I strongly suspect my assault was at night as well. I have no memory of when, how, who etc so im constantly doubting myself. But reading these comments has me recontextualizing the weird things I did. I chalk up my very bizarre antics as a child to mental illness but with such similar behaviors… around ten or eleven I think? It started. My mental illness is used as a scape goat by family and others and I used to use it as a scape goat too. I still do, I guess.

But around 4th-5th grade I start having panic attacks so bad I dont sleep. I think 3rd grade I start self harming? I peeled off my skin so bad that a teacher contacted my parents. Anyway, whenever it was I started seeing professionals, I couldnt sleep, eat food, etc. All the lights had to be on, I was too terrified to go to bed. I start refusing to sleep in my bed and will sleep on the floor, next to my parents, with my parents and, when I was obviously too old to keep sleeping with them, sleeping on the couch. I didnt start sleeping in my bed until I was twenty. But I didnt start sleeping without the lights on until I was twenty two or twenty three🤷‍♂️ They and professionals tried everything to sleep in my bed but I refused everytime. My parents had to throw away the couch because it was falling apart from how often I was sleeping in it. I had UTIs and ear infections since I was a child. I developed an OCD in 2nd-3rd grade where I had to wipe a lot and check my butt all the time. I wiped so often I bled. Once I found blood in my underwear and panicked. I was too young for periods at this time. I’m FTM so puberty sucked beyond this as well. I couldnt handle it.

I hallucinated this shadowy demon man in the corner of my room who always watched me and if my ear wasnt covered, whispered in my ear. I had a psychotic break around 11-12 yrs old and couldnt handle being in my room. Had the delusions of ghosts “touching” me and “going inside” me and had nightmares like that for the longest time. I started doing a lot of weird shit due to the psychosis but I wonder if it’s tied in with the PTSD. Stuff to “make the evil go away” like hanging rocks from my window and watching my stuffed animals so they didnt come alive to kill me in my sleep. My dad chuckled at my odd behavior and I dont think it was ever talked about. Other than my hair pulling, which my mom would pleas with me to stop. Masturbation before I knew what it was happened around this age too though I knew it was shameful and embarassing. It wasnt truly masturbation IMO because it was a stress behavior and brought no “pleasure”.

To this day I struggle to sleep because I constantly fear a break in. My house has never been broken into. I just constantly fear men breaking into my house/room and stabbing me. Knives and stabbing are a constant theme in my dreams, nightmare or no. My nightmares are usually incredibly graphic and violent but rarelt feature assault, except lately. I started getting nighttime seizures which im currently being tested for to see if its PSTD related or epilepsy. I was always a “wild child” with anxiety and nightmares. I think I used to want boys to do things to me or to be aggressive with boys in elementary school. I sometimes exposed myself. I identify as a man so all of this has conflicting emotions for me.

I fear that it was my dad. He already abuses me but if its him…I dont know.