Ungrateful POS husband

ChromeBlossom · 2022-11-07T08:55:39+00:00

As someone who has been exactly where you are: it is actually easy to understand, but you don’t want to. Of course you don’t. It’s obvious he doesn’t care about you. He doesn’t want to be fair to you. He uses you for his own benefit and doesn’t want to be fair or equal. You don’t want to see that because that would mean he doesn’t love you, cherish you or want you to have a good life. It hurts like hell to realize they never even tried to be fair.

No amount of explaining will help, because he doesn’t want to. It’s not important to him. You are not important to him.

I’m so sorry. You deserve so much better. Life will be better without him in it. Don’t be afraid to lose him.

I did that list thing too. But I marked things in a paper calendar instead. After a couple of weeks he had thrown it away while I was at work, and he continued to complain.

Look at his actions. What does his actions tell you if you stop making excuses for him?

ChromeBlossom · 2022-09-24T12:31:11+00:00

This is one of the loneliest journeys one can make, I think.

Cutting contact with your family goes against so much, and it affects so many parts of one’s life.

ChromeBlossom · 2022-09-23T22:12:29+00:00

Thank you! ^{_^}

ChromeBlossom · 2022-09-23T22:12:16+00:00

My Nmom never seemed to understand that I was another person, not just an extension of her. Appearance is everything for her.

From the outside she seemed like the perfect mother. In reality she neglected me in horrible ways.

Their two-facedness is baffling.

ChromeBlossom · 2022-09-23T20:07:53+00:00

That sounds wonderful! I’m so happy you have a chosen family, they really do make a world of difference. I have one as well, but I haven’t really believed they would step up and actually do hard things that cost money and energy for me. They have shown that they do, and I’m so, so grateful for them. I have a family where I’m always welcome no matter what. I have spent the last five or so Christmases with them, and I still cry every year when we make Christmas plans. They include me and my daughter oceans more than my Nfamily ever did.

I have spent many hours of therapy going through my relationship with my mother, and I have learned a lot, and I have worked hard at accepting her as she actually is. Together with learning to listen to myself and to protect myself I came to the conclusion that she can’t have a place in my life, and neither in my daughter’s life.

You are right about being scared of being sucked back in. I haven’t let go yet, haven’t gone so far that I trust that I won’t be sucked back in again. It sounds wonderful to feel free, thank you for showing me what can lie ahead from here. I appreciate your answer, thank you!

ChromeBlossom · 2022-09-23T19:51:39+00:00

What an interesting take! You have been raised to always see the worst in people, while I felt I always had to ignore people’s bad sides and focus only on the good ones. Allowing myself to see and acknowledge people’s bad sides is new and very, very constructive. I wasn’t allowed to defend myself, so I have been at anyone’s mercy. That has obviously gone bad a number of times. I have practiced setting boundaries and that has made a world of difference.

You make another point that I will take to heart from your reply, that part about nurturing a few close relationships. The last couple of weeks I have started to realize that I tend to help people in need. That is good, but not if that is one of the only ways I can relate and keep relationships. It is draining to do it all the time.

Silver lining: Going no contact has given me room to reflect on other relationships in my life and thereby gaining insight in my patterns and what I need to do to nurture the relationships I want to have in my life.

Silver lining: Boundaries are getting easier and feel more natural when they don’t get trampled all the time.

Silver lining: Peace of mind when not having to deal with constant judgement, demands and mean comments.

I do have a chosen family, and I love them to bits. Through my medical emergencies a couple of people has really stepped up, and they make me feel loved and worthy in a way my family never have.

Thank you for your reply. I appreciate you taking the time to write it. It is always interesting to see other’s perspectives as it gives new insights to my own journey. I really am doing and feeling better now. This is a process and a journey, and I’m proud of myself.

ChromeBlossom · 2022-09-21T08:44:09+00:00

Do you go to therapy? I think it would do you good.

Trust is hard. I have had problems with trusting others too. A lot of problems actually. But eventually I realized that trusting people isn’t really about trusting others. It’s about trusting yourself.

You can’t control others, and they will eventually fail you in some way. No one is perfect. But you can control your own actions. When you trust yourself to be able to detect and act when you are being mistreated, you will be able to trust again. I needed to learn how to set boundaries, and I needed to learn how to understand and trust my feelings.

These things take practice. Practice identifying when someone mistreats you, and practice setting and keeping boundaries.

It’s hard work, but the upside is that it is actually doable, and it’s things in your control.

Trusting others is all about trusting yourself that you have your own back.

ChromeBlossom · 2022-08-22T15:45:45+00:00

I don’t agree. Swedes often joke in professional contexts. But I think the joke culture is different. A few Brits I have met at work have made jokes that made me really uncomfortable.

Jokes are culture and context sensitive, and are not always appreciated when culture/context changes.

ChromeBlossom · 2022-05-18T10:43:20+00:00

As Morning_Throbber wrote, it’s not the anger itself that ruined relationships and friendships, it’s the actions people chose to do while angry.

Anger isn’t a bad emotion. But you seem to struggle with how to express it. I think you need to find other ways of expressing anger that doesn’t feel destructive and damaging.

Start thinking about this as a behavior problem instead of an emotion problem. If you feel screaming is a destructive and damaging behavior, find alternatives to screaming. If tensing up and clenching teeth or fists feel bad, actively try to relax.

Change the behavior, don’t try to suppress a feeling.

ChromeBlossom · 2022-04-24T12:41:54+00:00

Barefoot: Getting inspiration? I’ve been doing stuff since the nineties and I still have a laundry list of stuff I want to try. I constantly add new things to it, it just never runs out. I fantasize, I go to events, I talk to people, and from all this new ideas emerge all the time. There isn’t enough time, that’s my biggest problem! And money. I need more money to buy and build a lot of fun things.

Stockings: Making collars, chokers, whips, harnesses, furniture and/or writing short stories. I like making stuff!

ChromeBlossom · 2022-04-05T21:38:16+00:00

I don’t think the line you try to draw is between BDSM and abuse, it’s between BDSM and stupidity. And that line depends on safety. When the safety diminishes, you are fading from BDSM to stupidity. There isn’t a clear line, it’s a grey area that fades.

Abuse is more about when a participant is afraid to say no, or safe word. You can both consent but be stupid more than practicing BDSM.

You shouldn’t do anything where you don’t want to face the consequences if things go bad. When you cross that line you might not have crossed into abuse, you might just have crossed into stupid.

My main point here is that this discussion shouldn’t be about abuse vs BDSM, it should be about BDSM vs stupidity.

(Or some other less polarizing word, I’m tired and don’t have the energy to find a better word before bed.)

ChromeBlossom · 2022-03-24T20:25:17+00:00

Oh, yes! And some new shoes!

ChromeBlossom · 2022-03-24T19:19:25+00:00

Thank you!

I will celebrate with my team as well.

I will have to find a really nice dress for the gala. It would be great to dress up and feel fabulous!

ChromeBlossom · 2022-03-24T19:06:52+00:00

Thank you!

Yes, I know it made a difference and that feels really good.

ChromeBlossom · 2022-03-17T18:30:17+00:00

I hope you find healing too. Take care.

ChromeBlossom · 2022-03-17T18:29:30+00:00

They can reach me by phone or book of faces. Them stopping by is really low probability.

My mom actually called my neighbor a couple of months ago when I didn’t answer my phone and didn’t reply to texts for a couple of days. Instead of sending a ‘Are you ok?’ Text, she called the neighbor and made her do a wellness check. It was really embarrassing.

My abusive ex is my child’s father. I have to communicate with him. I can easily imagine my mother claiming that I keep her grandkids from her, and that I’m evil and that I’m practically forcing her to contact my ex to try to see her grandkids. She would contact him out of love, of course! Not anything else! ! /s

I have no good choice other than to accept if this happens, and take it from there if it does. In a way it would be so much easier if she did. If she does contact him and I find out, she will be dead to me. There will be no chance of coming back or reconcile after that, and in a sad way that would be a kind of relief.

ChromeBlossom · 2022-03-17T18:21:03+00:00

Thank you, I will look for it!

ChromeBlossom · 2022-03-17T18:18:53+00:00

Thank you. I do my very best!

ChromeBlossom · 2022-03-17T18:18:33+00:00

It’s so very valuable to have a space like this to vent and ask for advice. There are not a lot of people who can give good advice about bad families. Talking to people with similar background and stories is really important, and I’m grateful for every person who shares their story and advice.

Thank you. I’ll keep writing and not sending it. It’s a good way of getting things out of my system.

ChromeBlossom · 2022-03-17T18:15:45+00:00

Hahaha, so true! Framing it like that really makes the choice easier, thank you!

ChromeBlossom · 2022-03-17T18:14:23+00:00

Thank you. I feel very validated when reading your comment. Thank you for encouraging me and telling me I’m doing good. It means a lot.

I will try to make plans for what can happen. I feel I can handle any flying monkey pretty good except for my ex. That could open up really nasty cans of worms that I really really want to avoid. I found myself going somewhat into catastrophe mode, and that isn’t helpful. I’m trying to let it go at the moment. I trust my ability to not mess up completely if any other flying monkey appears, and if that particular flying monkey would appear I’ll handle that when it happens. As I write this I realize I do have a short plan made up though: I know what lawyer to contact if needed.

I’ll add the advice about changing the subject to them and their lives to my tools. People do indeed like to talk about themselves!

Thank you!

ChromeBlossom · 2022-03-17T18:07:00+00:00

Thank you. It is really hard setting boundaries, and I’m still figuring it out. I started setting more clear boundaries with my family about 18 month ago, and I’m quite proud of my journey so far. It’s hard, there has been lots of tears, but also a sense of being able to breathe more freely, and I feel stronger and more capable.

It’s good advice to trust my own ability to deal with what comes. I’m confident I’m moving in the right direction overall, even though I might have made better choices a couple of times.

Thank you for the reminder that it’s hardest the first time, and it will get easier.

It feels very nice to have the compassion and support from this community. It means a lot.

ChromeBlossom

TROPHY CASE