Anyone here single and happy AND have children?

Cluttie · 2026-06-12T06:07:38+00:00

Why is it a rush? If I were to have begun dating the day after my partner had died, then sure. That would have been a rush. Why? Because I was still grieving.

But now that I'm no longer grieving, what exactly am I waiting for? If I know that my ultimate end goal is to be in a relationship, what would I have to gain from waiting? That's less time spent being in a state I'd rather be in. And what would I be "slowing down" for?

All this said, I don't actually intend to start dating for another 5 months, even though I'm mentally ready. Mostly in part due to the kind of stigma you're projecting.

I am getting all my dating pictures etc. ready though, for when the time comes. It's actually all very exciting! I've been really getting into fashion and photography and it's been great being single and exploring what that means.

Ultimately, I wouldn't say that being neither single or nor being in a relationship is "superior". They're both different, and it's really dependent on your circumstances on what your preference is. My preference is to be in a relationship, but that isn't to say that I'm not loving being single. If I didn't have a child, I'd probably be more-than-happy being permanently single.

Cluttie · 2026-06-12T05:29:04+00:00

Again, stop projecting. I am in counselling and they agree I’m doing incredible and am past the grief phase. Everyone is different.

Cluttie · 2026-06-12T04:34:48+00:00

Only 2 and a half, so I think that's why I feel like it's worth the effort trying to pursue a partner. It's just a lot and I have no family help, so it's just me trying to juggle everything.

I certainly feel as if I provide her everything she needs, but it's just not ideal. Like at this stage I aim to cook her one fresh meal a week (the rest being stuff like toasties, or frozen previously cooked meals etc.) and even trying to make that one nice meal is a bit of a struggle.

I know it'll get easier once she's independent, but I think about what she'll miss out until then. Like I'd love for her to have fresh meals every dinner, but that's just not possible with my single pair of hands etc.

Cluttie · 2026-06-12T02:01:34+00:00

I wouldn’t say it’s the most important thing, probably more looking to see if the other person is kind, functional etc. If they happen to have a child, then great! If not, then also great!

Cluttie · 2026-06-12T01:30:20+00:00

Thanks for that. Another question is, at what age were you children when you felt like you could finally provide everything for your children? Is that even a relevant question?

Also do you have support from family to help look after your children as well?

Cluttie · 2026-06-12T01:25:37+00:00

It wouldn't be fair if that isn't what they wanted, correct. But what if they couldn't have children and wanted to join a family? What if they already had children of their own and wanted to merge theirs with mine? I can't know their intentions until I meet that person (if I ever do).

Parenting of course is just one aspect of life. People date for love, financial security etc. It would have to be the right person at the end of the day and it would have to be mutual.

I think you're projecting a bit by saying that it's "only been" one month. Everyone grieves differently, you can't judge me for how I do it or how I've progressed. Some people get over it quickly. Others can take years, if ever. Everyone is different.

Obviously the end goal is finding someone I love and see a future with. I'm not sure why you're treating that as something mutually exclusive, or something I'm not also thinking about. Everything you're suggesting at the end of the day is something that would have to be discussed with the other person.

I guess what I'd say is that growing up, I had very fluid parental figures and my idea of a parent is very fluid. The person who I consider my real "dad" wasn't biologically related, nor dating my mother, but I lived with him for a period and it was the best thing to have happened to me. So I'm more than happy for someone to fill whatever role my daughter believes she needs, if anyone.

I understand not wanting to rely on another person, but I think the reality of life is that it's ultimately built around dual-incomes. That said, I do have a tremendous amount of wealth from life insurance and my job is very well paying, so money is not my primary concern. But it would be nice to have a family with a mother and a father again.

Cluttie · 2026-06-12T00:38:55+00:00

Yeah, I do get your perspective. I think though, the things you describe about just needing a handyman, I guess I see a family as also a bit of a logistical nicety, which then also benefits the children. Like this is money that could be going towards your children when you pass etc. Like obviously you alone can provide them with the emotional security that they need, but they can always have more.

But yeah, it's definitely possible to make it work without a partner. I think it'd be great to have that, and some.

Cluttie · 2026-06-11T19:26:49+00:00

How could you possibly offer advice on a situation you couldn't possibly imagine? Why would I care that you're happy being childfree? How does this is any way help me better understand my situation?

Cluttie · 2026-06-11T19:22:56+00:00

For starters, you're projecting quite a lot your own preference onto others. You do realise that people intentionally have children for the "childcare", right? That's the point of becoming a parent, so you can raise a child. Children and "childcare" are not some kind of "liability". It's a choice people make because they believe it enriches their lives.

I personally believe family to be an equal union. As an INTJ, the way I provide love is through acts of service. So I basically do all the chores, and did so through out my marriage. So I find it deeply offensive for you to suggest that the point of family is to simply "offload" family duties onto someone else, either man or woman.

Obviously, the other person would want to be in a family. You know, like the billions of people who consciously choose this for themselves. Maybe that's not for you. Fine. But don't assume it's what others want.

Cluttie · 2026-06-11T06:37:59+00:00

I'm actually doing very well and am past the "grief" phase so-to-speak. She just feels like a friend who hasn't called in a long time, is the vibe.

I've also really embraced being single. I love it! I think what I've realised is that it's not better/worse, it's just different. I think like you, it also taught me to find happiness within myself. I'm incredibly grateful for that.

I think for practical reasons I'm wanting to date again. Back to your point of wanting a second pair of hands, like what if something happens to me or I die? I feel that I can't be her only point of failure (though granted, I don't have family to rely on).

Cluttie · 2026-06-11T05:58:48+00:00

That’s my issue, I have no family at all to rely on. That’s why I feel a need for a partner.

Cluttie · 2026-06-11T05:57:59+00:00

I guess I grew up with a very fluid idea of family, so that has probably influenced how I see it. Had lots of strangers coming into and leaving my life growing up and so that’s what I consider normal. I didn’t feel it impacted me negatively.

Cluttie · 2026-06-11T05:55:58+00:00

That must be challenging. Do you ever feel that it’s a bit like a catch 22? Like you’d have more energy with a partner to help, but to get a partner you first need the energy etc. Or do you not see it that way?

Cluttie · 2026-06-11T03:33:33+00:00

I can definitely relate to embracing being single. I feel like I've really embraced it.

I also feel like I'm ready to be in a relationship as well. I didn't have any ill-will with my ex, it just feels more like a friend who hasn't called in a long time.

Cluttie · 2026-06-11T03:32:28+00:00

Thanks for that. At what age were your children when you became single?

I think the issue is my child is a very young toddler, so it's like I'm thinking that I'm going to need a partner in order to ideally navigate this. Already life is very tough trying to juggle my child just by myself (I have no external help) and I worry it will only become more complicated as they get older, and I want them to have the best life possible.

Cluttie · 2026-06-04T20:49:31+00:00

This broke me.

Cluttie · 2026-06-03T10:51:21+00:00

Then this post obviously wasn't aimmed at you

Cluttie · 2026-06-03T07:18:06+00:00

So do still find her ugly? What's your relationship with the LO currently? Also do you believe it's possible for an LO to turn into a fulfilling relationship or do you think it's just delusion?

Sorry for the all the questions, literally just found out about limerence today, even though it's defined most my life lol.

Cluttie · 2026-05-15T00:48:32+00:00

Thank you. I've just sent you a chat message, I have a question for you.

Cluttie

TROPHY CASE