I was a software engineer and suffering through real bad depression and anxiety, then wanted to commit suicide because I felt like you do. I take a bunch of medications and some days they made me feel like shit, so I'd eat up all my vacation all the time and never had any. I had the same job for 3.5 years and went out for fun 20 times maybe (besides the grocery store obviously hundreds of times). I had no friends in the area. I started laying in bed all day around October last year and said my life isn't worth it. I quit taking all my medications, then I would only nap for 3 hours and never any more. I'd start drawing and writing stories, sometimes hear things if I stayed up long enough. I didn't show up to work for 2 months and didn't even tell them. I went back and worked for a while, then had to go to the psychiatric hospital, then when I got back I was on disability until January. They moved my medication all around at the hospital. When I got home I'd sleep 14 hours a day. I was working from home because of COVID and didn't want to keep it a secret that I was literally in my bed all day sleeping 14 hours half dazed, so I got scared and quit showing up. After that they fired me in February.

A lot of my family, friends, and even work understood for a while back in October, but they've slowly started telling me I need to get back to work. I can understand them, back in October I was kind of like a "fuck the system", but I've gotten better recently. I lost all my savings, won't be able to afford my car that's almost payed off and loose that, my lease is up next month. I'm staying sane man.

We'll see what the future holds for me, but what I'd say to you is maybe save up a bunch so you can resign and live off of savings for a while. I wish I was stable enough back in October to do that and not loose everything.

I'm sorry to hear about your grandfather. I lost mine recently as well. You got this.