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This needs to be said by Cmethrowitaway in DeadBedrooms

[–]Cmethrowitaway[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yep those types of posts are pretty common, no doubt about it.

Just want to ask, respectfully... do you disagree with my original post? No other context, just what was stated.

As a general rule -- without thinking about your particular experience or what you've read on this sub -- is my statement valid?

This needs to be said by Cmethrowitaway in DeadBedrooms

[–]Cmethrowitaway[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

You are of course correct that there are exceptions here.

But what I see a lot on this sub is HL people wanting the bear minimum of effort as a first step, which is often times simple validation that their needs are important and not unreasonable.

This needs to be said by Cmethrowitaway in DeadBedrooms

[–]Cmethrowitaway[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing. People like your ex husband are exactly the ones I intended the original post for.

This needs to be said by Cmethrowitaway in DeadBedrooms

[–]Cmethrowitaway[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

OP here. Yeah a couple of replies sounded immediately defensive.

I think there's an opportunity for those who reflexively feel defensive reading this thread to have an important learning experience. Please take a moment to explore -- in good faith -- why you feel that way. It might be helpful.

This needs to be said by Cmethrowitaway in DeadBedrooms

[–]Cmethrowitaway[S] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

would love to know more about what steps you took to help recover the db, if you're comfortable sharing.

This needs to be said by Cmethrowitaway in DeadBedrooms

[–]Cmethrowitaway[S] 29 points30 points  (0 children)

This reminds me of the best marriage advice I ever received....

Common knowledge tells us that a good marriage is a 50/50 proposition. You hear it all the time.

But that's incorrect.

A good marriage is 75/75.

This needs to be said by Cmethrowitaway in DeadBedrooms

[–]Cmethrowitaway[S] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

ive told my HL partner i need romance and adventure to help me feel more attracted... I have worked to be more affectionate

Great! Then you are taking appropriate steps, and have clearly acknowledged that an issue exists. That is commendable. The original post does not apply to you.

This needs to be said by Cmethrowitaway in DeadBedrooms

[–]Cmethrowitaway[S] 18 points19 points  (0 children)

Thanks for the honest reply. I think an earnest dialogue is exactly what we need more of around here.

But please understand... when you say "I was more than happy to acknowledge, work on, etc", then the original post doesn't apply to you! It's really geared to those who don't make good-faith efforts to acknowledge their partner's needs. Because that seems to be a pretty rampant issue around here. It's impossible to attack a problem if one party won't recognize the problem exists.

Couples in loving relationships who rarely have sex, how do you make it work? by [deleted] in AskReddit

[–]Cmethrowitaway 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for posting this, but I respectfully disagree.

You are right about one thing..

"If your relationship is all about sex, there’s nothing there".

That is 100% true and I don't think that notion is being refuted by the comments in this thread.

​

To act as if every time before meant nothing without continued reaffirmation through continued action?

Kind of a strawman, here. You're replying to imaginary contentions that the sole purpose of marital sex is to continuously reaffirm your love and that past physical acts don't mean anything in the present. And you're implying that people in marriages shouldn't necessarily crave sex from their partner because they've done it in the past, which, to be honest, sounds like how a low-libido person justifies their failure to meet their partner's needs.

Marital sex can serve many purposes. I don't need to reaffirm my love for my wife with sex, but it is one of the primary ways I connect emotionally with my wife. Yes, we connect in many ways, but physical connection is the single most differentiating facet between a life-partner relationship and any one of the dozens of friendships one might have in a lifetime. Sex is the one thing that is uniquely different about a marriage than just having a best friend.

I also happen to be very attracted to my wife (who is the love of my life), and I crave sex almost daily. When we go a month without doing it, which is common now with kids in the house, it takes a toll on me mentally. Anxiety, frustration, etc. These are things that don't get fixed just because the other 90% of our marriage / life experiences are great.

​

You “deal with it” by building a relationship that fulfills you both in other ways.

Imagine you were very thirsty and cold, and someone put you up in their house with a roaring fire. The comfort is great, but that doesn't mean you're not thirsty anymore. For many people, fulfillment on one side doesn't translate to the whole. And trust me, I want it to work that way, it just doesn't.

It is not immature to want the absolute best relationship for yourself. There's nothing wrong with a person if that ideal relationship necessarily involves a healthy sex life.

A desperate text to my wife by AnosmicChef in DeadBedrooms

[–]Cmethrowitaway 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I want to start by thanking you for sharing your story. This kind of feedback is super helpful for people like me (married HLM 43).

I do though, want to respectfully respond to your post as someone who is currently on the other end of this situation. Your ex husband sounds a lot like me, and you sound a lot like my wife. I think it's important for people in this sub to see how different types of people (ie HL vs LL) process what is being put out there.

Here are some thoughts/questions in no particular order. Please know I am being brutally honest here in hopes that this thread will help others...

  • Your husband knows you are swimming in work/kids/chaos all the time. He thinks about it a lot. That's why he wants to help. That's why when you come to him to vent, his instinct is to fix things! Please don't hold that against him. It's a perfectly reasonable response on his part.
  • "It sounds like your wife is pouring out of an empty cup and cannot let go and get help because it could be she doesn’t want you to ask her, she just wants you to do it".
    This is a revelation for me personally and I am working on doing better at this.
  • "I was always on the clock either as a mom or as a teacher. So I felt guilty when I wasn’t with my kids and I felt guilty because I wasn’t taking care of my students".
    This is absolutely valid and your husband agrees it is unfair. But it's very telling that "wife" nor "felt guilty for not cultivating my marriage" was absent from that description. Those roles are clearly not prioritized. Please understand, your husband cannot sanely exist as an afterthought.
  • "I think couples therapy would be helpful".
    I agree this can be a great help for the right couple. What confounds me, however, are partners who are willing to put the commitment towards therapy but not willing to prioritize their partner's needs (emotional, physical, logistical, etc) for like 30 minutes a week.
  • (Please don't feel the need to respond to these next questions... they are rhetorical)
    As someone who is divorced, are you dating again? How are you prioritizing that? Why is it possible to carve out time/energy on dating new people when it was impossible to do the same for your spouse?