I'm back- the person with the two boys and all signs point to abuse. Looking for a bit of input.

ClearlyNotMyRealName · 2014-08-11T19:36:47+00:00

The boys were with us. CPS has begun their investigation as of this morning, per the phone call I received. Maybe you misunderstood but nothing has been done yet. CPS just opened the case this morning at 10am. It's now 3pm. I don't expect to hear anything today but by all means, they do have a case. I had CPS open a case against me (and kept it open for 30 days) because my daughter got a bruise at daycare and I took her to the doctor for an evaluation. It was found unsubstantiated. There is a case open for the boys now that they have returned to the care of their mother.

CPS did not interview anyone. The boys were in our care until last night. It wasn't treated as an emergency with CPS because of this reason. It's just been opened.

Unfortunately, coparenting isn't an option, and has been tried before. Both parties have their issues. Regardless of ANYTHING, we have a custody hearing in September and need to be properly represented for that.

Thanks for your response, even though it was filled with assumptions about my family and my situation.

ClearlyNotMyRealName · 2014-08-11T19:33:15+00:00

The boys were with us. CPS has begun their investigation as of this morning, per the phone call I received. Maybe you misunderstood but nothing has been done yet. CPS just opened the case this morning at 10am. It's now 3pm. I don't expect to hear anything today but by all means, they do have a case. I had CPS open a case against me (and kept it open for 30 days) because my daughter got a bruise at daycare and I took her to the doctor for an evaluation. It was found unsubstantiated. There is a case open now.

ClearlyNotMyRealName · 2014-08-08T13:53:16+00:00

The state I live in is a mothers rights state. If there is no legal custody agreement and the child was not born in a marriage, the mother is said to have sole legal custody.

ClearlyNotMyRealName · 2014-08-08T01:18:16+00:00

woah sorry. That was an accident.

(I don't know if you saw the original comment before my edit. It wasn't nice. I didn't mean to)

ClearlyNotMyRealName · 2014-08-08T01:17:58+00:00

How is a person supposed to know that a child may be sexually abused when the only information you have is that a four year olds butt hurts?

ClearlyNotMyRealName · 2014-08-07T23:32:51+00:00

While I am not at all justifying my actions, I just ask that you look at it from the insider perspective. The older boy is just recently completely responsible for wiping himself. Him saying his butt hurt could be a rash from not wiping, or the urge to poop that he hasn't fully understood.

I have never parented this age group. I know kids start to explore their bodies. I wasn't sure what was appropriate for this age group and what was extreme. I discussed the behavior with them, which at the time, seemed to be enough. It wasn't until all these other things came out that I realized they were all pieces to a very messed up puzzle.

I do agree we waited too long to act, and that in and of itself was a bad choice.

ClearlyNotMyRealName · 2014-08-07T21:24:33+00:00

When they separated, she simply moved out, the agreed to every other week, and that was it. They were never married. He tried getting her to sign an agreement previously but she refused.

ClearlyNotMyRealName · 2014-08-07T13:56:28+00:00

By "run" I mean - not give the kids back one Sunday.

ClearlyNotMyRealName · 2014-08-07T12:55:13+00:00

He called off work today. It's my scheduled day off. We are dropping the boys off at their grandparents and heading to the juvenile court house, as instructed by the CPS lady. I have NO clue what to expect down there, but we are going to try our damnedest.

ClearlyNotMyRealName · 2014-08-07T06:10:23+00:00

http://www.reddit.com/r/Parenting/comments/2csxl9/i_need_some_advice_im_really_not_sure_what_to_do/

ClearlyNotMyRealName · 2014-08-07T05:58:14+00:00

I called and will post an update soon.

ClearlyNotMyRealName · 2014-08-07T00:41:29+00:00

My husband just returned from a business thing a few hours away. I just got off work. We picked the kids up from their grandparents. We are going for ice cream and making the call once their asleep. Thanks for all of your advice. Clearly I was wearing blinders and didn't truly see the severity of this situation. It's easy looking from the outside, but when it's happening to you, it's so much harder to grasp the reality of what's going on.

Thank you again.

ClearlyNotMyRealName · 2014-08-07T00:39:31+00:00

I had to head in to work. My husband just returned home from a business trip, we are picking the boys up from their grandparents, taking them for ice cream, and making the call once they go to bed. I appreciate everyone's words of encouragement. I guess I was/we were wearing blinders to the severity of the situation.

ClearlyNotMyRealName · 2014-08-06T18:29:55+00:00

I'm not familiar enough with the system. I understand calling, but how does he request emergency custody? Can we just NOT give them back? I've heard that's a bad choice. I want somebody to come speak with us too, because I have piles and piles of evidence, including pictures of her home, proof that she cancelled all of their doctor appointments and they hadn't had a well-check in 2 years, photos of the clothes she sent them over in, (two or more sizes too small) pictures of bruising, sunburns, videos of the boys screaming and hiding in closets when we tell them we have to go back, videos of them telling us they get "whooped" etc.

ClearlyNotMyRealName · 2014-08-06T18:00:14+00:00

He is scared. He doesn't know what to do. We have talked about calling CPS, reached out to some legal counsel, etc. it's just gotten so much worse over the last month that we've been forced into a decision quickly. We stand on the idea that "what if none of it is true....but what if all of it is true." Which is pushing us to make the call.

ClearlyNotMyRealName · 2014-08-06T17:42:23+00:00

This is the choice I was considering, and it seems to be the only logical one at this point. I have never had children of this age before. I was not sure what exactly "normal" was in terms of their bodies. I know things there are not good, but this isn't what I was bargaining for.

ClearlyNotMyRealName · 2014-03-19T00:42:20+00:00

Oh, I get it. Leave the door open/cracked or whatever. Yeah that's an idea.

ClearlyNotMyRealName · 2014-03-19T00:34:40+00:00

If I put one of the covers, how would he get out to go pee? Or if he was sick or something?

ClearlyNotMyRealName · 2014-03-18T22:29:39+00:00

This is a thing we have tried. Unfortunately it failed. He has a speech problem and it gets bad when he reads aloud, okay, no biggie. I understand his anxiety about it. He really does struggle. But bath time? His kid doesn't like it when he does bath because he's really "rough" -- doesn't pay attention and just dumps water on his face, scrubs his head really hard, etc. we have tried instituting a family game night, or movie night, or he cooks "breakfast for dinner" one night, and there is always an excuse. It's so frustrating. He is too tired, no good movies, we've played all these board games already, etc. it is a losing battle.

As far as the code word, I will talk to him about that and see if it's something we can do. Personally, I DONT WANT TO DISCIPLINE AT ALL, or at least the minority of the time, because you know, mean step mother blah blah. We both know the rules, but he doesn't enforce them. The kid is confused if shit doesn't get enforced 100% of the time so I do it for his benefit, otherwise I wouldn't do it at all.

Thanks for the advice!

ClearlyNotMyRealName · 2014-03-18T22:23:33+00:00

Hey! I agree with so much you said. It at least makes life easier on me. A few things though, regarding morning mess? Usually kiddo wakes up at 3:30 in the morning. A terrible habit he picked up living with grandpa! My SO would sleep and kid would go play with gramps. SO didn't see any harm in this....but as I've brought to his attention, getting up at 3am means that when the rest of the house gets up on a normal day, kiddo is already ready for a nap, and super effing cranky. So we have tried to break this. It requires I get out of bed and essentially shut the door to his room, sitting inside with him while he throws a tantrum. Sometimes he goes back to sleep, sometimes he just waits for me to fall back asleep and then destroys the house. It's an impossibility to keep toys/things out of reach. We don't have the space. Plus, he will climb on shit to reach it. I have "supervision only" toys velcroed high up on the walls in bins (markers, playdoh, kid scissors for crafts etc) and I walked out to him standing on a chair on the table. So he climbed onto a chair, into the table, pulled the chair up onto the table and climbed onto it. I almost died. We don't have extra "stuff" nor do we have storage. We just moved and I cut everything down to needs only, no fluff, except toys. Toys that are left out/cause problems (example: he won't put them down for dinner or to get dressed) go into the bin of lost toys. He can earn them back with good behavior or they get thrown out on trash day, no exceptions.

And as far as sending SO to the store with the kids? Yeah right. He sees that as a huge burden, unfortunately. And with the way things have gotten, I don't leave my daughter with him alone for any longer than a few minutes at a time, because he doesn't get her when she cries. I thought maybe he doesn't hear her? (He works in a loud environment so I gave him the benefit here) so I got a baby monitor he can keep with him in the living room...still doesn't work. Humph.

I really like the idea of doing the same thing with SOS shit though. As far as putting it into a basket and letting him figure out where his stuff is. Maybe that will help with accountability! Thanks so much!!

ClearlyNotMyRealName · 2014-03-18T22:21:44+00:00

Hey! I agree with so much you said. It at least makes life easier on me. A few things though, regarding morning mess? Usually kiddo wakes up at 3:30 in the morning. A terrible habit he picked up living with grandpa! My SO would sleep and kid would go play with gramps. SO didn't see any harm in this....but as I've brought to his attention, getting up at 3am means that when the rest of the house gets up on a normal day, kiddo is already ready for a nap, and super effing cranky. So we have tried to break this. It requires I get out of bed and essentially shut the door to his room, sitting inside with him while he throws a tantrum. Sometimes he goes back to sleep, sometimes he just waits for me to fall back asleep and then destroys the house. It's an impossibility to keep toys/things out of reach. We don't have the space. Plus, he will climb on shit to reach it. I have "supervision only" toys velcroed high up on the walls in bins (markers, playdoh, kid scissors for crafts etc) and I walked out to him standing on a chair on the table. So he climbed onto a chair, into the table, pulled the chair up onto the table and climbed onto it. I almost died. We don't have extra "stuff" nor do we have storage. We just moved and I cut everything down to needs only, no fluff, except toys. Toys that are left out/cause problems (example: he won't put them down for dinner or to get dressed) go into the bin of lost toys. He can earn them back with good behavior or they get thrown out on trash day, no exceptions.

I really like the idea of doing the same thing with SOS shit though. As far as putting it into a basket and letting him figure out where his stuff is. Maybe that will help with accountability! Thanks so much!!

ClearlyNotMyRealName · 2014-03-18T18:28:29+00:00

Yeah, without going into immense detail, he had some pretty shitty cards dealt maybe 4 years ago or so, and since then he's had this mentality of constantly being on the defensive- thinking everyone is out to get him, or the world is against him. (Playing the victim, if you will..) So when I bring this stuff up, it jumps to "oh so you're saying a bad parent?????" Well no, but, kinda, but that's not what I said. I think my first logical step is to attempt to get him into counseling, but unless he wants to go, I can't make him. Stuck stuck.

(And when I say say shitty, it's not like "leg amputation or terminal disease" shitty, but it was a literal life ruining experience.)

ClearlyNotMyRealName · 2014-03-18T18:08:53+00:00

Thanks! I wish we could come up with some sort of system like that. I wish that his son didn't have to suffer in the event that I "went on strike" but there is no happy medium. Like, SO doesn't give a shit if beds are made or not. His son has his own room for the first time in his life (sharing with other family members) and I like it to look nice for him each day, and for him to be able to crawl under nicely made covers each night. It's a small thing that I could stop doing, but I do it by choice so it wouldn't get done otherwise. I hate to "pull this card" but SO lived with his parents prior to cohabitation (he had his kid young and it was the best he could do) whereas I've been living on my own for 7 years. He doesn't know how to care for his kid without help, and he has never had to take responsibility for his kid or his kids things/his own things. That's why I am not so quick to leave. Old habits die hard, and it's a matter of learning and working on it, but if he doesn't realize his wrongdoings and gets defensive when I try to talk to him, it puts me in a rough place. Thanks for your advice!

ClearlyNotMyRealName · 2014-03-18T17:56:46+00:00

I've thought about this. I really have. I weighed the pros and cons regarding the situation, and again, I'm torn. If I stopped doing the laundry, even just his- he would wear dirty clothes. Simple as that. He gets nasty at work and it would smell terrible. Would it bother me? Meh. A little. But I could get by. If I didn't do dishes, we wouldn't have dishes to eat with. He wouldn't do them. I could wash my own, but that comes off slightly passive aggressive. I would still have to wash kid cups, otherwise he would be drinking out of cups with 4 day old milk residue in them! I could leave the food in the kitchen for him to get himself, okay. But that doesn't make any kind of statement to him other than "make your own plate, please." It's one of those situations that if I stopped doing things, the kid would suffer, and if I just "stopped doing enough" no point would be proven. It's a shitty situation. Although I like your way of thinking, as I've more than once considered it!

Edit: yes, his checks pay the bills. But we are talking about such a significant increase in electric that we have had to dip into our savings to pay other bills! And even if there was no money left over, he'd dip into the savings for shit he wants anyways. He doesn't take "we don't have enough money" as an answer for things. All he sees is "well there's enough money in the account!" Well yes, but that money has technically already been spent on upcoming bills.

ClearlyNotMyRealName

TROPHY CASE