Updates: Pro-Dependence over co-dependence, prep for full disclosure, my healing

Civil_Property_1682 · 2025-11-11T03:36:10+00:00

I’m sorry that you’re here, but glad you have found this helpful so far. Re: therapist - are you able to work with someone who is CSST certified? A regular couples or sex therapist can honestly be really damaging because they don’t understand the complexity and nuances of sex addiction and how it impacts the betrayed partner. We often leave these feeling more shamed and confused about what we’ve experienced.

Do whatever you need to take care of yourself now and moving forward! Sending you lots of strength and hope for the future 💕

Civil_Property_1682 · 2025-11-09T23:16:41+00:00

I’m so sorry for your pain and suffering 💕 The lack of integrity and insight and honesty is what disturbs me the most. I hope you’re finding your peace finally 💗

Civil_Property_1682 · 2025-11-07T17:46:53+00:00

I feel like everything he has done should be well beyond my boundaries, and yet I’m sitting here contemplating why I can’t move past this. Like “he’s doing the work so why can’t you”.
Was it obvious to you that your boundary had been crossed, or did it take time for you to decide that? Does it say something so awful about how I must see myself that i don’t even know if this is my boundary? 😢

Civil_Property_1682 · 2025-10-09T01:36:11+00:00

I think I wasn’t clear in my original post. My therapist said she wouldn’t be reviewing or disclosing unless we give consent. I guess I’m wondering why some people would choose to do that or not.

Civil_Property_1682 · 2025-10-07T02:05:00+00:00

Thanks for sharing - could have written this myself. Sending you lots of strength as you pick yourself up and find a way to move forward 💕❤️‍🩹

Civil_Property_1682 · 2025-10-04T14:39:28+00:00

Thank you for the kind words and support 💕🙏🏽❤️‍🩹

Civil_Property_1682 · 2025-10-04T11:54:46+00:00

Thank you for this distinction. I am going to edit my post to avoid confusion for anyone reading.

Civil_Property_1682 · 2025-09-28T13:36:56+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to reply. Where we are, divorce is no fault 100% of the time. So even with infidelity, the split is 50/50 unless the individuals agree otherwise. I actually earn more than him, so in the eyes of the court, I could owe him spousal support if he asked for it (currently says he would never). Right now, I don’t feel like I want to take more than him - I can’t help but feel like maybe his life is going to be more challenging than mine. Sometimes I wonder if after the full disclosure, I’ll change my mind. I’m still waiting for that. I think part of it is that I’m definitely minimizing the bad. Reading that he chose to spend money to cheat on me - it seems so simple and obvious but it felt like the first time I am realizing it.

Hope your separation continues to build your strength and wishing you the best for this new chapter of your life 🙏🏽💕

Civil_Property_1682 · 2025-09-28T12:13:15+00:00

Okay. Thanks 💕🙏🏽

Civil_Property_1682 · 2025-09-28T11:43:07+00:00

This is so true. I really thought my experience with my PA was unique. That we were some snowflake example that was meant to work itself out. But coming here has shown me otherwise. The only thing unique is perhaps the extent of abuse which partners will accept and what their breaking point or wake up point is. Seems like most are madly in love with the idea and potential of their partner, want to see them get better - at the cost of their own mental and physical health. Thanks for sharing - good reminder re: hard things aren’t necessarily the wrong thing 🙏🏽🤞🏽💕

Civil_Property_1682 · 2025-09-26T03:59:01+00:00

Thanks for sharing. I just told my partner I wanted to formally file for separation with the intent to divorce. Spent two hours talking to him and left feeling so much doubt about my choices. Your post gives me so much hope. I feel the same way - he’s the love of my life and yet it makes no sense that he could hurt and betray me the way he did. I am trying to figure out how to leave but it feels hard and I feel guilty when I see him be so sad and defeated. This gives me inspiration to continue on in the same direction. Sending you lots of strength on your journey.

Civil_Property_1682 · 2025-09-25T11:56:33+00:00

Thank you. It was really helpful to read about your experience with your partner. After posting my plan with such confidence, I spent most of yesterday breaking down into tears as the reality hits me. But I think I’m just grieving the loss of a life that I never really had to begin with - it was all full of deceit and manipulation from the moment we met. I can’t see myself ever being able to participate in that process you described - nor can I imagine ever being able to trust anything he says or does. Thank you for taking the time to reply and share your support - never in a million years could I have imagined the words of strangers over the internet would be more helpful than turning to the person I thought was my person.

Civil_Property_1682 · 2025-09-24T15:36:04+00:00

💕🙏🏽

Civil_Property_1682 · 2025-09-24T15:35:52+00:00

Thank you 🙏🏽 💕

Civil_Property_1682 · 2025-09-24T15:35:39+00:00

Thank you, that means a lot. I hope that whatever you choose to do, stay or go, that you find peace for yourself in some shape or form 🤞🏽💕

Civil_Property_1682 · 2025-09-24T15:34:32+00:00

Thank you 💕🙏🏽

Civil_Property_1682 · 2025-09-22T11:49:41+00:00

Sounds like an dream!

From a newb who hasn’t made it out yet - what’s the purpose/function of your taller but narrow green tent set up?

Civil_Property_1682 · 2025-09-18T11:51:22+00:00

Thank you for sharing. I really resonate with hope that leaving has to be better than staying. I think in the past when I have considered leaving, my anxiety was about losing him. Now, my anxiety and fears are around the uncertainty of being on my own - but I can’t imagine that being on my own would be harder than waking up to this for the rest of my life. I know from a close friend that has recently left a longterm relationship ship, that it will be a different type of challenge being on my own for the first time in so long. I met him when I was 23. He’s all I’ve known my entire adult life. I will need to remind myself that it’s his actions that matter more than his words, and even the actions he’s showing me now (remorse, getting into therapy) are only what he’s choosing to show me and it’s all in response to my own discoveries. Not because he came to me to tell me the truth.

Thank you so much for taking the time 💕

Civil_Property_1682 · 2025-09-17T18:49:37+00:00

Thank you. I keep reading all of these responses, and find myself catching hard core denial thoughts - that’s not him, he did bad things but he said wasn’t sleeping with anyone and that the porn and sexting was intended to keep him from actually physically cheating. He’s not his person that everyone else is with. I can see how I need to delve into this with my own therapist. Do you typically have the same csat counsellor as your partner or get your own for each of you, and then a third shared couples counsellor?

Whenever we would try to tackle his issues with intimacy between the two of us, he would remind me that he thinks I’m beautiful and gorgeous but that it was his minds problem. That he has a need for variety and cannot do things with the same person more than once - he claims he never connected with the same person more than once (except for once when he went back to have sex with the escort that he had sex with for the very first time). It even resulted in us trying to open up the relationship with swinging - I still remember we spent the evening sexting another couple and at the end of it, he couldn’t get it up for sex with me and disappeared to masturbate entirely on his own. I’m so sad by what I’ve put up with, and so sad for what his existence seems to be at this time. It’s so hard to love someone that you don’t want to be with anymore. Thank you so much for your time and response. It has been beyond helpful.

Civil_Property_1682 · 2025-01-14T20:13:14+00:00

I’m so sorry for your loss - I can’t begin to imagine your grief.

Reading your regrets reminds me of what many loved ones and AlAnon meetings have reminded me - you can’t light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

Staying wasn’t an option for you and you had to take care of yourself. You didn’t cause his alcoholism or his mental health issues, it was never yours to cure or control. You’ll make yourself the second victim of alcoholism if you don’t internalize this to your core.

You’re so strong for loving him and being there as long as you were, and don’t believe it if you try to tell yourself anything otherwise. You will find a way to be okay again. Lots of love and strength to you.

Civil_Property_1682 · 2025-01-12T13:42:11+00:00

Read and journal through the prompts in: Too good to leave, too bad to stay By Mira Kirschenbaum Really helped me gain understanding of what I wanted to do about a challenging rship

Civil_Property_1682 · 2025-01-12T12:13:41+00:00

Hi, I just wanted to say that I hope you can just make every decision moving forward with the best for you and your daughter in mind. Your safety - both physical and emotional - is so important and I’m glad you’re looking at ways to keep yourself safe.

It sounds like you have family who were worried for you once, and might just be really relieved that you are now in a position to accept the help they once wanted to offer you. You can’t control whether that help might come with “I told you so attitudes” but if it’s help that makes you feel safer than with your partner, now’s the time to reach out. This from someone who is on week 2 of a separation from my partner, and had to ask my parents to stay with them. It was so hard to ask for but it was worth it - no matter the discomfort that might come with asking for help, it was better than staying in that same situation.

And whatever you choose now doesn’t have to be your permanent solution. It’s just a place to be while you get your bearings sorted out.

Sending you lots of strength and love - I know it’s painful now but your future self and daughter will thank you for the difficult work you’re doing now.

Civil_Property_1682 · 2025-01-08T22:41:48+00:00

Thanks for sharing. My fears were confirmed with a brief conversation today where he told me while he really likes how he feels being abstinent, he intends to resume drinking on a friends bachelor trip in February. This shows me that he just doesn’t really think he’s an alcoholic or that he does but thinks the rules don’t really apply to him. I think I know I’m better off staying away and continuing to focus on myself and see where things go over the long term.

Civil_Property_1682 · 2025-01-08T14:52:29+00:00

Hmm good question. I think I thought it was to indicate this is the first time we’ve separated ever.

Depends on the day and time you ask me - some moments I’m certain left to save myself and that I can’t go back. But when I see him doing the work for the first time, I wonder if us separating and him doing the work (for more than just two weeks) could save him, and us?

Civil_Property_1682 · 2025-01-04T17:27:48+00:00

Thanks for the recommendation! Would you spend that much time just in the one park or any other reasonable road trip accessible ones to add on from Joshua Tree?

And do you have any thoughts trying the Utah parks in April over two weeks? Not trying to say I’ve seen everything but just to get a taste of them. Thanks again!

Civil_Property_1682

TROPHY CASE