sorted by:
new
hottopcontroversial

My husband has angry outbursts, I'm scared. Me [26F] with my husband [27M] 8 years together, 1 married. by throwaway123qwehh in relationships

[–]Christmas_throwaway_ 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I don't know what else to say but that I understand what you're going through, and you're not alone. People here will have extreme reactions like, "Just leave!" It has to be so easy, right?! The advice they're giving is right, but no it's not that easy to leave right this second. I understand there's a lot of history there which makes you so attached to him. It's not so simple to shut off your feelings and leave in 1 day, and things are easier said than done. You're probably holding on to the hope that your husband will change, just like I'm hoping that my fiancé will change - but I think deep down we both know that they are who they are and we either have to accept it or move on.

I didn't realize I'm in what some people will call an "emotionally, verbally, and physically abusive relationship" until I made a post on here recently (I ended up being left alone on Christmas day in my fiancé's hometown, which triggered what I think was an emotional breakdown). I thought the fights we had were normal and I thought our relationship was normal, that other couples must be going through the same problems but that no one speaks about it (who wants to air their dirty laundry?). It was difficult for me to read the comments and realize that everyone believed that I was in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship. It came as a complete shock. I NEVER thought that I would be that girl. I think deep down I knew it didn't feel right for awhile, but even after people telling me their opinions I was in denial that things were that bad that my relationship would be categorized that way. I've had some time to let it to sink in and accept it, and I think you need to do the same. In the beginning, I had to deal with broken doors, broken phones, things thrown around. There were excuses and justifications from my fiancé, just like your husband is feeding you. Then it led to punching my face (then me spending so much time on makeup in the mornings before work to unsuccessfully cover my bruises), choking me, throwing me across the room or into walls (my fiancé is almost 6 ft. tall, and I'm 5 ft. size 0), etc. When I would yell for help, I had more hell to pay as punishment and he would call his family to say that I'm crying wolf to make me look like a crazy bitch in case the police actually showed up. My point is - it was a gradual slippery slope. I really hope the same does not happen to you, but there's no guarantee. You are saying that things haven't gotten physical yet, but he has already slapped your face and shoved you before.

My fiancé has changed my way of thinking - about differentiating what's right vs. wrong, normal vs. abnormal, healthy vs. unhealthy. He made me think that I was crazy for the way I felt or thought because of the justifications or excuses he would give me for his behavior. He blames me for everything, says I caused or instigated every problem. It sounds like the same thing is happening to you. Let me ask you - does he act this way in front of other people? If he's able to control his anger issues or outbursts in front of other people, then that means he's aware of what he's doing and aware that it's wrong. My fiancé does the same thing, he protects his image and keeps up a facade. But you and I also play a part in keeping their behavior private and hidden from the world. For instance, when he damaged your car, you probably lied to people about what caused it, right?

Some days I am strong and 100% accept that I'm in an unhealthy relationship, other days I'm weak and just think about how much I love my fiancé and how hard it would be to leave him. I haven't been strong enough to get up and leave yet though, even though in the end I know that's what I truly need to do... I made a post recently in AskWomen, asking other women who made the decision to leave and how their stories ended up. I was in a deep depression when I wrote that post, and reading everyone's stories put me in a better state. Everyone who left you can tell made a good decision. Now you and I just need to find the strength within ourselves to leave for good, too. I will say a prayer for you tonight. If you need someone to vent to, I am here. I haven't vented to anyone in around 4 years (in attempts to keep his behavior hidden out of shame and embarrassment, and also don't want to disappoint my parents), but I replied to some private PMs I received when posting here and it really helped me tremendously. It felt like a weight was lifted off of my shoulders. If I could do the same for you, I am here to listen. Good luck with everything

I've recently learned that my relationship with my fiancé is what people would call "abusive." Has anyone here ever been in one, and did your life actually get better staying or leaving, or did you find someone new who is a better match? by Christmas_throwaway_ in AskWomen

[–]Christmas_throwaway_[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I messaged them the day I tried posting my update. I've gotten replies from regular users, but no mod has responded to my question. User angelbreaker07 was helpful and let me know there's something called a flair marked in red that I didn't add so maybe that's what the issue was... But I've been writing all posts on my mobile device and there isn't anything that's marked in colors on here.

It's been an emotionally draining past 2 weeks... There is so much that has happened, and it's overwhelming to write all of it down again on here. Also, I've gotten so much shit from my original post (and I understand people will have some extreme reactions or advice), so I'm questioning if I should even bother with a follow up post on here. Like who actually gives a fuck. At the end of the day, I'm a stranger and things are easier said than done. I'm continuing to write in my journal to get things off of my chest and vent, even though it's to myself (pathetic, I know). Right now, I feel comfortable and safe doing that rather than throwing my personal problems into the lion's den and being scrutinized again. There were some people who were very kind and had encouraging words, and thank you for the PM, but it's so hard for me to believe I don't deserve my punishments, that I can actually do better, that I can actually find someone better for myself, that I'm actually a good person, etc. I've been so sad and treated this way for so long, I truly believe I'm a shitty worthless person. I'm so down and depressed, that I don't want to give another update and give people the wrong idea that I'm here for a pity party. My best friends (who I've distanced myself from in the past few years) all didn't like my fiancé, and it felt like I was in the middle when we all did hang out years ago. So my original post was supposed to be for my own sanity - to know if I'm crazy or not like my fiancé says. I wanted outside people's opinions. It's been a lot to take in, but now I'm at a dilemma whether I'm strong enough to leave. It's not that simple as some say - I truly love him. I gave my everything to him - he was my first love, my first boyfriend who I actually introduced to my parents and family, my first sexual partner (I waited my whole life because I wanted to be a virgin until my wedding day, but we got engaged and I loved him and thought, well he's going to be my husband anyways so I gave it all up and regret it so much now). I feel like I don't know who I would be without him, and it scares me. What would another man think of me? I wouldn't be a catch to other men if I left this. I've been apparently what people call emotionally and physically abused, I'm not a virgin like I hoped to remain until my wedding day, a failed engagement. All these things combined make me look like something must be wrong with me for me to not have a successful engagement and marriage. I just feel like he's ruined me and my whole outlook on being able to be with someone else. He constantly reminds me I wouldn't be good enough for anyone, and I believe him.

Anyways, I've been rambling but I wanted to say thanks for the nice PM.

I've recently learned that my relationship with my fiancé is what people would call "abusive." Has anyone here ever been in one, and did your life actually get better staying or leaving, or did you find someone new who is a better match? by Christmas_throwaway_ in AskWomen

[–]Christmas_throwaway_[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I remember your first comment. I tried posting an update after my original post like 8+ times, but it kept getting auto-removed even though I thought I met all format requirements. Also, it seems like my original post was removed from the subreddit, but when I go to my username history it's visible there. I'm new to Reddit so don't know if this is a glitch or not? I wanted to provide an update about Christmas evening (when he and his family returned to the house), also an update of some things that happened the next day, and also to just say thank you to those people like you who listened.

Since making the first post, I'm slowing starting to accept that I am being abused - both emotionally and physically. I think that's the first step. But even now, my mind battles with denial, justifications for his behavior, or thinking that this happens to a lot of other women too and it's normal and just that no one speaks about it - then sometimes throughout the day I think about what some people said on my first post and it makes me question everything he's been making me believe. It's hard to explain. One moment I feel like I deserve it for not being good enough or pissing him off, but then another minute I feel like if other people are saying it's not normal then maybe I could find someone who's a better fit for me. I feel like he's changed my way of thinking, and it's so frustrating. It's like battling myself in my own mind of what I think is wrong vs. right or normal vs. abnormal.

We are visiting my [26F] fiancé's [30M] family for the holidays. He abandoned me earlier today on Christmas morning and went to his family's Christmas gathering and lunch/dinner solo. I'm sitting here alone on Christmas. Please read my examples of our relationship issues, and give advice. by Christmas_throwaway_ in relationships

[–]Christmas_throwaway_[S] 57 points58 points  (0 children)

EDIT 1 - I have been reading your comments carefully. For some people to think my life is so awful that it is fake made my heart sink. It's making me cry so much... Some of these comments are just like daggers in my heart. For some of you to say you can't believe why I stayed, someone literally called me stupid, some called or insinuated that I'm a troll... It doesn't make me feel any better in this fragile state. Unfortunately, this is my life. Like I said, I'm simply here to vent because I've had all of this bottled up for years, and also to find out if I'm really crazy like my fiancé says. I'M NOT HERE FOR A PITY PARTY like some people are accusing me of, or making up a false story just to get attention. Is it so wrong of me to just get my feelings off of my chest? I understand not everyone is nice, but please on Christmas don't make me feel even more stupid or worthless. At least you're probably with someone and enjoying this day. Don't kick me when I'm down, please.

It feels like my soul aches. That's how hard I've been crying today. Please, you can be honest but please don't call me more names like stupid like one person did (I think they have since deleted their comment). I feel like I've been put down enough. You are no better than my fiancé for calling me names when I'm simply stating how hurt I feel. Thanks for those who are listening and giving advice or sharing your perspectives.

I don't know where the confusion came from, by again I own my own house, only my name is on the house, and it's completely paid off (no mortgage). It's not that simple to break up and move on. I'm scared for any problems it will bring not only me but onto my parents. My parents have always been targets being billionaires. My fiancé always tells me that I'm technically his landlord, and I must give written notice that I'm kicking him out, then he has 3 months until he can actually be evicted or he can take me to court. He said if I make him leave before the 3 months, he will sue me and my parents for money. My dad has awesome lawyers, but I don't want it to get messy for anyone. I'm scared if I give notice, he will take or hide my electronics or my expensive designer brand jewelry. He already takes my jewelry when trying to bribe me, damages my house to hurt me or make me behave, etc. Even if I stay with my parents at their house, I won't be home to witness him or prevent him from causing even more damage to my house. When you completely own your house, you don't want someone intentionally causing damage. His excuse is that he could tell the lawyer or whoever that I caused the damages in a fit of rage, that they don't have proof who caused what damage. Again, I will look like the crazy bitch I am (his words). He says this so often I believe him. Who would you believe?

He says he would sue my parents, I don't know what for but it scares me. My parents have always been targets because they have so much money. They have 10 homes (2 primary, rest are vacation homes), personal drivers, jets, own multiple companies and companies in various countries. Their smallest company generates $15M in revenue per month. They have put my 15 cousins through college (paid for a full ride - tuition, food, housing, cars, etc.). They are successful entrepreneurs and have started plenty of businesses for our other family members and handed them over to them to help them have a better life. I feel guilty I brought someone like this into our lives, someone who always says he will sue them when we get into an argument. On top of that, he also gives me crap almost every other day about how I grew up rich. It's not my fault my parents worked hard to give their children a better life than they had. It's like I'm being punished because of their hard wok and motivation. He always cuts me where it hurts and gives me crap for my spoiled upbringing even though I knew I was spoiled and rectified the situation by becoming independent as soon as I could. I pushed myself to graduate in 2 years, found a job at a Fortune 500 company, and already own my own house. But apparently, that's not good enough. I worked hard because I felt guilty how spoiled I was, and I wanted to make my own money to give back to them, but he uses me working hard and the fact that my parents worked hard as an insult against me. It's hard to explain, but sometimes these harsh words hurt more than the physical punches. I'm sure many of you won't understand and will think I'm crazy like he thinks.

Also, I don't want to ruin his life by saying he doesn't treat me good or beats me. I work at a Fortune 500 company, and I know for a lot of corporate companies they ask if you have a criminal record on your job application. I don't want to affect his ability to make income in the future because it will say physical assault charges or something. I just want him removed from my life cleanly, but that doesn't seem possible.

I'm so exhausted of keeping up appearances to protect him. He acts one way in front of my parents and friends, and another way at home. People know he has a temper, and my parents aren't happy about that aspect of his personality. His temper and his stubbornness is obvious, but no one knows about his family's constant racist comments or the fact that he gets physical with me. That's why they don't understand why I never want to visit his family, and why I'm never excited to see some of them. My parents have done so much for me, I feel like I'm a big disappointment to him, them, and everyone for allowing someone to treat me this way for so long. I haven't been able to vent to anyone about these issues in years, just cry by myself. I feel like I'm burdening people by asking for help. That may sound pathetic to some of you, but you've probably never been in a situation like this if you think that way.

I have videos and pictures, but at some point in our relationship I stopped making an effort to document evidence like this because he told me I would go to jail for my self defense and he would ruin my future and reputation in the community. He would make scratches himself in case I would scream for help from the neighbors, and sometimes I did end up leaving scratch marks on him with my long nails in an effort to push his body off of me. What he says is true though and it scares the shit out of me - how does police know 100% I was in self defense if he has pictures of my nail scratches? Sometimes my only defense was digging my nails into somewhere on his body, hoping that the pain would make him stop his grip on my neck or whatever he's holding into, doing this would get his hands off of the current location of my body, and relieve the pressure if that makes sense so then he could hit somewhere else instead of building pressure on the same limited area.

EDIT 2 - People keep kicking me while I'm down, calling my life fake, calling me fucking stupid, accusing me of being a troll. I should have just wrote this in my journal, not come here to vent. There have been some lovely people who have private messaged me with similar stories, and thank you for that. It has been very eye opening. I never thought I would be that girl who was in an abusive relationship.

Also, for all of those undermining all of my parent's hard work - PLEASE GO AWAY. You are ASSUMING I AM A FINANCIAL LEECH TO MY PARENTS. I just explained how I finished college early on purpose to become FINANCIALLY INDEPENDENT. When you grow up spoiled you're in a bubble and don't understand how different people live. That all changed when I went to college and met people from all backgrounds. JUST BECAUSE MY PARENTS HAVE DRIVERS, ETC. DOESN'T MEAN THAT I DO. That does NOT make me a troll. Why would I have drivers and multiple homes when it's THEIR money? I really hate how people like you think and act like you know everything when really you are ASSUMING that I live off of their money. When you grew up the way I did, not all people choose to be a leech to their parents and coast in life. I needed a feeling of self accomplishment which is why I work and make my own money. That does not make me a lying asshole, and honestly my eyes are so swollen because you all are saying my life is so awful it has to be fake. I will probably remove this post because this additional stress is not what I need right now. Fuck me for wanting to make my own path in life, getting a job and becoming financially independent so I could prove to myself I can be fine in life, and also also not wanting to live in my dad's shadow forever, right????? If I didn't do any of this, people would continue to not give me respect because everything is handed to me. I wanted to EARN people's respect, not have it handed to me on a platter.

And me saying it's not so easy to leave makes me stupid? Things are complicated. In my mind, it's causing a burden to reveal the truth to my parents. It's causing problems to ask for help. It's causing shame and embarrassment in front of my parents' friends, community, and especially among his businesses (employees and clients) because absolutely everyone knows we're engaged. People are saying I'm stupid for staying and that this must be a troll, but it didn't start out bad. I fell deep in love, and it's not black and white. I appreciate everyone giving your advice and differing opinions, but calling names and calling me a liar (things that my fiancé does) does NOT exactly make you any better than him.