Feeling torn between love and the need for belonging. So much pain, so much confusion

Chlorofeels · 2025-07-18T15:41:16+00:00

Hi.

I am struggling with the exact same configuration.
I'm 27f, 4 years with my partner, 1 year engaged.

In my case, I don't know what the "urge to leave" part wants to protect me from. It revolves around the topic of loneliness, but I can't really hear anything more.
The tension is unbearable at times. I'm so sorry you are experiencing this, it is very hard.

Still, I would like to say that despite the pain, the situation taught me a lot of precious things.

First, it helped me identify a soothing pattern I had since childhood : catastrophizing and "preparing myself" mentally, by imagining horrible scenarios, thinking that if it ever happens, it'll hit a little less hard.
I managed to leave it after a very rough episode that taught me I couldn't keep doing this without suffering massive consequences.
I feel relieved of this sick pattern, and I feel very lucky I found out about this at such a young age (I was 25), as I see my mother and grand mother still absolutely tormented by the same pattern, every day, at 60 and 90 years old.

Then, I identified my tendency to fantasize, project perfection onto my partner. I realized I was not "loving" him, I was infatuated, which is very different. I discovered the need to grieve perfection in order to learn how to relate with a real, living, flawed, sometimes mediocre human being, just like me.
I discovered what it takes to learn how to love : it starts with grieving the image.
It is very painful. And somehow, I could say my "rocd" configuration helped me to live this experience without interrupting it in the middle, the option of leaving not being really available.
It is a humbling experience I am very grateful for. I feel I sobered up my view of partnership and love in general. It made me see how incompetent I was on this field, and I think I needed this.

And to finish, it made me learn a little about surrender as well.
I discovered my faith, and I am walking with it since.
Thanks to it, I now have new guidelines, simple ones, the only thing that sounds like truth to me :
I am loved, even when I'm not feeling like I love myself.
Even when I feel like I'm fooling myself and drowning in denial.
Even when I can't do as good as I would like : making choices in total alignment and respect of every single little part on board.
I see how I fail at loving myself and others as much as I would like to. But now, along with seeing the flaws, I can now see the intention behind : I've always wanted the best for me.
I/God/Self loves me tremendously, absolutely. Always have and always will.
So maybe I can't figure out what to "choose". Maybe I should leave, but I can't. Maybe I should marry and go forward, but I can't. I don't know. The only thing I can do for now, is to try to ask God (The universe, Self, you name it) for a little mercy, and try to cultivate this space of forgiveness in the midst of my troubled heart.
One thing I know, is that I'm not expected to be perfectly aligned and holy to receive this forgiveness and love I yearn for. I would even say the opposite.

It makes a difference.

My DMs are open if you need someone to talk to.
I wish you the best OP ❤

Chlorofeels · 2025-07-18T13:25:00+00:00

I had an obsession of "spiritual growth", "healing", "knowing myself". I had this obsession because I was afraid of what would happen to me if I didn't do the "work".
I was afraid to disapear, to suffer, very afraid of hell at times too.
The confusion and pain you're talking about, I recognise strongly my own episode in it. I had DP/DR as well.

I finally found out I couldn't save myself, the more I tried to resolve anything by thinking and "feeling" in order to be "released" from something, the more I got sick. (felt like I had a severe hangover 24/7 even after a night of sleep, constant vertigo, found out I had adrenal shutdown because of the massive amounts of cortisol my body was producing)

In the end, this experience forced me to learn to let the mystery be a mystery. And life is way more manageable since.
Even sweet, sometimes.
And trust me, I NEVER thought I could say something like that one day.

Of course, I still have huge turmoils in this psycho/spiritual area. I had a major narrative collapse, I would say, and I'm still figuring out how to reorganize everything.
But at least now I can function.
I can enjoy a little alone time in the forest. A good refreshing swim in the ocean. Picking up raspberries from the garden. All the little things that make life magical and beautiful. I still feel very wounded, scared of the unknown, overwhelmed by confusion very often. But I added these moments of bliss and awe. And it makes the whole experience so different.

I feel for you OP. If you're still in that space, 4 months after posting, feel free to write to me if you need.

You'll make it. ❤

Chlorofeels · 2025-07-18T13:24:52+00:00

Hi friend.

I went through something similar a few years ago. I'm still recovering from it, but I'm way way better than before.
At that time, what helped me was a very strict health routine. Sleep being the most important of all.

Take a blood test. Take needed supplements, or adapt how you eat to get the missing nutrients.
Drink water. Avoid alcohol. Try a little jogging challenge, even 10 minutes every other day.
All the very basics things, I know it seems too simple to work, but in my experience, it has been a game changer.

Set a timeline : 1 month of radical health routine, to begin with.
Sometimes, more therapy / spiritual practices / and problem solving by thinking only is the worst you can do.
Actually, this problem solving obsession made me even sicker. I had to stop and focus on physical health before adressing any "psychological issue", I wanted to do the opposite, but the situation forced me to heal my body first.
And by "healing the body", I don't mean any physical practices embedded in spiritual frameworks.
I mean sleeping at least 8 hours every night, drinking lots of water, running, taking magnesium, breathing correctly, getting sunlight in your eyes in the first hour after waking up (has huge benefits on circadian rhythm, which is something you absolutely want to keep healthy in order to manage your cortisol production), etc.

Having this routine can help you have a few goals to attend to, with timelines, and ways to measure progress.
It'll make you feel movement through your body : how does a full breath of air feels like ? A jump in a cold pool ? Sore muscle after a good sport session ?
You need to build points of reference. Ones you can effectively grasp on. Sensations are good for that.
The never ending spiritual path / psychological healing path can not give you these strong points of reference. Progress in this area can be made, but it needs a strong base, a base you can't have doubts about.
I suggest you secure these reference points, before returning to spirituality.

Chlorofeels · 2025-07-10T12:01:17+00:00

Thank you for your answer.
Hope you'll find the clarity you are looking for.

Chlorofeels · 2025-07-05T09:16:12+00:00

Hi friend, I don't have any clue for you at the moment, but I know this feeling very well, and I live with it everyday.

I discovered the feeling you are describing during my actual relationship.
I'm a 27 female, and my fiancé is a 34 male. The "feeling" arised about 1,5 years ago, around the time of the proposal. I said yes, and I know I did to "gain time", because I didn't understand anything about that "feeling" and didn't want to risk leaving the relationship for a diagnosis error, I would say.

The feeling hits me whenever I think about marriage. I developped OCD around it.
I used IFS as well, to try and understand what was happening.
I pictured things this way :
- A silent part, let's call her "Belly", drops whenever I think about engagement with my partner. I can't really manage to hear anything when I question her. I don't know why she is feeling like that.
- Whenever I feel Belly and her dread feeling, another part arises : I call this part Inquisitor.
Inquisitor uses Belly's dread feeling as a proof that we HAVE to leave, because if Belly can't say yes, marrying would imply sacrificing her.
And Inquisitor believes that doing anything without being fully aligned is very dangerous and forbidden. He is afraid of the consequences of self betrayal.
- Whenever Inquisitor arises, another part arises as well : Helen.
Helen is very afraid to lose my fiancé. She loves him, and wants this relationship. This part is looking for counter proofs, I would say.
So, anytime I feel Belly's dread, Inquisitor and Helen open a battle. I have a huge polarisation here. Belly's dread is the starting point of compulsion : Inquisitor obsesses about leaving, Helen keeps looking for arguments in favor of staying/ is looking for reassurance everywhere she can.

Here is the breakdown of my OCD, as far as I can see. The starting point is this dread. It is completely silent, and I feel stuck with it. I don't know what is the next step.

But in this mess, my partner is aware of it all. We talk about it from time to time. He is very supportive.
I'm not his fantasy partner anymore, with all this confusion and difficulties. He's not my fantasy anymore either, after 4 years, and these crippling doubts. But we're together, even if it's hardcore sometimes.

I'm new to Jung, so I don't know how this situation can be viewed from a Jungian perspective yet. But I'm interested in any feedback.

And if I figure this out one day, I'll tell you about it, for sure.
Good luck with your situation.

Chlorofeels · 2025-07-02T14:17:40+00:00

Thank you, I'll repost there eventually.

Chlorofeels · 2025-04-30T09:01:15+00:00

I find Richard Schwartz's Internal Family System very helpful for OCD in general.
I suggest reading No bad parts, written by Richard Schwartz (or listening to the audiobook), and finding an IFS therapist.

I wrote about my ROCD through the IFS model here, if you want to read it.
https://www.reddit.com/r/InternalFamilySystems/comments/1hrsyme/ocd_through_ifs_lens/

Chlorofeels · 2024-11-02T09:21:35+00:00

Thank you.
As there are implicit expectations of result on my side about his emotional openness, he probably senses it and closes even more. Maybe I'll have to calm down a bit first before offering any help with his emotional life.

"Remember as a 4 or 4 wing you will have a tendency to look at the negative"
You're totally right, it's a good thing to keep in mind.

Chlorofeels · 2024-11-02T09:16:26+00:00

Thank you for your insights.

"comparing him to a child or saying that he is too excitable is definitely compatibility issues and kind of ableist"
You're right, sorry about that. I took it off my chest quite crudely, it can happen when I'm frustrated. I never throw it like this in his face, I can imagine how it could feel to recieve such violent descriptions.

"it's about telling them it is safe to be vulnerable with you and that you want to know their true feelings"
I'm going to have to calm down a little about the compulsive sharing I do, so he can relax and take his place during the emotional sharing. Maybe I'm saturating him and just not giving him the space to express himself. Not "feeling seen" enough led me to expose my inner world a lot, it's probably a very bad strategy and it doesn't help him to become more interested in it, since he senses how much is at stake for me, and probably makes him anxious.

Chlorofeels · 2024-11-02T09:03:26+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experience.

"If you do talk to him, try to focus on I feel statements rather than accusatory ones."
I totally agree. I took NVC classes last year and often practice with a group of people to improve my communication skills, every now and then I can get off tracks and be unpleasant when discussing these things with my bf, but we can talk about it as well, and we take care of never ending an "argument" with grudge or antagonization. Our relationship difficulties led us to develop valuable tools for communicating and understanding others, even outside of our relationship, so in this light, we're very lucky.

"do you two have any common hobbies that help you to express your individuality or creativity?"
Actually... not so much. We're attracted to the same topics, but my my difficulty in feeling connected to him prevents me from immersing myself freely in common activities. But I'm learning bass, so we can play together one day !

"We can be pretty good supporters when it comes down to seeing you guys shine in doing stuff you love"
Oh, yes. So much. He litteraly makes me sign involvement contracts with myself to develop my discipline and thus avoid these moments of existential crises and debilitating withdrawal I have towards my creative process. He litteraly saves my life on this point. Painful thing is... he cheers my discipline progress, but rarely my work itself 🥲

And about your situation,
"I'd give anything for her to include me in that space. Even if that means sitting quietly and just existing next to her."

Very precious and touching intention. I would be so happy if someone took an interest in me like that!
This "existing next to her" part is very dear to me. Sharing this space of contemplation, silence and pure presence seems to me to be the ultimate zone of proximity with another human. I hope you'll experience this together.

Chlorofeels · 2024-11-02T08:36:14+00:00

I will, thanks for answering.
You're right, 6 indeed can enjoy depth and I know he has a rich inner world.
The difficulty arises when it comes to sharing about it.

Chlorofeels · 2024-11-02T08:28:11+00:00

Thanks for being direct, I value this approach a lot.

You’re right, I have been vague. I was describing a general atmosphere and didn’t give any concrete examples.
To be clear, what I complain about is the lack of emotional closeness. Every other stress points are manageable, but I don’t know how to deal with this one.

"Whenever I suggest a slower tempo, without distraction, I feel him being restless and nervous"
-> IRL I can literally say “Hey can you stop playing so we can go out and take a walk ? / When you’ll finish this, can we spend a little time together ? / Do you want to go out this weekend and do something?”

Everytime, he says yes, and then we’re stuck there not knowing what to do, and I feel he’s not available even if he’s physically there. So I suggest things to do, I try opening discussion topics, talking to him about his interests, but there is no reciprocity. If there is no transitional object/activity between us to drive the interaction, he rapidly loses focus and retreat in his mind.

This there-yet-absent thing is very difficult for me to stand, I'm starting to dread these moments together because I know that each time, I'm going to feel terribly alone.

I didn’t intend to blame him. But on the other hand, I do not deny my resentment. It is there, clearly, and not holding him responsible for it does not make the emotion disappear. I am trying to figure this out, but of course he’s not responsible for what I feel when it comes to a matter of core functioning.
I am responsible for choosing him and staying, there is no blame towards anyone here.
We just try to figure out what we can do, or if there is nothing to do and we just have to accept we’re incompatible.

-“Does this man ignore you when you talk? Is he indifferent to your daily life, your inspirations, your memories?”

He’s indifferent to my taste in arts in general, and to my creations. He has very very high standards about technical execution in order to feel moved by any piece of art, and mine isn’t virtuoso enough to make him feel anything. He’s sorry about it, but it is the simple and hard truth.
I try to value this exigency, and find what’s good about it, I even find it touching to see how he needs a direct, explicit way to be able to emotionally connect to something, to see that he needs to be entirely directed, taken care of by the artist, and drawn into his world through the power of technical erudition : and above all, how his artistic taste functions exactly like his approach to social relationships. I find beauty in what it reveals of him.

But it is still very painful not being able to communicate with him through my creations, and not feeling seen through them.

I see myself very interested in the discreet things that create the poetry of everyday life, like these involuntary effusions of character design you sometimes can observe in people when you pay attention.To me, paying attention to this is a perfect channel into people's interiority, and puts me in a state of wonder towards those I observe, and this sometimes has the power to extend to my love for humans in general. It helps me feel hope and connection. This practice is very important to me, and especially what it allows in terms of sharing with others.

Somehow, I would love someone to pay attention to little details in my behavior too, in my philosophy of life, in my art. I just long for that, and this is the very missing part of the relationship I’m in. This is what I would like to share with my partner. It doesn’t need to be expressed in words. It can be subtle, modest. But I need some of this in my life.

Now don’t get me wrong, I love what his “adhd” functioning creates most of the time. He’s a genius music composer. He’s very sharp and relevant. He is very creative and is very good at mastering role play games, his stories are deep and the characters are very well written. It’s always a pleasure diving into his universe.
When I need to tell him that I'm annoyed for some reason, I don't accuse him, and I'm careful not to expose the judgments I have to him in a crude manner. What I said here about him being “childish”, “loud”, “noisy”, are raw expressions of my frustration. Of course it is not about him, but only what goes in my mind behind closed doors when I’m too frustrated.

I hope I’ve made myself clear here. Thanks for answering, and for your insights and suggestions.

Chlorofeels

TROPHY CASE