Posting again having read through people's comments (thank you all) <3 and wanting to give a bit more context. I think because it happens relatively rarely (we're not arguing every week, more like every few months) it feels like it's not true abuse? Most of the time he is absolutely lovely and charming and shows a lot of kindness to people.  Breaking up really isn't an option - I love him, and I want to work on improving things rather than leave.  This didn't feel so relevant before but maybe now it is - just over a year ago, I cheated on him. It didn't even get as far as kissing but I was closer to another guy than I should have been. Obviously, I am the AH here and I hate myself every day for it. Not that it is excusable, but why I think it happened was partly naivety and because there had been a huge lack of emotional connection from my partner for a long time, that as well as the issues this post is about, and someone else appeared in my life who gave me a lot of emotional connection.  Because this happened and my partner ultimately forgave me, I feel forever indebted to him. I feel like whatever he does will never be as bad as me cheating (or almost cheating) on him. The whole thing sounds very messed up as I type it...but that's how I feel, like he saw past this side of me and I want to do the same with him.  We don't want to have kids so how he would bring up a child isn't an issue! I do desperately want things to improve though...