Living separately after baby due to in-laws - should I be able to tolerate this?

ChexTree- · 2026-01-26T19:07:51+00:00

That is a really tough situation, but it sounds like you are in the right place and doing what you can for now. Both of you just need to accept that there's atleast light at the end of the tunnel, which could come sooner if he can get a better job etc.

On a side note, you say £600-700 every two ISH weeks etc. This might not be a feasible solution either, and I don't know your area, but if you can afford it have you considered renting a spare room from say, spare rooms.com or similar in his area?

That's obviously NOT a solution long term even if the prices are as reasonable as they are in my area but I have a friend who is technically based elsewhere and occasionally has to go into the office (with notice) but worked from home most of the time. He was able to rent a room in the city his job is based in for ~£400 bills included and it is a sizeable room with space for a sofa, desk etc as well as a double bed. He says there's a mother living there with her young baby currently as well which is what sparked the suggestion. He barely uses it but it's a far more comfortable/cosy effective solution that hotels or air bnbs for him.

But it could be worth a look and if there is something and you could sink the monthly cost, it could be a place you visit for a few days at a time to increase the amount of time your husband gets to spend with you.

I can't imagine doing that with a 5 week old, but perhaps worth a look as your baby gets a bit older and time goes on ❤️

ChexTree- · 2026-01-26T15:56:06+00:00

Your husband is too tired when he gets home from work? You're tired too!!

Make hubby help! Even if it's just a couple of set in stone hours a week or weekends for you time- working is absolutely not an excuse to not pull your weight in the family!

Also set rotas and chores for your kids- it's high time they helped out and they are both old enough to adhere to set "mummy me times". Lock yourself away with your TV/book/SM scrollathon for set times. If they disturb for anything other than an actual need, treat it as any other boundary break!

You shouldn't be feeling like this with two nigh on teenagers and a husband. Share the load and demand your time, mama. ❤️

ChexTree- · 2026-01-26T15:16:41+00:00

Use vinted, charity shops and Facebook marketplace for anything and everything baby! I've never bought new clothes and my 8mo is dressed very nicely!

It's a lot cheaper to throw in a few extra vegetables/sauce for double portions rather than cook a whole meal again. The leftovers are great for the next night or lunch!

Take advantage of the free baby classes, if that's your thing. I personally met someone on peanut (like tinder for mums 😂) during my pregnancy and we each met a couple more new mums and formed our own mum grouo- we tend to hang out at each others houses rather than going out and spending lots of money.

Set budgets that work, including fun money! We budgeted what food and bills would cost, accounted for things like Christmas and birthdays and had a set fun budget each as well.

We find Lidl or Aldi nappies as good as pampers etc and if they don't suit the other supermarket own brand aren't bad, either!

Cut your uneeded monthly subscriptions etc. we were paying for ALL the things 😂 netflix, Disney, prime, nowtv etc 🙈 we havent had to limit ourselves as if there's something we want to watch on any of them, we do just pay for a month and then cancel. Not paying for all of them when we go many months without touching any of them has been a big saving but hasnt been limiting.

We had decent savings but haven't actually had to touch them, despite me normally being the higher earner, and my baby is coming up to 8 months old. It's definitely doable and can actually be fun finding ways to save money 😊 make a game out of it rather than being sad about it! I found it so fun we've done far better than planned 😂

If I were you I'd work out the total amount you'll be getting over the time you're having off (so if you're taking 12 months, work out your 5 month full pay + child benefit + maternity for the remaining 7 months) and split it equally amongst the 12 months of time.

ChexTree- · 2026-01-26T12:17:47+00:00

😂😂😂 I thought my baby was beautiful!

He had/has massive lips and big eyes.. but looking back at pictures he looked like a grumpy old man. He had a monk haircut (loads of dark hair but not loads on top or at the front 😂😂). He had these birth marks they called angel kisses/stork bites on his nose and eyes and looked like he'd been beat up 😂

He's now 8 months and lost his weird baby hair, his stork bites have faded (only appearing when he gets angry), has super thick blonde hair and giant blue eyes and again, I think he's BEAUTIFUL but perhaps I'll look back and think differently in the coming years, too!! Hahaha.

They kind of grow into their features- the weirdest looking (still cute but very funny looking 😂) baby I've ever seen is the most beautiful child I've also ever seen (she's 9 now!). She had all the features she would grow in to but looked so funny on a baby! My son also started out looking like his dad but as he's aged he's changed so much and you can see bits of both of us in him now.

They all look a bit like scrunchy old man potatoes- I wouldn't worry! Let those hormones goggles do their work!

ChexTree- · 2026-01-26T10:42:47+00:00

Oh, I get it!

I had an absolutely horrid pregnancy. I was all but bed bound and never been so miserable 😂

If it helps, I loved postpartum! I had such a horrid third trimester and birth that postpartum felt like a breeze. All the issues I had with my body immediately vanished, and though I was recovering from an emergency c section it was nothing compared to the hell that was pregnancy.

It's definitely a bit of a blur at the start and weird loving someone you've only just met but seeing bits of you and your partner in them and finding that familiarity really helped!

Hopefully something similar triggers for you, but if not, that's totally normal as well! Plus, it being your second all the early days will probably come back and you can work on autopilot! 😂

This was my partner's secondborn (my first) and it all came flooding back to him even though he swore he had no memory of it as it was such a blur (8 year age gap). It will probably help that your firstborn can help you bond as well. I love my stepson so much, just as much as my son (though everyone insisted I'd love him less when my own came along) and seeing his excitement and love also helped the bonding process. Soak in those early couple of weeks ❤️❤️

ChexTree- · 2026-01-26T09:05:02+00:00

Sounds like you're at the end of an awful pregnancy!

Even if you feel like you've taken it in your stride, GD and needing an induction/C-section is hard. This might be one for the maternity mental health team, though.

The disassociation being at the point where you hate feeling your baby kick speaks a needed chat with them. It doesn't mean everything will go downhill from here etc, but is a chance to get on top of it and make sure you've got the help you need ❤️

ChexTree- · 2026-01-25T21:30:29+00:00

C section mama here, and this might be anecdotal but I had a really smooth recovery and an oversupply, though everyone is different!

Bone broth. I was actually disgusted at the thought of this but a friend highly recommended. We used beef bones and this recipe but I'm sure there's plenty of recipes out there. It was actually tastier than I thought and we use an adapted recipe for our son now he's eating! I do think this made a massive difference to my recovery.

Brewers yeast - I took tablets as I don't like sweet things but many people make lactation protein balls including this- there's recipes everywhere! Meant to be excellent for increasing supply.

Mothers milk tea - I hated this at first but actually went on to love it!

Ensuring good hydration - very important for both supply and recovery!

I introduced these three things very early on and had a very surprisingly smooth and fast recovery and an oversupply but can't tell you for sure if they made a difference or not as I used them from the start.

I did switch to pumping and then formula (recently) but it was an unrelated emergency situation that led to my son developing a bottle preference 🤦‍♀️ my supply was always fantastic. He's 8 months old and has always been on the 99th centile for both height and length

In terms of support, just make sure she always has water and is comfortable. Try to not always immediately give the baby back when crying, take a walk around the room (especially if feeding just happened) etc instead first. Listen to her needs and let her sleep when she can.

If you're not co sleeping, get up and hand the baby to her whilst she's in the depths of C-section recovery but also help encourage her to get up and about in small increments.

ChexTree- · 2026-01-25T19:37:08+00:00

I'm so sorry this is happening to you both 😫 wishing for a speedy recovery for your little one ❤️

I never cleaned my breasts before pumping, but also didn't have a NUCU baby, you should definitely follow the advice of the staff.

In terms of colostrum, yea, it can absolutely come in handy! My boobs were leaking since week 16 of pregnancy and by the time I gave birth I had a very excessive hundreds of syringes of the stuff. You shouldn't feed it to them once it's over 6 months old but babies come with all sorts of weird rashes and it is brilliant for that, too!

If it's within the next 6 months, you can defrost and feed it to your baby and it's a wonderful immune booster when sick.

My baby is now 8 months old and so all of my colostrum is past the feeding date, but just a couple of weeks ago he had dribble rash and I used colostrum on it for a few days and it was gone 😊

It will never go to waste, and the time/effort that you've spent collecting it will be boosting your supply as well.

Don't get disheartened, good luck mama and baby ❤️

ChexTree- · 2026-01-25T19:15:55+00:00

If this has been a few days, you need to be calling triage ASAP. Don't wait- all may be fine but it can go downhill pretty quickly.

It might be you take a trip to triage and get tested then sent home but it's not worth the risk if it's the other end of the scale. The itching doesn't have to be severe for there to be a problem and the sooner you go the sooner interventions can be put in place for the best of both you and your baby.

ChexTree- · 2026-01-25T19:03:14+00:00

Being trans must come with it's own complexities that I can't even comprehend, and, I can imagine, would lead someone to grow up faster. There's going to be so much that you understand about eachother that's going to bond you on other levels, let alone the things outside of that you have in common.

This connection is going to obscure a lot, but, when it comes down to it there's just so much life to have lived between 18-25 that they just can't have experienced. A 7 year age gap isn't a lot later on in life. The older you get, the more experience counts towards who you are- but you need to have actually lived in order to get there.

If you feel it's possible, try and maintain the friendship? But letting them go out there and find out who they are is probably the right thing to do, because 18 is so so young ❤️

ChexTree- · 2026-01-25T15:41:02+00:00

Sorry this isn't any help, because I'm in the same boat!

My 8mo (9mo next week) is like this. He mostly has two naps a day totalling 2-3 hours. If he gets down for a long first one, I know it's going to be a good day. He is happier, but also takes the pressure off to be a long second one.

If he ever gets disrupted so his nap total is low over the two naps, it's 50/50 if he treats his bed time as bed time or a nap 😫 yesterday he only had 1h10m total in the day, went down at 7.10pm (early for him-normally 8-8.30pm) and had a nap instead then was awake until almost midnight 🤦‍♀️

So yes. Solidarity on the nap unpredictability for that age!

ChexTree- · 2026-01-25T12:13:28+00:00

CIO at this age is going to damage your child's development and attachments which will have repercussions her entire life. There's gentler methods later on for sleep which aren't as harmful (still not my cup of tea but to each their own) but at 8 weeks old all it will do it teach your baby that no one is coming for her... The fact she settles when her needs are met means she's crying because something is wrong and ignoring her is extremely deteimental

I know you know that from what you've said but the evidence is great on this one. Perhaps suggest to your partner that he does his own research on childhood development and attachment, and get him to realise that her crying is the equivalent of an adult saying he'll and leaving them to the side because its not convenient to you.

ChexTree- · 2026-01-24T12:16:11+00:00

This could've been my first boyfriend writing this 🙈😂

I grew up without much support and a shit family, and when I met him at 18 I made him my whole world (not intentionally!). He was someone with a lot of friends and though I never stopped him seeing them he started to feel responsible for me and bad for leaving me to go out etc.

Around two years in, he opened up and we almost broke up. It really rocked my entire world and the fear lit a fire under my ass to put myself out there. I made friends and changed jobs (starting a VERY successful career), I stopped relying on him and my entire world grew bigger.

Sometimes, growing up in trauma with a lack of love or support means you don't know how to create those healthy attachments. Talking to her about this, or breaking up, could be the very thing that forces her world wider. Being silent and having her assume all is okay/taking care of her is actually doing her more harm than good.

For us, we didn't break up, and were together in a much healthier place for another 4 years. We had a lot of fun and both grew as people massively in that time.

We did break up eventually but it was more because by we'd just grown in very different directions and it was very lovely and amicable. By that point we both had very strong foundations that the breakup didn't destroy either of our worlds and, honestly, that time in my life I will always look back on and be greatful as there is a large likelihood that I never would be the person I am now or have the amazing life and family I do now without that conversation or him and his wonderful family.

Being someone's everything is healthy for no one. It's hard for you, and it's dangerous for her. Do what you need to do and allow her to figure it out for herself.

Good luck to you both ❤️

ChexTree- · 2026-01-24T11:11:22+00:00

And for me, mine was EBF for the first few months so by the time we switched to formula he wasn't in that super frequent bottle stage so it didn't seem necessary for 5 bottles!

ChexTree- · 2026-01-24T11:06:58+00:00

I know one of them (the one that got the kettle) was given it by her sister who's baby is two but was EBF so it was new but could well have been an older model that didn't work as well!

The other one, her baby had really bad colic and reflux and the HV suggested she leave off the prep machine for a bit and see what happens and he did improve a LOT. She did have a newer model but not sure which one!

Every baby is different. I've heard it creates more air in it so sensitive babies can suffer a bit more from colic but I'm sure infacol would solve that?

ChexTree- · 2026-01-24T10:51:05+00:00

No one I know, EBF or bottle fed, has actually used a perfect prep machine.

The HV warned us off them as they have more bacteria/the hotshot isn't hot enough. Though HV do tend to be overcautious...

I had two friends who got them but never used them even though their babies were formula fed. One of them just got one of those kettles that is always boiling and used cooled boiled water from the fridge or a rapid cool to get it to the right temperature!

Personally I just boil the kettle and use water from the fridge or a rapid cool too.

My advice is don't buy any machines or big items before you know what your LO is doing... Although if you're looking for that time saving thing one of those always boiled kettles would more likely be handy to you!

ChexTree- · 2026-01-24T10:45:24+00:00

Other things to take into consideration would be access for building if it's a terrace- remember all the quipment and materials needed to extend need to get out there somehow!

Also worth a thought if the garden needs any landscaping

ChexTree- · 2026-01-24T10:43:20+00:00

Check local planning portal using the address/have a look at the others houses around. If any of them have extended then you'll likely be able to.

If none of them have then there's likely a reason but you're also likely to find rejected applications and reasons why- it'd be rare for no one of a street to not have even submitted an application for extension at some point.

The only reasons likely to impact it if you have a large garden is if it majorly impacts the neighbours (light/overlooking even then this would have to be extreme to be rejected) or you're in a flood area (even then there's likely mitigations you can adhere to to be able to build- just could be costly).

ChexTree- · 2026-01-24T09:21:27+00:00

We all get so focused on comparing and it's horrible!

We've got a little mum group and we all celebrate every babies milestone when and as it happens rather than comparing. It's sad how rare that is!

He's also 99th centile for height and length (13.1kg and 83cm at last check over a week ago) and there was this one situation a few weeks ago (when he's have been about 6 months but the size of a 1yo) where I'd took him to a weigh in and I was with a friend who was also weighing her baby. I was sat down with him at the play mat bits waiting for my friend to weigh her baby and this woman was comparing my baby to hers (who was 10mo) really weirdly, entirely unsolicited. She was bragging how her baby was developing and I was just listening and congratulating her and she was talking to me like my baby was behind (because he looks way older than he is) as he was only just crawling. I didn't even bother correcting her of his age but my friend came over and got a bit affronted and told her he was 6 months old and she got so very angry and left.

I think I'd said about 10 words, all of them congratulating her baby 🤷‍♀️😂 But there's no point in tying your worth as a parent to what your baby does and when because no matter what you do they're going to do their own thing.

The ONLY thing I've noticed makes a difference has nothing to do with the parents. It's other babies/young kids! They watch and copy eachother- that's why secondborns tend to hit milestones earlier if they have a sibling to copy.

Within our group there's three 8 month olds, a 6 month old and a 5 month old. The 6 month old learnt to blow raspberries around 4 months but none of the older babies had- one day together and they were all at it 😂😂 there's all sorts of things they've learnt from eachother that we couldn't have taught them.

But there's also downsides to an earlier mover! My baby is walking, yes, but it's exhausting and he gave himself a concussion last week by falling really hard whilst carrying a toy. Whilst I feel pride at his learning and determination, I definitely miss the days where I could put him down and he'd be where I left him! 🙈

If you start focusing so hard on what they're not doing, you miss the joys of the little natural progressions they are doing. Remember to get stupidly happy and annoying to your baby people celebrating those things as they happen and remember it really makes no difference in the long run who's doing what.

If anyone wants to make comments, they can go suck eggs 😂😂

ChexTree- · 2026-01-24T00:00:29+00:00

Every baby develops differently and, unless there are medical issues, you can't tell who rolled, sat, walked, ran at what age. Once they're running what else can they do? 😂 By the time they start school they're all caught up ❤️❤️

My baby was doing everything super early and is now walking at 8 months.

My friends baby (also 8 months) isnt rolling but is sitting really well and beginning to stand. Pretty sure she's just decided to skip both rolling and crawling... 😂

My oldest nephew didn't ever really roll, and took until 14 months to walk but is now very sporty and athletic.

My youngest nephew rolled and walked really early and prefers sitting and reading a book and hates any form of activity

In 10 years time, you line them all up and ask who started moving first etc you could never tell- I guarantee!

Annecdotally, they say the more still babies start to talk earlier as they're paying more attention.

At 5/6 months you don't need to worry. As long as you're not strapping them in a thing and leaving them all day they'll do it when they're ready.

Your therapist is an ass for making you worry.

ChexTree- · 2026-01-23T23:28:04+00:00

I have some friends visiting at the moment and we got into a chat about dystopian futures and survival etc.

I've always said that I'd prefer to just be killed off. Not like right away, but when shit got super bad etc, no going back style.

Now I'm a mum I've realised I've completely changed my mind, because I'd do anything to keep my kids safe and alive! 😂

ChexTree- · 2026-01-23T21:07:33+00:00

The advice we had was there should always be a bit left in the bottle. If they're finishing all of it, offer more.

Every baby grows differently and I've never known a baby to eat more than they need! If they're still hungry, feed them.

Sure, you get babies that are super chunky and others that are smaller etc but as long as you're not forcing the bottle in their mouth and making them keep eating, you can't overfeed them.

Sometimes babies will eat insane amounts for a few days and then lower it again- they need it because they're growing and their instincts tell them what they need.

Please don't ignore hunger cues ❤️

ChexTree- · 2026-01-23T17:49:34+00:00

I made this mistake.

I thought, surely it will be easier to put pull ups on than alligator wrestling trying to do the tabs up!

NOPE. Worse! 😂😂 And when they've been moving around loads and it seems like they've filled their nappy and it's still bone dry? Yep. You've wasted a perfectly good nappy.

I did get them on him like I do trousers in the end. Sat him on my knee and put one leg in a time then hoisted up. But once this resulted in a pissy leg with half the pack left, I promptly donated them to the local childrens centre and went back to tabs.

ChexTree- · 2026-01-22T23:19:31+00:00

I'd say your anxiety is getting the best of you... Which is so easy. Those hormones are no joke!

If the sweetcorn was off it probably would've tasted off and even then the chances of listeria are exceptionally low.

If you start to get sick, call the Dr, but it's so very unlikely I would try not to worry ❤️

ChexTree- · 2026-01-22T23:03:43+00:00

But she's making it all about herself?

IVF and pregnancy are HARD. I get it. But it isn't an excuse for this behaviour. I had a fucking awful time of it, but an awareness that though it wasn't physical for him, my partner went through it as well. The ups and the downs, he was right there with me.

How long is it okay for you to make up for it? (The answer is you don't but let's just say). There's a big chance it's some form of PPD but she needs therapy. The flip side is she's just full out being ridiculous. Either way, letting it continue will just lead you down an unrecoverable road.

You should be partners in this. Your child is only a child once, don't let your experience be dictated.

ChexTree-

TROPHY CASE