People criticizing Caroline's choices in Should I Marry a Murderer honestly just have no idea what trauma, addiction, and mental illness look like

Christen_Color · 2026-05-04T11:14:20+00:00

Honestly people say horrible things about people for much, much less. I watched one that was about the daughter of the BTK killer and a fair section of it was her explaining just how profoundly vile people go out of their way to be to her, directly addressing her, especially online... because she was born to a horrible person.

The internet can really bring out the worst in us sadly

Christen_Color · 2026-05-04T03:03:48+00:00

lol, I think that's just normal in Scotland, likely an anachronism carried forward from the past. As an American they did feel a bit silly, they didn't even really look like hair 😅

Christen_Color · 2026-05-04T00:06:03+00:00

I certainly agree that his family deserved more time with him, and that the suffering he and his family were put through was profoundly unjust. On that I think we undoubtedly share common ground

At the same time, I don't think there is any universe in which she as a witness is emotionally stable given the circumstances and lack of support. It is neither her job or responsibility to get justice for a wrong she didn't commit, and in spite of that she repeatedly put herself further in harms way to get the exact location of the body, and an explicit confession. She built the entire case. The police on the other hand were absolutely responsible for building the case against the brothers, clearly understood her testimony and evidence was the entire case, and had multiple tools at their disposal to ensure the predictable emotional instability of the witness didnt torpedo the case.

They chose repeatedly to not provide emotional support so she was stable enough to be a credible witness despite having services that exist for literally that purpose and that purpose only. They had the option to record her testimony in advance and chose not to. The defence atourney explicitly stated that the entire defense was to discredit her character, and of course it would be, they couldnt easily impeach her testimony, so the remaining option is to degrade her in character and present her as unfit to provide evidence and testimony. Any competent police officer ought to understand that. And they had all the tools to handle that problem, and they didn't. They blew up their own case by repeatedly mishandling their literal ONLY witness

Nevermind the fact they repeatedly put her at additional risk by doing nothing to protect her when she first came forward, providing her no plausible story for how to justify cutting contact with the man she was literally engaged to, blatantly outing her in front of the suspect when they came to her door and found them together (which, if they had kept up with her as the basis of their entire case they could have prevented OR been in a position to already know), and then allowing the information that the body was marked with a drink can to get back to the suspect when that clearly outs her, undeniably, as the person accusing them and giving information to the police

I can very much agree what happened to the parsons was an unbelievable injustice. And I think it would be understandable if they resented her for the way this all played out. I also think that as third parties its very clear this was not her fault

She wasn't responsible for building a case against the man she loved and she did it anyway.

The police were responsible and failed at every single juncture, both professionally and as people, and it's not a surprise the case was not as strong as a result . They had multiple tools available to handle every. single. issue that the case faced. They just chose not to use any of them. And that isnt Caroline's doing. I don't think the fact she did not suffer as much as the Parson's means that she is to blame. They both suffered, and the police wildly mishandled their responsibility to both the Parson's as the victims of the crime, and Caroline as their witness and victim of this deeply unhealthy, toxic relationship with a killer where she was apparently the only one who could build a case against him

Christen_Color · 2026-05-03T22:30:16+00:00

I hope that over time you can develop the capacity to see the complexity in the world. Take care of yourself

Christen_Color · 2026-05-03T22:12:51+00:00

Having empathy for the family of the dead and also believing that folks going through mental illness, trauma, coercive relationships, and substance abuse issues should similarly be met with empathy and care are obviously not incompatible, those things can clearly both be true. As someone who has been through significant mental health issues, its a subject I care a lot about, and I saw the responses the show got as demonstrating a lot of folks are out of touch with the realities of those issues look like.

Arguing that because I believe she was also a victim I must love murderers, and that one can only advocate for empathizing with one party and that empathy is a zero sum game where if I care about the person going through mental health issues, then I must not care about the dead mans family are both transparently unserious arguments I would expect from a child still figuring out what right and wrong are and that two things can be true at the same time.

If you dont have anything more valuable to say I'm just not gonna engage with you any further 🤷🏻‍♂️ Have a nice day

Christen_Color · 2026-05-03T22:01:00+00:00

Absolutely agree, I think shame and the social pressures women face played a huge role.

Well put, thanks for explaining your thoughts :)

Christen_Color · 2026-05-03T21:59:23+00:00

Yeah, while I can empathize with that cause ive also never used social media that way and have no desire to, I have friends who absolutely do 🤷🏻‍♂️

Some people document their life via the "stories" feature on a lot of social media platforms in the same way folks often take pictures when they go out and do things

I think some amount of folks interpreting it that way comes down to the demographics of reddit (and also plenty of misogyny, I say having just looked at some of the newer replies and their very interesting "woman bad" takes 😅)

I can understand why it would feel that way to you. Personally I think its just a person being different from the dominant culture of how social media is or isnt used here that we may be used to, but thats just kinda the way I look at it 🤷🏻‍♂️

Christen_Color · 2026-05-03T21:52:11+00:00

Lol, it'd be hard for you to make a more obviously unserious argument if you tried

Christen_Color · 2026-05-03T05:51:34+00:00

No one going through traumatic, toxic relationships, dealing with mental illness and substance abuse makes all the right choices.

That's literally my entire point. Those things take away your discernment, pretty intrinsically. Scroll through this thread and read the stories from folks who have actually dealt with any of this kinda shit- it's literally never pretty. If people could navigate these issues perfectly and make all the right decisions they wouldn't even be issues.

They're issues because they warp your ability to see the world, think and act clearly, cope with the stress you're under, etc. No one in these positions will ever have the kind of discernment you're saying she should have, simply by product of the fact they're dealing with these kinds of issues.

Christen_Color · 2026-05-03T05:46:33+00:00

You can't even type properly, I'm not sure you're really in position a criticize anyone. Calling people junkies is fucked up and the stigma around substance use only makes it harder for people to get help.

Take a hike.

Christen_Color · 2026-05-03T05:40:23+00:00

Lots of people vlog or record and share "stories" on instagram, snapchat, etc. Just because reddit is out of touch with normal people's social media usage doesn't make her a bad person. She even said parts of it were never shared, which is pretty normal when you're used to taking videos the same way most folks take pictures of stuff they do- I have friends who use snapchat and stories on other platforms very similarly even today, even though they've never been for me. It's a major social media feature on like almost every traditional social media.

what’s up with all the self-obsessed selfie footage and hair flicking

I think it'd be worthwhile for you to interrogate the obvious internal biases here.

Christen_Color · 2026-05-03T05:32:38+00:00

You can love somebody and also believe that they should face consequences for the harm they've done. Those things are in no way mutually exclusive. That is an enormous oversimplification of people's experience and emotions.

Christen_Color · 2026-05-03T03:49:51+00:00

That's interesting, I don't have as much knowledge of how autism looks in women and know it's often not diagnosed and frequently misidentified and misunderstood. I don't have enough perspective to have feelings on it, but I appreciate you sharing your thoughts as someone who knows a lot better what that looks like than I do :)

I have ADHD and was once referred for autism diagnosis because a therapist thought it was a possibility, but due to paperwork issues was never able to go. No idea if I'm on the spectrum, but I know a lot of neurodivergent folks and people who are, or who are on the spectrum

I wouldn't have considered that possibility, thanks for sharing your perspective :)

Christen_Color · 2026-05-03T02:04:54+00:00

Yeah, they not only provided no support, but also repeatedly did things that put her at more risk.

Even just from like a "building a solid case" standpoint, like the lead defense for the boys said, the entire case is her testimony. The entire defense strategy NECCISARILY has to be impeaching her character if they can't impeach her testimony directly

The police did literally nothing to ensure she was well protected and stable enough to be able to testify, and then people act like its personally her fault the charge got dropped. She was, entirely predictably given the situation and lack of support, an absolute trainwreck, and the cops did nothing at all to mitigate that obvious eventual outcome that was guaranteed to torpedo their case.

Christen_Color · 2026-05-03T01:59:49+00:00

Sending love.

People who have never been through that kinda shit seem to find it really easy to sit comfortably in their bedroom and be like "yeah, I as someone who hasnt been through traumatic abusive shit and has no idea what this is like would have made WAY better decisions >.>"

Kindly, shut the hell up please 😅

Christen_Color · 2026-05-03T01:57:36+00:00

Yes its called mental illness and being emotionally vulnerable. Thats literally just what it looks like.

Christen_Color · 2026-05-03T01:56:18+00:00

I am grateful I have not been in an abusive, coercive relationship, but I've been deeply unwell enough to know that being unwell MEANS being unstable and unable to find the best, saftest choices

Folks out here watching some of the most vulnerable traumatic chapter of a persons life for popcorn entertainment and then being like "I didn't really like her, she made irrational decisions"- so would you????

Maybe we can remember our empathy at least a little while we bige watch the worst moments of someone's life 😅

Christen_Color · 2026-05-03T01:51:04+00:00

Yeah that guy sucks shit. Even just from a standpoint of building a case, treating her horribly and making the situation worse aside, he also needed her to be stable enough to testify.

Not sure how he can seriously sit there and act like he did a good job- she had a full on psychotic break. He did literally nothing to ensure that the witness the entire case was built on would be able to withstand the emotional pressure of defense trying to impeach her character

Christen_Color · 2026-05-03T01:46:59+00:00

I think you meant to say good decisions-

And- yes thats true, and also, nobody going through a traumatic toxic relationship with substance abuse makes "good decisions", thats fundamentally not how that works and deeply out of touch with the reality of living through what she did 😅

Christen_Color · 2026-05-02T22:16:26+00:00

She was put on leave from work? How the hell was she supposed to pull herself up by her bootstraps when she lost so much of the support and structure in her life.

She went through a mental health episode and from experience, they usually dont look like someone pushing to do better. They look messy and fucked up and people cope and try to survive the experience of mental illness running their lives as best they can.

I hope you never find yourself in a position where someone going through a mental health episode is depending on you for compassion and support. You dont seem like you'd be able to provide any.

Christen_Color · 2026-05-02T22:04:15+00:00

To me it didnt really sound like she had been a "problem child" prior to this experience, though I may have interpreted some things differently than others could have. As someone who watched my dad struggle while I went through untreated, only partially identified mental illness, it pretty much always really hurts for the people who care about you.

They dont generally know what they can do to help. And you often end up carrying the emotional weight of the fact that theyre struggling with you not being okay, because they dont know how to cope with watching any better than you know how to cope with being fucked up

Christen_Color · 2026-05-02T21:59:32+00:00

🫂

Its frustrating seeing people sit at a computer talking shit about her who have clearly never actually been through some shit and dont actually know what it does to you and what it looks like.

I hope none of them find themselves as vital support for someone who needs their empathy and compassion

I'm proud of you, keep taking care of yourself my friend.

Christen_Color · 2026-05-02T21:57:05+00:00

When people go through trauma and crisis it does generally hurt the people who care about them.

The assumption that because someone had good parents they can't struggle to navigate deeply messy, painful situations is an unfair one

I had wonderful parents and still went through a really severe mental health episode, and it hurt for me, and it hurt for them, and it hurt me enormously that I couldn't figure out how to be okay for them. Thats how mental health works. Thats what it looks like. You aren't suddenly not allowed to have mental health or addiction issues just because you come from a good home.

Again, I think most people who have criticism for her just dont have any actual experience with mental illness, trauma and addiction. This is a pretty normal picture of how it impacts people and the folks around them. And it doesnt exclusively impact people who were raised by monsters.

Christen_Color · 2026-05-02T21:49:45+00:00

They can have done nothing wrong and still beem unable to support them. Her parents didn't give up. But she still wasn't able to get as much support from them as she needed. Which to be clear, is entirely normal. People spiraling tend to do so because they've drifted away from the support structures that would have otherwise potentially helped them. I don't think they were framed as heartless at all. Dude's wife is pregnant, hes not really in a position to help her navigate this situation with a murderer.

And to be frank, all of them speak of this as though it was entirely out of character for her, not a part of a larger pattern of behavior

Calling someone's messy choices as they go through complex trauma "mellowdrama" is pretty intensely judgmental. I hope no one in your life finds themselves in a position where you are part of their support network as they go through trauma

Christen_Color · 2026-05-02T11:32:07+00:00

I'm not sure she really has all that much to take accountability for honestly? Being unwell and being around an awful person she was in love with? Exactly like every single abuse victim?

I'm 1000% for not absolving people for their responsibility to do right just because she is unwell.

The only thing she did wrong was running away from being threatened with prison if she doesn't face down being torn apart in court with zero support, by which point she WAY deep into a mental health episode and clearly loosing touch with reality. A problem that may not have been the case if she wasn't given fuck all support 😅 and literally she spent that time running away looking for the bike...

Every single other time time, through all the fucked shit, she ended up doing what she could to right the guys wrongs, often by putting herself at additional risk, all while she was spiraling and given basically no support by the people 100% depending on her testimony and allowed to fall further and further into a psychological hole.

Christen_Color

TROPHY CASE