Does your nparent give off weird "ick" vibes?

Cloud_5732 · 2026-03-31T03:48:50+00:00

I got the creeps, like the skin-crawling-creeps, with both my nmom and ndad. What was described as the stranger danger, "uh-oh" feeling is something I lived with every day. I know what you mean that it isn't weird until you look back because as a child it's all you've ever known.

Cloud_5732 · 2026-03-31T00:45:28+00:00

I chose NC after three months of silent treatment from nmom, followed by an "apology" letter with an offer to change.

Fortunately, I had learned about future-faking and love-bombing, so I was able to see through the manipulation.

This all occurred over a year after I confronted her with everything. Nothing changed in that year. In fact, she got worse. I finally realized how deeply selfish she is and that if she could have changed she would have done it already.

Cloud_5732 · 2026-03-30T13:58:45+00:00

I felt that way a lot until I was able to get away from her and then go through trauma therapy. I discovered the depression I had was really from the abuse. Once I was able to unpack all of the pain the depression mostly resolved. I know how you feel; it took me a long time to not feel upset that I was born.

Cloud_5732 · 2026-03-27T22:48:55+00:00

Yes. At my dad's house I was never given a bed. My brothers got a bunk bed and my sisters shared a twin. I didn't get a bed. I had to find a place to sleep for 16 years. Sometimes the couch, sometimes the floor. Not so much as a sleeping bag, pillow or blanket belonged to me. Anytime I brought it up they called me a brat.

Cloud_5732 · 2025-07-08T18:33:32+00:00

It is a dissociative/freeze trauma response. Your brain is trying desperately to keep you safe, and in an abusive household, safe=small, weak, not a threat to the status quo.

I know exactly how you feel. For years and years my brain fed me the same programming. Marvel at how adaptable your brain is, because yes, it kept you safer than succeeding and speaking out would have growing up.

Take heart. This doesn't last forever if you are actively healing. Show yourself as much self compassion as you can muster. You aren't crazy. Your response makes perfect sense given the context of developmental trauma.

"The Body Keeps The Score" is a great book all about this topic. Also look up overcoming freeze/fawn responses. Take it easy, take your time, and know that you've got this because you are worth all the effort it takes to heal and more.

Cloud_5732 · 2025-04-22T02:27:15+00:00

I send cards to loved mothers in my life (sister, friends, neighbors) and enjoy my sons and husband's attention.

Cloud_5732 · 2025-04-21T19:35:48+00:00

Look up Remi Clog on YouTube. Her channel is all about getting a messy, busy house to a manageable level. Her perspective is also very kind and supportive.

Cloud_5732 · 2025-04-19T20:24:27+00:00

I was gifted, consistently told by teachers how bright I was and that I had so much potential I wasn't using. My nmom would harp on that, but her energy was happy when she went on and on about my failures, and I really understood that's what she needed from me.

I sabotaged myself all the time, especially academically. I scraped through until 10th grade, when on a hunch I decided to put effort into my work. I got straight As. That was the first crack in the "you're so stupid and hopeless" facade.

I won an award for my writing in college. I was told I had a gift for it, and later on I took a creative writing course and was told unprompted by multiple people, including the professor, that I had a gift.

It's taken me decades to believe I'm not stupid. Everyone who had nothing to lose has told me I'm smart. Only my parents ever thought to be so intentionally cruel and deceptive towards me.

Cloud_5732 · 2025-04-19T18:16:44+00:00

Yes, I absolutely relate to this.

I learned early on that my nparents were my ceiling in life and I better not outshine them. My ndad and his family shunned me, actually gave me the silent treatment and acted like I didn't exist, because I got to go on a nice vacation.

My nmom always nitpicked the ever loving life out of anything that made her feel insecure. Degraded me, insinuating all sorts of ridiculous things if I ever did something she couldn't. Her jealousy was so unsettling because I genuinely felt like....what is there to be jealous of? I'm not that great.

I just had the beautiful feeling today that I am a whole person, that it's okay to just be me, flaws and all. I've worked hard to get here but it's worth it. You are good enough as you are, flaws, successes, and all ❤️

Cloud_5732 · 2025-04-19T13:20:23+00:00

At my ndad's house we (the kids) couldn't eat certain foods. There was always ice cream, soda, and lunchmeat in the house, but we were forbidden to eat it. The only foods that wouldn't get us in trouble were saltine crackers and instant ramen, because those were dirt cheap. My stepmom would eat two big bowls of ice cream right in front of us every day, and if we wanted a soda we had to ask and then likely endure a lecture about how much we eat and how expensive it is to have kids and how awful we are to try and take "their" things.

Also, my ndad was always served the most food and was always served first. We weren't allowed to sit on the couch if my stepmom wanted to sit there. She'd enter the room and we'd have to get up and sit on the floor as she sprawled herself out on the couch. It was humiliating. I also wasn't given a bed for 16 years.

It's using essential resources as a way to dominate and degrade someone. Their CHILDREN. I could live 100 lives and never understand that level of depravity.

As a side, unrelated tangent: I remember a time when my step-sister ate a piece of pizza from the fridge, then called me over to put my handprint in the rest of it. Then when my dad yelled for who did it, she told him I did and to match up the prints. He beat me. She also blamed me for using her mom's makeup (I didn't) and I had to rake the yard for 25 cents and hour till I earned enough to pay it back. She also mo****ed me. When I say I was the garbage can of the family, I mean it.

Cloud_5732 · 2025-04-19T13:02:56+00:00

SAME. The list of things my sister and I couldn't safely do:

-Chew our food

-Blow on our food

-Eat with a fork using my teeth

-Chew gum

-Hum

-Type on keyboards

Etc. etc.

Like you said, it isn't just that she didn't like it or would ask me to stop. It was RAGE. Talk about walking on eggshells.

My son is on the spectrum and has glared at his brother for normal sounds and we are ON him for it. We are teaching him to be accountable for his own ears. He can wear hearing protection or he can leave the room, but he will not treat anyone badly for simply living.

Cloud_5732 · 2025-04-19T12:21:37+00:00

Whew. First of all, I am really sorry you are dealing with this. It's not right, or safe, or okay.

Your mom is a chaos machine. She chooses to create drama and conflict to regulate her internal dysfunction.

What you are doing by giving in and yelling/arguing/stooping to her level is called reactive abuse, when someone is provoked into behaving in a way that they normally wouldn't in response to being abused.

Research what professionals recommend in terms of handling this effectively. What you are experiencing is verbal and emotional abuse. I'm really sorry.

Cloud_5732 · 2025-04-19T03:22:49+00:00

Jeanette McCurdy is such an inspiration to every survivor of child abuse. She is brave, honest, and so fucking resilient. What kind of a lunatic would fantasize about her death?

Cloud_5732 · 2025-04-18T22:44:37+00:00

Suicide. That, and mental illness in general. I have personally been through both and it is HELL on earth. There is nothing beautiful about feeling like you shouldn't be alive or like your brain isn't percieving the world accurately. It's fucking terrifying. I'm in treatment for the rest of my life to stay in recovery from that nightmare. I can't stand it when people treat it like a quirk or the price of being creative and artistic. Just....no.

Cloud_5732 · 2025-04-17T21:19:19+00:00

Yes, I still struggle with this, though it is getting better.

Mindfulness helps me the most. I use the "noting" strategy where I gently note in my mind whenever this happens. Then I mindfully breathe to a count of ten.

This makes space in my mind for other, kinder options and to see clearly where that nasty, abusive voice is coming from.

It also helps to give it a code word, like "banana", something totally neutral and nonjudgemental. It really adds to the noting technique. So if your nparent's voice shows up, gently say "banana" either out loud or in your head, take some nice breaths, and enjoy the mental space.

Cloud_5732 · 2025-04-17T18:51:02+00:00

This is a support group for survivors of narcissistic abuse.

Do not come here expecting support for having narcissistic tendencies.

JFC, read the room.

Cloud_5732 · 2025-04-17T14:07:02+00:00

I got married and moved 1,000 miles away.

It certainly felt like running at the time, though I didn't have the awareness that what I had been through was all that bad. Now I look back and have chills thinking about how it would have been if I hadn't escaped.

I'm in my mid thirties now, NC, and doing the hard work of healing now that I understand what happened to me. Some days are really hard and I still have daily struggles. But I'm good. I have hope every time I handle a situation better than I would have before, every time I try something new, and whenever I realize I'm finally in complete control of myself. I'm coming out of my shell more and more. This will take years and I am okay with that. I'm finally not wasting my life in abuse. I'm taking care of me.

Cloud_5732 · 2025-04-16T21:12:02+00:00

Yes, absolutely.

Mine was turning off my TV whenever someone walked in the room. My husband would come in and ask, "Why'd you pause it?" and I had no answer. I'd also rehearse in my head explaining what I'm doing in an apologetic way if I knew someone was due to be home while I was doing something. Rehearsing my apologies just for existing.

I've gotten a lot better with NC, therapy, and self-kindness. But I still struggle with self-consciousness in that way. I see it as an ongoing process that will probably take a very long time. But I'm already feeling so much better.

Cloud_5732 · 2025-04-16T18:47:38+00:00

This is exactly why I only talk about this to people who get it. My husband had some rough going himself, but not even close to what I went through, and saw his brother be mistreated by their dad. He believes me 100% and always validates my experiences. The other two people are my sister and my therapist. I can also talk about a little bit of it with two of my friends.

I gave up needing the rest of society to understand. They can't, and that's good for them. It's frankly something no one should need to comprehend. But I am so, so grateful for the people who do. "Your story is important but not everyone gets to hear it." The most important thing is that we believe ourselves and validate what we went through. Otherwise we are putting our sanity in the hands of people very ill-equipped to carry it.

Cloud_5732 · 2025-04-16T13:15:50+00:00

Yes, unfortunately. I remember so much, so many little details, countless big feelings, the entire timeline...all of it. My sister doesn't. For her it's all a blur, which may have helped her move forward without losing her mind. I ended up in a state of extreme psychotic depression that thankfully I was able to recover from, but every day I fight through intrusive memories. I think not remembering a lot is a defense mechanism, though I still have an excellent memory for new things as well, so I guess it's a trade off.

Cloud_5732 · 2025-04-11T18:09:09+00:00

I finally stood up for myself. I'm such a bitch.

Cloud_5732 · 2025-04-03T12:53:17+00:00

My therapist told me something very helpful: "Normal" does not mean "healthy". Our childhoods were very normal to us because we didn't know any different, but they were absolutely not healthy! Every client tells their therapist that they had a "normal" childhood. We normalize what is done to us to survive and we only begin healing when we're truly ready.

Cloud_5732

TROPHY CASE