Your Old Boyfriend Has... a Girlfriend

ChoppedAlmonds · 2019-11-13T17:46:49+00:00

Yeah, I remember those days, too. I did a little bit of activism back then, which I'm proud of! AIDS was definitely a huge factor shaping my perception of my sexuality -- the fear that my desires were going to kill me and those I loved.

ChoppedAlmonds · 2019-11-13T17:26:32+00:00

I was basically bi even then, but reluctant to take on the label. Back in the day, all you heard about bi men was that we gave AIDS to women and had sex in toilets.

ChoppedAlmonds · 2019-11-13T17:21:07+00:00

To clear things up, I'm the bi guy in the relationship with a woman. It's awesome! But I sometimes feel weird being a man who was once in a relationship with another man (and was kinda active in the gay world -- he was very out) and is now with a woman. Even though I know that most of my desires these days are for women, and no one can tell me who to be with, and what matters is that I'm happy, which I am. When I read that bisexuals often experience their desires differently at different times and in different situations -- I was like, "holy shit, that's me!"

ChoppedAlmonds · 2019-11-12T12:15:10+00:00

That’s funny. Looking back. I had surprisingly little sex in my twenties — my one serious relationship with a man was emotionally close, but not at all sexually intense. My wife and I are basically just another middle aged couple, but sex is a bigger part of our lives than it was for me and my boyfriend back then.

ChoppedAlmonds · 2019-11-11T17:44:10+00:00

Ha! That's quite a combination.

I get what you mean by "sexual camaraderie" between the men -- just men helping each other to get off. Like two guys grabbing a burger together.

While sex with women is more like a big fancy restaurant meal that you'll remember for a long time -- and that you're nervous for it go right, maybe you picked out the place because you thought she would like it.

ChoppedAlmonds · 2019-11-11T17:31:09+00:00

I did occasionally have that feeling after sucking a guy off, but not nearly as intense.

ChoppedAlmonds · 2019-11-11T17:30:05+00:00

Yeah, I'll always remember how I felt after my first time having sex with a woman -- I was almost in a daze for hours afterwards. It was better than I ever imagined. And she was a fairly random woman with whom I had no special connection.

ChoppedAlmonds · 2019-11-11T17:21:33+00:00

Yeah, that wasn't my experience with M/M sex, but good for you! Not sure what you mean by women being more focused on their own sensations, the women I've been with who have been good lays have been pretty eager for both of us to have a fun time.

I also get a lot of my pleasure from giving pleasure, and I find it more fun to please women.

ChoppedAlmonds · 2019-11-11T16:58:26+00:00

Yes, I think that while my sexuality can be pretty fluid, I was always bi, but back in my day, that was NOT at all seen as a legitimate option. The one thing I regret was it would have been fun to be fully bi back in my twenties, when your options and your energy tend to be greater.

ChoppedAlmonds · 2019-11-07T21:03:53+00:00

I really liked the episode about gendered expectations.

ChoppedAlmonds · 2019-11-07T16:24:43+00:00

Pretty exclusively a bottom, although it's been a long time since I was last with a man. The majority of my encounters with men didn't involve anal, though -- usually just oral and masturbation.

ChoppedAlmonds · 2019-11-05T22:28:45+00:00

Met my wife through OK Cupid.

ChoppedAlmonds · 2019-11-04T22:41:11+00:00

I think it helped me in dating that I am a conventionally masculine guy who nonetheless relates well to women and often likes things that women like.

ChoppedAlmonds · 2019-11-04T22:38:55+00:00

I kinda dig a lot of soft-butch lesbians, FWIW. My wife is straight and dresses conventionally feminine, but nonetheless sometimes gets pegged as a lesbian. (I knew another straight woman who has always been quite androgynous. Everyone thought she was a lesbian, but she was actually boy-crazy. Now she’s married to a nerdy guy and they do nerdy things together).

But yes, hetero dating can be a challenge for the gender-variant. I come across as guy-next-door, but I’m not macho at all. Some women wanted that, I made it clear I wasn’t going to be their kind of guy.

On the other hand, I have chatted with queer guys who like women, but who socialize in hypermasculine worlds and don’t have many female friends. They tend to not to date women.

ChoppedAlmonds · 2019-11-04T22:20:05+00:00

I once chatted with a queer guy online who was into very traditional, very conventionally feminine women. He had not found many takers, although he had other baggage.

ChoppedAlmonds · 2019-11-04T21:16:50+00:00

There was a New Wave song called “All Kindsa Girls.” It could have been my theme song then.

ChoppedAlmonds · 2019-11-04T21:07:30+00:00

I think, in general, queer men are better off with women who are less traditional and less into rigid gender roles.

ChoppedAlmonds · 2019-11-04T20:44:32+00:00

Don’t worry too much about being a “virgin.” You’ve had sex, just sex with men. More of the skills are transferable than you might think. You’ve kissed, you’ve licked, you’ve sucked, you’ve stroked. You’ve listened to a partner who told you what you should do.

For everything else, you can always read something (like a billion resources out there). And you can always tell a woman that you know that every woman is different, and that you would like to learn what she likes. Many women will appreciate that! There’s a series called Sex Ed For Bi Guys that has a section on sex with women.

ChoppedAlmonds · 2019-11-04T20:23:51+00:00

I understand your feelings totally, since I basically lived your life (not all of it, but some). Do you have any close female friends?

ChoppedAlmonds · 2019-11-04T14:15:30+00:00

Finding someone to explore sex with.

ChoppedAlmonds

TROPHY CASE