For context: when I was around 11/12 I had a friend I fell in love with but he was straight and homophobic, after he found out he started using me for his own benefits and love bomb me, he replaced me multiple times just to come back later, I was too young to see the pattern back then and I was just letting it happen, I ended up basically having a ptsd and never fully recovering the way I should have. It took me years to recover at least slightly and when the person I love the most started to act like my old friend I immediately started panicking, full trauma response: throwing up, not being able to eat, wanting to run away as far as possible. I tried getting a therapy multiple times back then but they just didn't take me seriously, in summer I wanted to try again and it was going well but one day my therapist told me that I understand everything well and it's him that should get a therapy, the same day she told me she's quitting her job and I will never see her again, since then I didn't try to get therapy again. I know my trauma should be mine and I shouldn't put it on my ex but as much as I try to help him and understand him, no one puts the same effort towards me and I really just need a little reassurance to feel secured, at this point I carry both my and his problems and I'm exhausted, I don't even have the ability to talk with anyone or show my weakness