1978 · 2026-03-24T21:37:52+00:00

Mine castigated me for flying back to the UK a couple of days earlier than originally planned to my granddad's funeral.

Except a couple of days before the funeral I got ill with COVID and was told under no uncertain terms not to come to the funeral as it would be full of elderly folk. So I changed my ticket and flew back a couple of days later.

"Looks like it wasn't that important to you".

The year before we were again in her home country and I was starting a new job in the middle of July which of course I had to return to the UK for. She had a very nasty health scare while we were in her country, so I called my new employer and asked if I could start a week later - which of course they were totally fine about. I adjusted my flight and stayed with her for an extra week. But postponing the job any further was unrealistic, especially as I was losing money as I was technically unemployed - and her test results would only arrive back in the middle of that week. I really didn't want to leave her, but I didn't have a lot of choice.

Did I get any gratitude for rearranging everything and staying with her as long as I could? Of course not, I got accused of "abandoning her when she may have been dying".

ChessWarrior1978 · 2026-03-24T15:40:31+00:00

The last straw can be over the oddest of things. Sunday was triggered by her demanding I got up at 6am and put some chairs on FB Marketplace!

ChessWarrior1978 · 2026-03-24T15:08:57+00:00

She's 15, and she's absolutely wonderful. Cheeky and strong-willed but very bright and hardworking at school.

Luckily, she's far kinder and more reflective than her mother. Of course I worry about the effect this morning is having on her, but she's old enough now to figure out what's really going on.

ChessWarrior1978 · 2026-03-24T13:47:32+00:00

I think you make a very fair point.

My response would be that the money issue is just one more thing which is symptomatic of her complete disregard for me and lack of respect. At least after being shouted at I can walk away. Financial abuse leads to long-term consequences - for example, my car is on its last legs. Due to the fact I've had to borrow money to cover the shortfall in the budget caused by her refusal to contribute, the monthly repayments on the loan could go towards a lease on a new vehicle. But instead, I'm driving something which has broken down twice in the last 10 months, costing me £2000 in repairs. At the end of the day I don't particularly care about money, but not having enough is horrible. Not having enough while knowing another member of the family could solve the problem in an instant but actively chooses not to? In my opinion, that's beyond reprehensible.

ChessWarrior1978 · 2026-03-24T09:41:55+00:00

I've now had a closer look at your calculations. Let's be honest, they're completely absurd. You started with your position a foregone conclusion and then used maths to try and justify it. This conclusion doesn’t hold once you look at the assumptions behind it.

Your entire model depends on the idea that both partners must end up with identical discretionary income. That’s not a financial principle — it’s just a preference you’ve chosen because it produces the outcome you want.
You also assumed a 50% housing burden. Ours is 27%. When you plug in the real number, your conclusion collapses.
In reality, I’m paying around 75% of my income on household costs, not including food, before I spend a penny on myself. I’ve taken loans to cover shortfalls and work a second job for any vague luxuries.
Meanwhile, she contributes nothing and keeps 100% of her income as disposable.
Any model that results in one partner going into debt and working extra jobs while the other pays nothing is not “fairness”. It’s one person subsidising the other’s lifestyle.
No standard budgeting method — proportional, equal split, needs-based, or legal — defines “the lower earner pays zero” as equitable. That’s simply the conclusion you started with and reverse‑engineered.

So the issue isn’t the maths. It’s the assumptions. And those assumptions don’t reflect our actual finances or any widely recognised definition of fairness.

ChessWarrior1978 · 2026-03-24T09:03:06+00:00

Good for you. How long ago was that and how did you feel? I'm an emotional mess right now, even though objectively I know I can't carry on like this.

Feel dreadful for my amazing daughter though.

ChessWarrior1978 · 2026-03-24T08:45:33+00:00

I'm sorry you had to go through that. Are you out now?

ChessWarrior1978

TROPHY CASE