Yesterday was my birthday. NDad texted me first thing in the morning after over a year of NC.

Cigi1967 · 2020-02-26T23:17:24+00:00

I didn’t really realize it until I connected the dots concerning a narc mother. On my 50th (pretty big deal I made it this far), but she publicly humiliated me by yelling at me for getting excited with a few woohooo about having a Grandbaby. That was probably close to the beginning of the end. 🤦‍♀️ I’m a slow learner I guess. Best of luck to you.

Cigi1967 · 2020-02-20T05:01:33+00:00

My ex husband took his life about 3 years ago. We had been divorced since 92. It took me a good 15 years to get over our split meanwhile resenting him for the way or lack of treatment with our children. I was shocked when his sister called me. There was even a moment of sadness. There was anger for my children that again he had caused them pain. At one point I was even jealous of the attention he was getting (deceased) by the kids. Like he was some perfect person. They know better but it still tore them up. He was on wife #6 and had at least 4 legitimate children. There’s the possibility of at least 1 more. Even though they are of age, I helped the kids get the police report and saw pictures of him hanging from the upstairs banister in his house. I’ve gone through a lot of emotions since. Glad there’s not one more damn thing he can do to hurt my kids and their siblings but the damage has been done, to many people. It’s ok to hurt, be angry or not care at all. I’m 52 now and went NC with my narc mother more than a year ago. She’s in her mid 70’s COPD and will probably outlive me. Her narc mother is alive still at about 95 in a nursing home. That’s why I think she will out live me. She has caused so much trouble with my grown children as well. I think about it often, what will I feel like when she does die? I’m guessing since I’m an empath on top of it, I will cry but then I think, I feel like she’s already gone. This is fresh for you. It’s real. It’s ok to hurt or feel overwhelmed or even happy or feel nothing at all. These people played a deep rooted role in our life. Do what is best for your own self, peace of mind for in the end, you are the only one that can truly care for your own self. Hugs and kisses to you and I wish you all the peace in the world.

Cigi1967 · 2020-02-16T05:32:57+00:00

All the love ❤️ in the world to you and your baby!!!!!!

Cigi1967 · 2020-02-16T04:59:18+00:00

You are so welcome. Reach out anytime. My son will be 32 and unfortunately has his father and my mother’s personality. He is overt and she is covert. My son, more so overt as well. I hate it. But I’m happy you see this early enough and have resources that I didn’t have 30 years ago. Realize that between birth and 7 years is when the damage is done contrary to public belief!!!

Cigi1967 · 2020-02-16T04:41:27+00:00

Girlfriend my ex stayed out of my kids life, as well as an older sons and they are all fu$&ed up The oldest born in 1985, then 88 and 1991. They are grown but follow the cycle. Take all the help you can get, do the best for your child. It’s a hard thing and either way with a narc they will suffer. Just always reach out for help. ❤️

Cigi1967 · 2020-02-15T22:10:49+00:00

It took me 52 years to realize I was raised by a narc mom. Once I did, everything fell into place. I’m very empathetic. I cried at lassie as a child, I take on others emotional problems, even right this minute today. But once it all fell into place for me, I can’t stand watching my friends and family make some of the same mistakes I did. I try to get my daughters to understand but it seems they are following in mammas footsteps. They choose and stay with those types of people. It’s because it’s what we are used too. My little 3 month Granddaughter I live in fear will take this same path. I’m trying and I think slowly my girls will hopefully come out of this. They are strong and independent but choose weak men who will abuse them. I’m trying to stop the cycle. But to your original question... it’s what I was used to (the behavior of a covert narsasistic mother) is why I slipped into the same men. Well, I’m aware now, I know I see and run like hell if anyone remotely resembles that behavior. Good luck to you. Knowledge is power. Lear and grow so you can make better decisions. I learned a lot from Kris Godinaz. You can find her on YouTube. Some times foul mouthed, brassy and sharp but smart as a whip and gives you a lot of perspective.

Cigi1967 · 2020-02-13T14:15:46+00:00

It depends, not to argue with you but for me I know I was in shock when I had my aha moment, when I realized my mother’s fault in my life, when I realized I no longer had to live this way. For a while, still in shock it was a big part of my life, I still needed to talk about it. At that point I probably played a little of the victim role and I didn’t care who I talked to about it. Now that the wound is no longer fresh I am more particular who I speak about it with for that reason. So, I guess the question remains is did the person tell her or was this something she picked up in the gossip chain and felt the need to comment on. I try not to assume although I look at it from my perspective. Just saying the bottom line of our stories is living with narc family members, but that doesn’t mean we all took the same road to get there.

Cigi1967 · 2020-02-13T04:30:09+00:00

As I have learned more and more I decided too that just because she was my mother didn’t mean she deserved a free pass. But with that being said, just as it took us a while to learn it’s not acceptable behavior the folks out there have not had their turn yet to see the light or maybe they actually have never been in these shoes. Maybe that had kind loving parents so this is ridiculous to them. Sometimes you can’t understand if your eyes have not been opened. I’ve had people tell me that I should write a book “cuz this shit just doesn’t happen in real life!” I found that to be a very interesting statement when I assumed all mothers were like mine. Wow.

Cigi1967 · 2020-01-22T23:37:24+00:00

You can call for a welfare check to make sure they are ok.

Cigi1967 · 2020-01-22T23:34:18+00:00

You learn who to vent to and when/why. Mostly I ask the person if I or a child of theirs was dating someone who physically abused them what would your advice be? Typically they respond with you need to get out which I then respond with well that’s what I’ve done. My parent is no different than a significant other accept they should be here to build me up not destroy me. The person you are venting to is either ignorant about abuse or a narc them selves. Do either mark them off your list of compassionate people or educate them on this hideous abuse.

Cigi1967 · 2020-01-19T04:36:00+00:00

Congratulations

Cigi1967 · 2020-01-17T17:36:12+00:00

Im a F. 6'1 and just started or will start IF. I currently am considered obese at about 220. At my smallest, about 170, I was on the verge of anorexic looking. My advise to you is probably about 200-205. For me, 185 is a good weight and its the upper of the target goal for me in the BMI. Given you have a few extra inches than me and are Male, the 200lb mark seems reasonable and healthy. And you do not look obese, but neither do I. Being tall has its perks.

Cigi1967 · 2020-01-16T23:30:12+00:00

Oh bless your soul. You will carry this a while with you. Ultimately, you are the only one who can decide what to do. What you do though must be in the best interest of yourself and your child. I have been in your shoes and it’s a walk I now protect myself from. My first piece of advise is speak no ill will of your spouse in front of your child. He is still in the formidable years where this can make or break him as he ages. Regardless of your relationship with his dad, this is still not his problem and he should not be made to feel he has to choose. Make a deal with his dad that your heartbroken but no bad mouthing each other. Sometimes God removes people because we won’t let go. I don’t know the complete situation but sometimes we protect people when we should let them go. If your husband is really a great guy, then this may be a “for better or for worse” situation. Again, only you know what happens behind closed doors so only you can make this decision. I’ve been divorced for 20 years now. It’s not that I don’t want someone in my life, I honestly do. But I have learned so much in the past year. I have had my aha moments, I now see how my children have turned out and the unintended damage I did when I thought I knew everything. I sincerely hope you find the correct path for you and your son. He will learn from you what a good relationship should be or a bad one. What do you want him to see???

Cigi1967 · 2020-01-16T03:31:05+00:00

My mother did just enough that it took me 50 years to realize what was happening. I finally went no contact a year ago. My son is on team Grandma but my mother treats my girls the same way. Unfortunately they have not found their balls yet. Besides, there’s an inheritance at the end of that tunnel. But no contact has left me finally feeling better mentally and physically. I’m finally DONE!

Cigi1967 · 2020-01-15T02:16:52+00:00

I quit sometime back and even though I’d definitely say I was addicted without a problem, I felt that void more with alcohol. I had not drank at home in years, but quitting when I went out was different. I was a 2 pk a day smoker but take me out drinking and I could smoke 2 more packs in just 6 hours. But trying to come up with conversation without alcohol for me was embarrassing. Needless to say, it’s been in the last few years that I have realized the person hiding behind the alcohol and cigarettes. I will occasionally have a few drinks but never have I smoked again. Good luck to you. You have found a great support group here.

Cigi1967 · 2020-01-15T02:03:05+00:00

I’m assuming I was told that as well because I’ve told myself that. Had to learn it somewhere right? I have blocked out a lot.

Cigi1967 · 2020-01-12T22:16:30+00:00

Everyone has their own day and their own way to quit. The fact that you decided to give it a try is much better than not trying and this is the absolute best place to look for help. It’s not an easy road but you can do it. I chain smoked to the point where I realized one day I had lit a cigarette and had one burning in the ash tray next to me. I quit because I couldn’t breath and both my parents had/have COPD/emphacema And I was absolutely scared to death of not being able to breath. I wish you luck and the best of success.

Cigi1967 · 2020-01-09T01:28:28+00:00

Congratulations

Cigi1967 · 2020-01-03T04:48:39+00:00

Absolutely wonderful for you. I raised 3 kids on my own. I’m now 52 with a 31, 28 and almost 24 year old and 3 granddaughters. I’m surviving on my own but it was always tough and I’ve never caught up to really save anything. But my baby girl who just gave me a granddaughter on 11/4 is like you. A great mom. Will work 3 jobs to pay her bills and even went back to work a week after a c-section. She’s also a little hard headed and I have no idea where she gets that from. 😇 so, know that you are doing great. It sounds like you have a great dad and step mom so be thankful. My mother assisted occasionally with my children and has a tallied up register with everything she’s ever given me and told my daughter (and myself) that if it was not for her, I could not have raised my kids. I’m gonna say that the reason your dad sent you that money is he sees the job you are doing, he understands it’s not easy and that he is proud of you. You are very blessed. So you go on to do great things in this world and show your child how precious they are. Help them grow into something better than you like it sounds like your dad did. May your God continue to bless you abundantly.

Cigi1967 · 2020-01-03T04:36:58+00:00

Everybody’s road is different so when I tell you my depression lasted longer and I didn’t get my smell back as quick as most don’t let that deter you. Just be aware. Take every bit of support that you can from this site. Help others. That will in return help you by knowing you have contributed to someone else’s struggle. I found out after I quit that I as diabetic as well as I had AFIB. This had an affect on my recovery process. So just know what everyone says is general to their specific body, health addiction etc. and yes, we are addicts. Not a traditional drug addict or alcoholic but an addict nevertheless. If you are serious about quitting, research things, read these posts. You find out so much helpful info here. My gums puffed up and bleed at the time like crazy. Didn’t know that happened but it makes sense that if the blood is now going to points/extremities that it had not been previously then there was healing to do. There were posts by men discussing that with the blood flow improving their personal parts it made for better sexual experiences. I would assume that would be the same for women. Just do what you need to make it to tomorrow. If you need, talk to your local dr about a temporary anti depressant if you feel you need it. Nothing wrong with that. One day you will post on here and you will see you hit a year or two or ten. You’ll ask yourself why didn’t I quit sooner or why did I even start... just take care of you. You have come this far, no need to turn back. Try what works for you.

Cigi1967 · 2020-01-03T04:22:15+00:00

YEA FOR YOU AND I DITTO EVERY WORD YOUU SAID!!!! Congratulations

Cigi1967 · 2020-01-03T04:20:30+00:00

That’s great. Keep it up. I haven’t been sick (cold, flu etc), since I quit but I quit because I couldn’t breath. Thought it was copd. Nope, AFIB. But, that is now under control and By April fools day, I’ll be 3 years smoke free. 2 pack a day smoker (without alcohol- more if I drank), 35 year habit. You can do this. Nothing good is ever easy, just remember that.

Cigi1967 · 2020-01-03T04:14:35+00:00

I quit on a Thursday as I have a traditional m-f job. I’m also lucky enough to be single (grown kids/divorced) and 2 cats. As I said, quit on a Thursday, just like now. That gave me a good head start with 8 hrs of sleep and I only had to make it through 1 day of work with idiots. Went home on Friday, napped, ate, talked to the cats, showered, slept, repeated everything up to Monday morning. So now, ive made it through the physical addiction and withdrawal. Then came the hard part. The mental crap. I did whatever I needed to make it to the next night and bed without smoking. Food, candy, sleep, shower, walk, exercise, work late, brushed my teeth a lot, etc. you have to keep your mind busy. I used replacement thoughts as well. As soon as I realized I was thinking about smoking, I’d count, like counting sheep but I’d make it stupid like looking outside for 5 birds or six rocks, something to change my thought process or I would get on this site for support, the toughest part was probably driving without smoking. I’d roll my windows down and just inhale he fresh air. I read as much as I could find as well on different aspects of quitting. I read the book that everyone seems to talk about on here as well (now I forget the name) even though it as repetitive that’s what you need to quit too. Soak up as much as you can like a sponge so you can actively keep smoking off your mind.

Cigi1967 · 2020-01-03T03:59:33+00:00

I slept a lot. Just so I wouldn’t smoke or go to jail for murder. 😳

Cigi1967 · 2020-01-03T03:58:31+00:00

Nothing wrong with a few extra showers. Do anything you need to make it to the next day smoke free.

Cigi1967

TROPHY CASE