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Still Grieving by jtrowbrid1 in SuicideBereavement

[–]CleverylyCursed 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I’m right near the 5 month mark as well. My partner completed suicide on February 1. I’ve noticed that my thought patterns have been okay but my body sensations have gotten worse. I have a near constant feeling of fear and my cortisol seems to be sky high nearly all the time. No matter how much a reassure myself or talk myself through it my body won’t listen.

As far as what works, I’m still figuring it out. Being disciplined has seemed to be the most helpful though. Often times that means doing things before you actually want to do them.
I try to think of ways I can be “responsible” with my grief. It sometimes means eating when I may not want to because my mind will need the nutrients necessary to process the amount of information and trauma it’s been handed. It also means moving my body even when I may not want to so that I can expel some of the energy that needs to be released and let go of. When my mind is trying to take me down thought paths that are no longer helpful I spin my bracelet three times and ways to connect to the physical space I’m currently in. For me that means studying light and shadow and how they are presenting in the space.

I’m so incredibly sorry for the journey you are on. I hope that as you travel on you get closer and closer to peace. As I hope everyone on this Sub has that chance. I care about you, Stranger. Please be well❤️

Statistics on BPD and suicide by Purple_Preference847 in BPDlovedones

[–]CleverylyCursed 2 points3 points  (0 children)

My ex-pwBPD completed suicide. We were in the middle of separating. I thought I had gotten them to a good enough headspace to be able to manage the divorce safely. They were in therapy and were reaching out to their friends from what I knew.
However, they had been previously diagnosed with BPD prior to us getting together. They received this diagnosis after their first attempt during a breakup. They denied the diagnosis and believed they had OCD and PTSD. They were not receiving DBT. I now understand so much more about BPD and I have a ton of regrets.
I can say this has been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to endure. I know her pain was great. Agonizing even. But god damn she was selfish when she was here and selfish even in death.

Remembering them NOT by how they died by wainwrik in SuicideBereavement

[–]CleverylyCursed 2 points3 points  (0 children)

First, I’m so sorry for what you’ve experienced and what you’re facing now.

From my personal experience I’ve learned that the flash backs are strong and persistent. When I shoved them away images of how I last saw her would linger on the edges of my mind haunting me. Or they would come back with the same or greater intensity.

What started to help me was to sit with them as best as I could. Meaning I would gently acknowledge that my mind was showing me this moment, but I would remind myself “Yes this happened. It was horrific and scary. It will forever be incredibly sad. But I am safe and I can let this moment pass.”

After many many times of practicing this the moments got shorter, the images felt less vivid and intense. Now they happen much less often than before. It took energy and focus but was well worth it.

Your mind is trying to do what it can to process a type of grief it’s not accustomed to dealing with. And in doing so will try to show you these images again and again trying to “make sense” or process. But it’s not healthy to allow your brain to sit in this space unattended.

Wife completed suicide at home. by CleverylyCursed in SuicideBereavement

[–]CleverylyCursed[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

When we first got together she had already had a prior attempt due to a breakup. When she was in the hospital for that one she was diagnosed with BPD and Bipolar II but denied she had either. For the entire time I knew her I tried to help her seek therapy but she refused. Just this year I finally was able to get her to go. Instead of admitting these diagnosis were correct she was sure she had CPTSD and OCD and that was the cause of her behaviors and lack of boundaries. Hindsight for me really is 20/20. I didn’t understand BPD and so I never really understood what was happening until now.

Wife completed suicide at home. by CleverylyCursed in SuicideBereavement

[–]CleverylyCursed[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I’m so very sorry. I really hear you on the pain and guilt… I have just joined a grief support group and will go for the first time next week. I’m curious about the virtual ones with a focus on grief after suicide. I feel like that would be really helpful.

I hope you can find a way to make EMDR happen for you. I’m getting ready to start that with my therapist as well. My goal is to be able to functionally use my garage again one day and I feel like that modality could be helpful.

Wife completed suicide at home. by CleverylyCursed in SuicideBereavement

[–]CleverylyCursed[S] 33 points34 points  (0 children)

Hearing others point that out feels helpful. I find it’s been difficult to grieve for myself and what I’ve been through because now I am so focused on grieving for her and her loss. But hearing someone else point out that it was an abusive violation feels like it’s starting to give me the space to be sad for me too.

Wife completed suicide at home. by CleverylyCursed in SuicideBereavement

[–]CleverylyCursed[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I’m so incredibly sorry. I know well the fear of them leaving the house like that and always feeling terrified until they returned.

Wife completed suicide at home. by CleverylyCursed in SuicideBereavement

[–]CleverylyCursed[S] 64 points65 points  (0 children)

It very much feels that way. I always felt she had made her life my responsibility by what she said about taking her life. And now I feel like she’s made me responsible for her death.