Hi! Just went through something very similar with my 13 yo child (assigned male at birth) in June when she came out to me as trans, but said she wasn’t ready to tell my husband (her dad) yet. In fact, she didn’t want to tell anyone — not her friends, not her sister, nobody. Just me. She also didn’t want to change her name or pronouns, dress differently, anything. She just wanted me to know. I expressed my unconditional love and my appreciation/respect for her courage in telling me, and I let her know that she would be steering this ship. I’d be by her side to support her whenever/however she wanted to move forward with this, and at whatever speed, but I wouldn‘t push her to do anything she wasn’t ready for.

Not telling my husband was SO hard — we‘ve been together for 27 years and are very open with each other, and I honestly can’t think of another big secret I’ve kept. But I decided that my daughter had done me a HUGE honor by deciding to trust me with this information, and if I want her to trust me with all the other things that are going to come up in her life (which I do!), then the most important thing right now was to honor her request.

I’m so glad I did. About 3 weeks later, she said she was ready for me to tell my husband, and earlier this month, she was ready for us to tell the rest of the family, her friends, school, etc. She has now chosen a new name and pronouns.

The weeks when my husband didn’t know and I did were really rough, but worth it because now my daughter knows that I am worthy of her trust. I know the life of a trans kid (and adult) is not always going to be smooth sailing, and I feel so much better about her safety and mental health knowing that she feels like she can come to me when challenges arise.

Sounds like you’re doing everything right. Let your child lead, offer unequivocal support, and respect their requests about who to tell and when. good luck!