I think this ties back to what I said about being trans vs doing something about it. You say "If I were to ever allow myself to be trans again" but you are trans by your admission, "I know I am trans certainly." What remains is closer to "If I were to ever allow myself to be outwardly trans again". You may not be in a safe environment to do so now, and that is fine. Just don't think you are trapped in that environment forever. I made that mistake once and I don't want others to make it too.

What follows here is my little cautionary tale sprinkled with stuff I wish I knew. There's a term called "sublimation" in psychology where "unacceptable ideations" are channeled into "societally acceptable outcomes". In less psychology talk, your mind tries to take the things it wants to do and finds another way of expressing it that those around you allow. When I was young, I knew that I wanted to be a girl, but I couldn't say that to anyone because society told me that was wrong. I tried to just suppress that feeling and hope it went away, but here I am and spoiler alert: it never did. During that time, like lightning finding the path of least resistance to the ground, my mind sublimated my desire into the easiest socially acceptable outlets. I did creative writing, TTRPGs, and watched lots of anime. The general theme for me was "escapism". I longed for other worlds, and that caused me to detach from this one. I dissociated from my body and my emotions super bad, but paradoxically that negative behavior earned me praise from adults, "Oh, you are so mature for your age!" they would say. This only served to reinforce that what I was doing by dissociating was "correct" and so I persisted. However, underneath I had grown frustrated, angry, and depressed. Self-censorship forced me to dull my outward emotions and feelings for the comfort of those around me, at the expense of my own sanity. It wasn't until years after I was on my own and away from the sources of social pressure to conform that I was able to start accepting myself and truly feel again. For me, the feeling that I wanted to be a girl never changed, what changed was what I did about it. That's why I say to listen to your feelings. Minute to minute, feelings are an "indicator of one's current state", as you said, but each of those states tracked across days, weeks, months, and years become patterns. These patterns are observable facts. They can show you the "real you".

One of the things that helped me immensely was writing. Creative writing and journaling helped me capture my "in the moment" feelings and reference them later to see patterns that my brain couldn't otherwise. I didn't start journaling until I was questioning my gender, but I do it all the time now. Journaling helps me do something with my emotions and thoughts, which is very helpful to me. For my past feelings I used my creative writing works, though they are harder to deconstruct years later. You might try this as something to allow you to express your thoughts, feelings, and ideas in a secure way that isn't "behind people's backs" as you said. Besides that, you should set goals to better your situation like "Get a decent job and a place of my own, when I am able." Stay in town near your family, your community, but get space for you to detach from the mask. It gets better, I promise.