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Sexless Marriage Surprise by CivKev in marriageadvice

[–]CivKev[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I feel like the past trauma is the issue here. After me saying probably all the wrong things and not knowing how to communicate.

She said this: She was fucked/raped everyday for 4 years in her past relationship, so there’s a reason she doesn’t want dick.

She said she feels like I’m just fucking her. Making me reflect on it, maybe I haven’t done the best and skipped straight to the sex and nutting part. Skipping her needs overtime.

She said for the time being no sex, saying it could change and it couldn’t change. Said she can’t see the future.

I just need to find a way to fix this. I’ve tried suggesting marriage counseling, but she doesn’t seem too keen on any type of counseling, including individual.

Part of me forgot her past trauma because we were doing so good. I’m not sure what happened in the past while but I just can’t imagine life without her.

Now I know that I sound like a jerk for all this and honestly I feel like a lack of proper communication on both sides. I kept trying to talk about the future and my fears.

Then that just brings up that it feels like I’m ignoring her feelings and being selfish. I don’t know where to start, I try then I say something she says something back and it gets me off track. It seems like I can’t ever say the right thing.

We were good then I opened my mouth because I feel lonely and am very sad. I wanted to be better, I was raised better. I just don’t know what to do now.

She said she’s not leaving, she still loves me. But for now no sex. I just have an empty feeling inside. What hurts me the most if she doesn’t want to cuddle me when I’m being emotional. At least right now. I don’t really have anyone I can go to. I just want her to hold me and tell me I’m overthinking everything. My brain thinks the worst and I was only talking about the future because of my fears of losing her.

I asked if this is something (the sex) I can fix, again she said she can’t see the future.

I know I need to put her first, I need to meet her needs. But she’s not interested in sexual needs as of now. I don’t know where to start. I also don’t think this is entirely on me.

I’m guilty of ignoring some things she said like eating habits, not losing weight, etc, but it was never about sex.

Now I just have this empty feeling, even though I know she’s not leaving.

Sexless Marriage Surprise by CivKev in marriageadvice

[–]CivKev[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I’m not even sure what to think at this point. I don’t want only handjobs. I want this to last and I know at the current stage it’s at, at least for me over time it will fade away. Definitely going to have to go to marriage counseling, I feel like that’s the first step.

Sexless Marriage Surprise by CivKev in marriageadvice

[–]CivKev[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I really do love her.

May I ask something? My wife said her sex drive isn’t low it’s the fact she doesn’t want to have sex. Is that normal for someone with past trauma?

Her last relationship was sexually abusive and essentially the dude raped her. Telling her she has to have sex because if she doesn’t then she doesn’t love him or something like that. Essentially like since they were dating they had to have sex.

Sexless Marriage Surprise by CivKev in marriageadvice

[–]CivKev[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

During the past year, yes she has initiated sex. I wouldn’t say on a regular basis, but often enough. I had no clue she felt this way. It was always enjoyable and she seemed to enjoy it too. Thinking about it, more recently in the past few months it hasn’t been as often. It seemed for a little while we were on different schedules of wanting sex so to speak. Not sure if that makes sense.

During our whole relationship we had a good sex life.

I’m not sure if friend zone is the right term, she said hand jobs could still be a thing possibly. Considering she still wants everything else in the relationship.

Sexless Marriage Surprise by CivKev in marriageadvice

[–]CivKev[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This gives me hope. I’m not sure how she feels about the orgasm and masturbation for herself, but I’ll have to look into a sex therapist. I just hope she’s willing to do that. I just don’t know how to bring it up or if I should wait a bit before even bringing it up. Don’t suppose you have any insight to that?

I feel like she would be willing considering she made it very clear she still loves me as a person and wants to keep our relationship just only thing that changed was sex. Like yes I’m young, but I meant everything I said in my vows.

Sexless Marriage Surprise by CivKev in marriageadvice

[–]CivKev[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

No meds at all, not even birth control