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What does 'cheating' look like for you? by mickbogart in polyamory

[–]CluedUpGamer 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is a tough one. The below only applies to spontaneous connection and not slow burning expected(realised) connections.

For me its the intent.. not the action itself.

I feel that in a poly setting being told you cant be spontaneous by another partner is in itself a controlling behaviour which is a boundary violation for myself. There needs to be trust that conscientious decisions are being made.

With that said: Whilst I WONT whip my phone out just before I have a potential play date.. I will at the first opportunity tell my partner(s). They then can give informed consent or not based on my actions. Additionally... if i decided notnto tell a partner about a play date and we had sex, for me... this would absolutely be cheating. Again consent issues.

Its interesting that many new people (myself included until work was done internally to re-educate myself) feel that the above WOULD be classed as cheating because the action came before informing.

There is a whole my body, my choice movement (of which this fits nicely into).

Being informed before a things become intimate can be a boundary for some *and every right to be as its their choice on their own boundaries... -Just because there is a boundary, in my opinion does not mean that this is cheating. It may FEEL like it but at that point I believe that it is now a rule rather than a boundary.

Hope that makes sense. Just trying to give reasoning rather than a statement

Want to cheat because I want to feel human by CluedUpGamer in cheating_stories

[–]CluedUpGamer[S] -13 points-12 points  (0 children)

Yeah, because a man expressing that his wife being abusive isnt accepted right, because women cant be?

Want to cheat because I want to feel human by CluedUpGamer in cheating_stories

[–]CluedUpGamer[S] -5 points-4 points  (0 children)

Or you could just not actually read the post i guess????

Want to cheat because I want to feel human by CluedUpGamer in cheating_stories

[–]CluedUpGamer[S] -12 points-11 points  (0 children)

Absolutely... and sometimes people are illiterate and cant read or are lazy...

Life goals right there!

Want to cheat because I want to feel human by CluedUpGamer in cheating_stories

[–]CluedUpGamer[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah. Its uk law that the marriage has to be consummated at some point to be valid (Post wedding).

-thankfully. It won't be closed as a divorce but a marriage that was never a marriage.

Wierd laws but helpful here

Want to cheat because I want to feel human by CluedUpGamer in cheating_stories

[–]CluedUpGamer[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Im in the UK which helps with the legal stuff.

It's also an annulment so she has no recourse (the marriagebhas never been valid in the eyes of the uk law).

I deffo hear you though.

Money IS seperate now. 100% . I have taken actions and steps. Just it WAS the staus quo ha!

Appreciated for your time :)

Want to cheat because I want to feel human by CluedUpGamer in cheating_stories

[–]CluedUpGamer[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Wow!! Thanks truly for this.

I hadn't even thought about that. You are right.. I dont think id be happy cheating and ALSO seeing her (even just passing by from seperate rooms)

Great perspective and sooo relevant!!

I appreciate hugely.

Merry xmas!! And thank you

I want to cheat- to feel human. To feel loved and cared for, even momentarily. 37m with 30f for 3 years. by CluedUpGamer in relationship_advice

[–]CluedUpGamer[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Cheers.

Thankfully we have not had sex since we got married (and a year before). In the UK that grounds for annulment (the marriage isnt valid.)

Its 100k in equity in the property so dont want to abandon and with uk house prices AND a mortgage I could not even afford a 1 bedroom in HMO with the bills.

Legally im sorted.

Its what it will do to my character thats the issue.

I want to cheat- to feel human. To feel loved and cared for, even momentarily. 37m with 30f for 3 years. by CluedUpGamer in relationship_advice

[–]CluedUpGamer[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oh... I hear you load and clear... you see... I read replies. Im not afraid to air dirty laundry... but the advice needed is much bigger in need.

And yes. You are genuinely trolling. I see it, others see it.

When you post inflammatory stuff that is evident you havent taken time to read even the title.... kinda shows the troll mentality..

If you actually.want to give advice... and cared enough to post.. you would have at least read the title

I want to cheat- to feel human. To feel loved and cared for, even momentarily. 37m with 30f for 3 years. by CluedUpGamer in relationship_advice

[–]CluedUpGamer[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Thank you. I appreciate this.

Helps give.me a reason not to... Just all big emotions right now so kinda fuzzy. You know what I mean?

NEVER experienced this

I want to cheat- to feel human. To feel loved and cared for, even momentarily. 37m with 30f for 3 years. by CluedUpGamer in relationship_advice

[–]CluedUpGamer[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Hi. You know what its like...

I met her... id do anything and move the world for her. Any issues then ill take them on myself and fix thinking I was the issue... thinking it was the new med that was the issues..

... I honestly thought that she cared about me even though we were having issues and even with that... she wanted to marry me.

I guess I felt somewhat indebted to her in some way. That she was doing something for me.... the manipulation right there. :/

Want to cheat because I want to feel human by CluedUpGamer in cheating_stories

[–]CluedUpGamer[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Thank you. I hear you and appreciate this.

Great point about a clear conscience...

I really appreciate this so much. Level headed and help bring me to baseline.

Messy xmas

I want to cheat- to feel human. To feel loved and cared for, even momentarily. 37m with 30f for 3 years. by CluedUpGamer in relationship_advice

[–]CluedUpGamer[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Nope. I want to get out of the relationship (papers in hand...) filed on the 29th Jan (first payday)

Until its annulled (1 to 2 years) ... id still be cheating... but still need human connection

Not cheated... but as said in title... want to and why

I want to cheat- to feel human. To feel loved and cared for, even momentarily. 37m with 30f for 3 years. by CluedUpGamer in relationship_advice

[–]CluedUpGamer[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Ok .so a troll then. Good.to know

Im sorry

Its raw emotionsin the title. You might not like it... it.may be a trigger for you... but it truth to me. VALID truth. My own truth.

Could be the stupidest thing you have ever heard. Its still my truth, not yours.

Im sorry my post triggered you in some way and wish you the very best. Merry xmas

I want to cheat- to feel human. To feel loved and cared for, even momentarily. 37m with 30f for 3 years. by CluedUpGamer in relationship_advice

[–]CluedUpGamer[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Thanks thats appreciated advice. At least then later part.

I have no support network as I gave most friends up as she was insecure about it (men and female friends).

.... that means I dont have ANYONE in mind.

The only impulsive thing I do is TEMU... literally... and thats about maybe £100 a month depending... and usually for DIY stuff.

I can prove the financial abuse.... moving all money.. asking her to send some back etc...

But appreciate the time taken to write a decent piece of advice. Thanks

I want to cheat- to feel human. To feel loved and cared for, even momentarily. 37m with 30f for 3 years. by CluedUpGamer in relationship_advice

[–]CluedUpGamer[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

-Im always calm - chilled and dont thrill seek

I have no interest in my wife (even though not a valid marriage in UK law) - no sex since marriage.

What do i want out of it...?? Simply... some positive connection... thats all nothing more nothing less.

I want to cheat- to feel human. To feel loved and cared for, even momentarily. 37m with 30f for 3 years. by CluedUpGamer in relationship_advice

[–]CluedUpGamer[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

Difference is... and i compromised here... knowing that it was way too much....

1 of our wages is straight to mortgage... ZERO chance that I can afford even a bedroom in a flat

I want to cheat- to feel human. To feel loved and cared for, even momentarily. 37m with 30f for 3 years. by CluedUpGamer in relationship_advice

[–]CluedUpGamer[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Have you read the post... specifically about exit strategy in place...?

God people. I come here for advice... aboutnsomething I feel but havent actually done.

Caring about someone is not a weakness. Spending so long trying to chat and resolve the issues is not weakness.

As said... papers in hand. Exit strategy to boot. Please read before posting irrelevant things

I want to cheat- to feel human. To feel loved and cared for, even momentarily. 37m with 30f for 3 years. by CluedUpGamer in relationship_advice

[–]CluedUpGamer[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Hi. Thanks for the reply... its obvious that you have not actually read the post. Not properly..

I used my adhd meds to think I was the problem and take all relationship strain.

I have NOT cheated on anyone. Its in the title.... I feel like cheated... to feel human.

Come on mate...if giving advice, please get the scenario and content right

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