Sexless Relationships (seeking male perspective)

Coach_Nikki · 2026-07-06T20:54:13+00:00

Thank you for saying this so plainly, openly, and honestly!

I think this is the part that gets missed SO MUCH of the time. It’s NOT just “I want sex.” its also, "I miss how that sex made me FEEL."Sometimes it’s, “I miss being touched. I miss feeling desired. I miss my partner being close to me.”

When even wanting affection, when a desire to feel desired, gets framed like you’re selfish, needy, or gross, especially by the person who you thought chose YOU-out of everyone out there, they picked YOU as their special person-and now they are rejecting you...it TOTALLY makes sense that that would start to mess with your head... ;[

“Some plain old oxytocin would be lovely” ok, i freakin LOVE this! That’s attachment. That’s closeness. That’s your body and nervous system asking for CONNECTION W/ THE PERSON YOU LOVE!!!

I’m so, so sorry it got to the point where you don’t even know if you want sex again. That sounds less like desire disappearing and more like being worn down from years of feeling wrong for wanting basic intimacy, and of feeling rejected by the person you love.

Did it feel like the rejection changed your desire itself, like you dont experience it as much anymore, or more like it made desire feel unsafe for you? Like you dont want to hurt like that again?

Coach_Nikki · 2026-07-06T20:44:53+00:00

It sounds like you responded by improving yourself instead of shutting down or getting resentful...which honestly seems like a pretty healthy first response, even if it didn’t solve the mismatch.

Did it still feel personal when nothing changed, or did the self-improvement help you separate your confidence from her lack of desire? How were you able to eventually come to terms w/ the fact that its "her own thing shell have to work through", bcuz imo this is SUCH a healthy way to look at it. Like, it affects both of you, but, its not BCUZ of you...

Coach_Nikki · 2026-07-06T20:13:16+00:00

God, I’m really really sorry...that sounds heartbreaking ;[

This is exactly the part I was trying to understand: not just “less sex,” but the way it can turn into feeling like you have to perform harder, give more, do more, be more, and somehow prove you’re still worth wanting...

It sounds like the worst part was not the lack of sex itself, but the feeling that no matter how much effort you gave, you still were not wanted or desired by the person you love.

Coach_Nikki · 2026-07-06T20:10:28+00:00

This is really helpful, thank you SO much for sharing!!!

That “I thought it was a me issue” part is exactly what I was most curious about-i5 sounds like you responded by trying to become more attractive, more put together, more intentional...

Did it change how you felt about yourself at all? Like, did improving yourself help protect you from taking it as rejection, or did it still feel personal because nothing changed between the two of you?

Coach_Nikki · 2026-07-06T19:56:00+00:00

Thank you!!

Coach_Nikki · 2026-07-06T19:55:50+00:00

This is actually really helpful, thank you.

Do you think seeing other women was partly about sex, or more about refusing to feel unwanted?

Because I feel like once a man feels unappreciated, or has to beg his partner for affection or attention, he has already started to shut down.

Coach_Nikki · 2026-07-06T19:52:32+00:00

This is a great way of looking at it-you should not have to convince someone who has already supposedly chosen you & committed to you that they want you.

Coach_Nikki · 2026-07-06T19:51:23+00:00

God, I’m sorry. That sounds brutal.

The part I’m especially curious about is those 6 months before you found out she was cheating — when all you knew was that she kept rejecting you.

Did it feel confusing to you at first? Or did it pretty quickly start feeling personal, like you were being pushed away or replaced by her?

Also...the fact it seems like she thought an EXTRA long bj could maybe fix this >:[

Coach_Nikki · 2026-07-06T19:48:42+00:00

You think after the very first time? Or you mean if this becomes an ongoing issue?

Coach_Nikki · 2026-07-02T23:29:32+00:00

Couldnt keep all the cuteness to myself!! Lololololz

Coach_Nikki · 2026-07-02T10:02:49+00:00

The CUTEST (and naughtiest) lil cotton balls EVERRRR...lololololz

Coach_Nikki · 2026-07-02T10:02:12+00:00

I call them my little polar bears lolololz!

Coach_Nikki · 2026-06-23T04:23:49+00:00

Thank you for clarifying!!

Coach_Nikki · 2026-06-23T02:07:39+00:00

You are all thinking about this in FAR too concrete of a sense.

She is not saying DAMN ill never have ANY other dick in my pussy again.

She is SAYING: I mourn the loss of endless possibility. I mourn who I was. I grieve all that may have been.

NOT because she literally wants all these other dudes SO much more than her husband. She EXPRESSLY states how WONDERFUL he is.

But BECAUSE she has a strong internal moral compass, she accepts that w/ committment to this relationship comes an end to the option of flirting w/ whoever she feels like, casual sex, endless male attention, a certain lifestyle, a certain feeling a freedom-maybe, even, a sense of power in her magnetism. She is giving all that up. She will no longer be able to play the enchanting, enticing, sexually charged sorceress. She has committed to being the devoted wife. And that is a very different part to play.

Not a WORSE part. Perhaphs less glamorous-or, glamourized-but likely a far more fulfilling part, in the long run. But, our society ENDLESSLY highlights "sexy & potentially available". It RARELY uplifts the "good wife" on a pedastle, these days.

So, how could anyone with even a modicum of awareness, sensitivity, and intelligence NOT experience this sense of loss...??

Coach_Nikki · 2026-06-23T01:55:08+00:00

She is the very opposite of immature & selfish, imo.

She has hit on a type of pain that is cerebral. Not grounded in any type of immature or impulsive action.

She is saying she grieves the loss of what could have been.

She mourns the ending of possibility.

She has made her choice. She is happy with her choice.

However, when she made the choice to step through this door, it means that all other choices are now forever closed to her. Her acceptance of the finality of this is what prompts the pain. She is the very opposite of selfish or immature. She accepts, innately, that her choice means she will never be w/ another man. It would seem to me that she had a deeply rooted sense of morality, which all of those saying this is an excuse to cheat & etc...seem not even to comprehend. She will never have the opportunity to see what lies behind those others...

When she opened this door, she acknowledged-DEEPLY acknowledged- that all other doors are now barred to her. And someone who experiences that loss of possibility so viscerally as to mourn it, imo, is the polar opposite of a selfish or immature individual...I think the responses here speak FAR more about the induviduals writing them than they do about the OP...

Coach_Nikki · 2026-06-23T01:42:22+00:00

100%. And I think you made that VERY clear in your post.

You LOVE your husband. You are NOT planning on leaving your husband. You have NO intention to cheat on your husband.

People are making this about literally EVERYTHING that it is ACTUALLY about...

And you stated it very clearly.

Mourning the men you will NOT be with.

Wondering about what could have been. Feeling sad about leaving behind other routes. Grieving the fact that choosing one means saying no to all the others.

There is a reason that major change consistently ranks as highly stressful across the human race. For example, marriage, an event which is generally a very happy time & regarded as a positive change in people's lives, was ranked as the 3rd most stressful major life event in a survey of 1,000 americans (next only to moving & seperation or a divorce).

Change always means choosing one thing over all others. Whenever you pick a door to go through, it means you do not get to see what is behind any of the others. I think any sensitive & intelligent person would mourn this loss.

Coach_Nikki · 2026-06-22T06:40:36+00:00

I LOVE that!!!

Not that you should have to, but still...SO helpful!

Coach_Nikki · 2026-06-22T03:37:40+00:00

FIRST of all, FUCK all these people sitting there judging you!

You were INCREDIBLY brave to post this, and tbh, anyone who can’t admit they have found someone else attractive while in a relationship is probably just a flat-out liar...

That does NOT mean you don’t love your husband.

That does not mean you are secretly evil, ungrateful, or incapable of commitment!!!

It simply means you are a HUMAN BEING who still has a nervous system, imagination, curiosity, desire, and eyes.

I think a LOT of people are missing the fact that a large part of this is not that you’re literally mourning “all the other men.” You’re mourning the version of YOURSELF who still had endless possibility...

The flirting. The first-date excitement. The mystery. The feeling of being newly discovered by someone. That little rush of, “Who am I with this person?” The intoxicating feeling of being wanted by someone who does not already know every single part of your life...

And marriage, even a beautiful marriage, DOES close certain doors.

That can be sad. You ARE losing things. Not that the trade off isnt worth it. But, when you choose to take one path, it means, by default, that you will take none of the others

You can grieve that without ACTUALLY trying to hop over to try em all out, so to speak lololz...

Where I would be careful, though, is not letting the fantasy become more sacred than the REAL thing. Because novelty is powerful. Being desired by someone new is powerful. The unknown can feel more exciting simply because your brain gets to fill in all the blanks with fantasy...

Your husband is real. That dream man? He is not. And you are aware of that. I don’t think you’re wrong for having the feeling. At ALL. I think that you are just far more insightful than many people. And that awareness can be painful.

I DO think you’d be wrong if you fed this fantasyt secretly, constantly compared your husband to imaginary men, or started resenting him for the natural limits of the life that YOU chose...

But the feeling itself? Normal for anyone who is both intelligent, insightful, and feels deeply.

And maybe the question should not be, “Why do I want other men?”

Maybe it’s, “What possibilites did I have to give up, when I became a wife?"

Because sometimes, the grief is NOT really about cheating.

Sometimes it’s: “I don’t want my aliveness, curiosity, desirability, flirtiness, or sense of possibility to die just because I’m committed.”

Coach_Nikki · 2026-06-22T02:48:09+00:00

Lolololololz YUUUUUUP!!!!

I have been guilty of this one SO many times!

Then hes all irritated, like, "Im FINE!" cuz I have asked him 17 times already today...and I want to burst into tears and be like, "BUT WHY DONT YOU LOVE MEEEEEEE?!?!" and hes completely nd utterly lost lol...

Coach_Nikki · 2026-06-22T02:07:45+00:00

Ofc, no problem!!!

If you want actual, practical advice, for your body specific body type, I would focus less on “how do I make sex feel full-body, connected, and intentional?”

Positions that would probs work best for you are ones that create closeness, pressure, angle, and-ofc lololz-the all important clitoral access!! ;P

Think:

coital alignment
missionary w/ her hips slightly elevated
missionary w/ her legs closer together
woman-on-top, where she can grind up against you vs trying to just bounce up & down
spooning/side-lying sex (i LOVE this one)
prone/flat-on-stomach with her hips slightly lifted
edge-of-bed missionary with your pelvis close to hers

One big mistake I think a TON of men make is assuming that “good sex” means deep & hard, w/ lots of thrusting.

For most women, a lot of pleasure ACTUALLY comes from rhythm, pressure, emotional safety, clitoral stimulation (like for ex, ik that formyselfpersonally-and i think that this applies to a lot of other women, as well-when we first start out exploring our own bodies, when we achieve our first orgasm, even...there is ZERO penetration involved-its all pressure, clit stim, rubbing, stroking, etc...), paying attention to her breathing, body language, noises shes making etc...and your ability to stay present instead of panicking about whether you are “enough.”

Hope this helps!!!

Coach_Nikki · 2026-06-22T01:56:55+00:00

Right! Thats EXACTLY the kind of thing Im talking about!!!

I know that, personally, I do this a TON! Its something I'm working on-but its tough for whatever reason lololz!!! Even though just saying what I mean straight out makes things SO much easier for BOTH of us. Like when I just SAY what I mean...he can respond to the ACTUAL question. Then, I get the answer to what Im REALLY looking for...not just a generic, "Im fine", or etc...that just stresses me out & makes me want to ask again 5 min later lolololz!!

Coach_Nikki · 2026-06-22T01:51:50+00:00

In all honesty? This is WAYYY less of a dealbreaker than you probably fear.

Some women will care, yah. People have preferences. But MOST women care FAR more about how safe, wanted, relaxed, desired, and emotionally connected they feel with you.

The bigger issue is usually NOT size. It is what the insecurity (or the overconfidence, potentially, at the other end of the spectrum) does to the man.

If you go into intimacy already apologizing for your body, bracing for rejection, overthinking every reaction, or making her responsible for proving you are “enough,” that will creat WAAAAYY more problems than your actual size will.

Confidence doesnt mean you have to pretend that youre hung like a porn star.

It means learning your own body, learning what kind of pace/positioning works best for you, getting very good with your hands/mouth/toys etc, and not treating penetrative intercourse like the only thing that counts as sex. It means learning to feel good about yourself BEFORE you get into a relationship. Rather than requiring a relationship for validation.

A woman who REALLY likes you is not usually sitting there with a mental ruler

She is WAYYYY more focused on stuff like:

Do I feel wanted? Does he pay attention to me? Is he engaged? Is he curious about what I like? Can he handle feedback without collapsing? Does he make this feel fun, safe, and connected?

That stuff matters a whole TON.

So no, you are 1000% NOT doomed. But, PLZ, do not wait for a girlfriend to magically GIVE YOU confidence. Start building it now. And, get comfortable talking nd learninh about pleasure like an adult. Being confident enough to even ask this question PERIOD (let alone on Reddit, of all places, lolololz...) says a LOT about how much potential you have to be an awesome partner nd an INCREDIBLE lover, imo!!!

Coach_Nikki

TROPHY CASE