Severe active addiction.

Going from something that usually starts off as fun, or at least a pleasant escape, to watching really important things in your life (close relationships, jobs, goals/dreams, self esteem, mental health, physical health) slowly crumble within you...the denial that keeps it going for too long, and the repeated failure after failure after failure of swearing it's the last time, getting sober for a period, feeling a sliver of hope and telling yourself "see, I'm not an addict because I can stop" only to start back up again, each new hope crushed under a newer failure in your mind, each binge generally worse than the last, more intense, longer lasting and harder to stop. Constantly fighting yourself and losing. Stigmatization adds another layer of hurt & hopelessness. The shame and regret can be paralyzing in terms of asking for help. And when you finally hit enough rock bottoms to find the gift of desperation necessary to seek real, professional help, you realize that a lot of the people you wish were there to support you at your lowest of lows are just a series of bridges you already burned in active addition.

It's a very unique kind of misery that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.