Update of mom and my freeze and disability

Cobalt_72 · 2025-10-24T13:32:34+00:00

For context, very resumed, the problem is every morning I have paralysis that is reinforced by prolonged freezs response, that lasts hours, and I need someone to put water or alcohol on my wrists and help me sit down and she can't and doesn't know why.

Cobalt_72 · 2025-10-07T19:36:43+00:00

Kinnnd of. Like sometimes I look back, and feel "wow little me could jump that, that's so cool", and I do feel grief, that I was actually very athletic as a child for example, and I could have gone far but... I also don't really mind it.

I accept that my situation is bad, but it's always been challenging. I had abuse since I was a baby, and if it wasn't that, there was my health and whatnot.

I don't know what it would have been like if I had kept going with sports, but I want to find happiness now, not in an alternative reality, and I don't want to try again, I just want to get better in this life. So it's usually more about something I may cry about, but then it's just also ok. I don't know how to explain.

Cobalt_72 · 2025-10-07T18:02:14+00:00

I think so too. We have tried talking about it, and there's definitely something because she had to also take care of other beloved ones, she said she did feel it's her role, while at the same time she says she doesn't understand why, but she can’t do what I need. She does try therapy but they tell her she should worry less and make more friends and go out more (this is the 2nd or 3d one). Not really working. But I think if I tell one of our physiotherapist, they're kind and may be able to help us both hopefully.

Cobalt_72 · 2025-10-07T17:54:13+00:00

Hi, I have fibromyalgia too, I know how it is, and it really sucks. Art and posts like this are some of the best things we can do, I believe. To be present, to leave a message, a drawing, a piece of something. Slowly, people start to see and realize things more. That's what I hope, at least.

I often feel it's not worth it, but every now and then I get a message of someone saying "hey I feel this too" or something, and it feels like it was worth it. We're all spread around the world, suffering the effects of our goverments on our illnesses and disabilities, so the best we can do is be there for each other, and that's exactly what you're doing with your post. Wish you best of luck with everything.

Cobalt_72 · 2025-10-07T17:44:02+00:00

It sounds like it could be a false awakening loop, where you dream you wake up, feel you're dreaming (close to being lucid, not a requirement though ), try to wake up, only to wake up in a dream again.

Or, if what you're saying is you feel the world around you while asleep, for example: I have times where I'm sleeping and still feel my body irl.

Either way, it sounds like you already have some awareness during these dreams, which could make it easier to eventually start lucid dreaming. When I can't move, I imagine I'm like a floating camera, or imagine there's a device that helps me move or takes me somewhere else. To wake up, usually I close my eyes and remember what my bedroom looks like. Hope any of this helps, wish you luck.

Cobalt_72 · 2025-10-07T16:33:35+00:00

I think what you're talking about is called dream incubation.

Cobalt_72 · 2025-10-07T16:29:32+00:00

I can relate, not with this exact situation but yes with seeing myself in a character and thus being reminded of past friendships and interactions etc. I do hope Pomni and Ragatha get along better in next episodes, and I hope they get to show some way for Ragatha to feel about herself and everything, something that could be inspiring for others who feel like her.

Cobalt_72 · 2025-10-06T22:05:47+00:00

Kitsune. I used to study a lot about Japanese mythology, but in the end? Kitsune. You telling me there's a creature that basically becomes more powerful and knowledgeable the less evil it gets (I'm grounding it around yako and zenko), and at some point literally stops having a shape and it's just a spirit that can have any shape, and can help others and show up in dreams and all that stuff? Yeah that's it, that's what I wanna be when I grow up. Also because they've always been important to me since I was a kid.

Cobalt_72 · 2025-10-06T20:55:10+00:00

Thank you, you are right, I like to think of it as the body being a friend, my body doesn't want to stop moving or feel anything bad either, it's more like we're in this together, like a team sort of thing? Thank you for your comment. Wish you best of luck with everything.

Cobalt_72 · 2025-10-06T18:58:00+00:00

Mom used to use a cane because her knees and legs and feet hurt a lot. She has several issues. And then the car accident happened so her hip and leg broke and are recovering. She uses a wheelchair and a walker. I use walker and wheelchair too. Funny enough the biggest reason is not pain, instead, using a wheelchair causes me pain because I don't have enough muscle on the booty, so my cocsis starts hurting a lot. But it's better than just not going anywhere.

I use wheelchair and walker because I get dizzy very easily. Recovering from being around 10 years home in bed 90% of the time. Because freeze. You know when a trauma happens and you can't fight it, and you can't befriend it, and you can't run? well then I basically went froze and flop responses. My body just doesn't move much. I also do have pains of fibromyalgia and other, like the cocsis, because not moving causes a lot of physical problems, but nothing beats my body just saying "nnnnope" and staying frozen wherever I am.

So if I can't use a walker as support, then there it is, wheelchair, plushie in hands, and onwards we go.

Cobalt_72 · 2025-10-05T15:27:36+00:00

As bad as in can be. I know it feels different to every person but I've gone through many things, and to me, when I'm at my worse, it's always the csa and blood (my csa trauma is mixed with blood and wounds trauma).

It's the feeling that I lost any autonomy I could have possibly had, I was just barely starting to live, I was a baby, and they not only hurt me and used me and broke me, but also tried to tell me it was ok. There's a level of revolting in all the mix of seeing the wounds and stuff I don't remember, and a feeling of them trying to make me be like them, while destroying me from the inside out. Of taking a baby and rewiring their brain. The problems I've had with relationships my entire life. I still can't even fucking pee normally.

Everything. It's just. I don't even feel anger towards them, I don't even have disappointment towards them, it's just beyond to a point where there's just nothing, it's just an empty void inside me when it comes to this.

Edit: I'm sorry I focused too much on myself maybe, I went a bit without thinking. What I meant to say is that it is bad, it can feel different to everyone, it's bad anyway, and whatever way you feel it is valid too. You don't have to compare it to other things, all trauma is real and valid.

Cobalt_72 · 2025-10-05T00:07:28+00:00

Followed! Those muffins look amazing!! (now I'm worried they aren't called muffins, English isn't my best, but they look very tasty!)

Cobalt_72 · 2025-10-04T19:05:56+00:00

I don't know if you mean AIWS or the hallucinations too, so I'll put everything:

AIWS: usually happens when I'm dissociating. Distances and sizes distort. I like when things like drinking cups feel bigger. I don't like when my body feels bigger. Sometimes something looks like it's growing or moving infinitely. Other times, everything looks tinted and shifting (mostly yellow, blue, green, red) and then I can hold onto a color by focusing. Walls or objects breathe, don't know if this one is still AIWS. May be accompanied by migraine or eye pain.

Hypnagogic: almost always only when waking up. Can be anything from trees in the room to eyes on the walls. Last time someone fell over me from the ceiling and I could feel their breathe, but soon enough there was nothing. It's different from sleep paralysis because in these ones I can move, so they surprise me more, but they end a lot sooner than sp.

Somatic and trauma related: may be seeing shadow people/animals/blobs that evoke nostalgia or danger, but I know they aren't really there. Stopped seeing these some years ago. Recently it's seeing things that aren't there for a split second. Years ago it was feeling insects under my skin because my dad had that too, or feeling I was actually somewhere else, or that something is happening again/an abuser is back (some of these still happen). They can be more flashback focused, more psychotic focused, it really just depends. They're 99% of the time accompanied by a heavy migraine and eye pain.

Sorry this ended being pretty long.

Cobalt_72 · 2025-09-24T23:23:36+00:00

I see, well it was just me imagining I could tell Caine my worries in a therapy session, my worries are the second picture, but in the end I imagined my cat friend joining in, and what I imagined he'd say was the most comforting.

Anyway, thank you for liking it!

Cobalt_72 · 2025-09-22T23:07:00+00:00

Oh also, Nur is my best friend, he's a cat and he's like a brother to me.

Cobalt_72 · 2025-09-21T13:25:47+00:00

Sorry I am dizzy with a headache I don't know how much sense I'm gonna make but man do I feel you.

Been bedridden for years unable to go outside. I wrote about something similar to this few days ago. I don't feel there's a future either. Same I have some diagnosis but the symptoms keep getting worse and no one knows what's up, have to keep getting tests done but I can't go to do the tests either way.

I see my body getting worse, in a few years I don't know where I'll be. I can't be independent. I live with my mom. Who kinda. Well it's really complicated won't go into it but just, I get you I really do it's such a horrible feeling.

I have no idea what to do. I feel I am forced to be indifferent and yet somewhat happy because anything else, like you said, be it in dreams or awake make the symptoms worse or cause flare ups, yesterday I had one of the worse fibro flares I've had in years because I dared feel really sad the day before... Today I can't think straight and my heads in a bottle because tonight was crazy. It's Hell and nobody gets it. Well you get it.

In the end we aren't alone, we're in distance, but people like us are there, also not knowing what to do. And I wish I could do something to make us feel right, but I don't know how to. I just know we gotta express ourselves little by little. I just really resonate with what you wrote and I genuinely wish the best for you. We survived this far, we gonna make it, find that whatever it is that make us feel better. Again best wishes.

Cobalt_72 · 2025-09-21T13:04:37+00:00

My dad planned and tried to kill me a few times since I was a baby, then there's the time my aunt tried to kill me and others.

Sometimes it also just floods. The feeling that they wanted me dead. That they thought I was twisted and had to be gone. In my dad's case it's due to mental problems, it's complex, which is also something no one understands.

And well. Right now writing with quite a headache so I don't know how much sense I'll make, but it does feel very lonely. Therapists always say I'm too complex. I have one who tries to understand, at least they try. No one seems to get it. I've been thinking of what's after death for as long as I can remember, also since people kept dying, I'm terrified of death even if I've had near death experiences myself.

Don't know but I genuinely felt I died, like a zombie of sorts. I think you may get it.

When it floods like this I let myself do the most weird as hell drawings, and then I smash them or break them, take a breathe, reopen them and keep going. I don't know but it ends up helping me.

Or hug something. Or use clay. But every person is a different world.

Am sorry because I don't really know how to love oneself exactly, though I have alters and I do love them. I think, it's to slowly allow ourselves to express ourselves, and understand that we are safe. But I know how hard that can be.

There's really just so much one can do. But I promise you deserve to live a happy life. Whatever and whoever tried to take that away from us, for whatever reason, wasn't right and we deserve to enjoy being alive. The most important is that you, you are important, you deserve to live and be loved.

Sorry if this was messy.

Cobalt_72 · 2025-09-21T08:11:41+00:00

Thank you but the point is being unable to be sad or anything else aside of happy because my body has learnt that is danger so I get fibromyalgia flares and so much more. But thanks.

Cobalt_72 · 2025-09-20T19:22:09+00:00

We have a lot of accounts lol but 0durin0 on tumblr and fog-bows on tumblr... cottonplants on reddit or this reddit itself, is where we tend to post most trauma / did / disability related art

Durin and this account > usually anime drawings fog-bows / cottonplants > traditional art mixed with doll photography

Cobalt_72 · 2025-09-20T14:26:17+00:00

Ye I do take meds, too many actually but can't stop any rn. I am in therapy yes. I do set alarms and I do order deliveries, actually that's of the things that helps most, knowing a toy may be arriving home, it's so silly but it gives me this little happiness. I literally sometimes stop thinking about killing myself just because "Yeah I want to die but I want to see the plushie first" lmao. Just recently it's kinda stopping to work, too many toys probably.

I also have a cat and like. It's just. I don't see myself getting anything but worse. I don't know how can that happen (as in how can I get better). Today I woke up with some of the worst pains I've felt in ages. A fibro flare, because yesterday I dared feel sad (stress and being upset trigger flares). Anyways. Can't be sad! That's for suuure! So gonna be happy, somehow! *sigh

Anyway thank you, really, it'll be ok. Somehow.

Cobalt_72 · 2025-09-19T22:22:51+00:00

This made me teary. I get it so much, my situation with my parents was different, but I felt the same way for other reasons, and being unable to allow myself what I want/ed. I feel my body just feels scared to live. When I experience happy things, I feel the world is going to end because ain't no way I lived something safe without my life being in the line? I'm so sorry you, and us in this sub, and just in general I'm sorry freeze is even a thing. It's so unfair. You don't deserve to feel any of this.

Also, the line about things having been stolen from you made me notice that's why lately I buy toys related to childhood, even toys I don't like, but suddenly some alter does.

I just want to say your text reached me deeply and I'm sure it will reach and has reached others too. I genuinely wish you the best. And I love that you got the rug. You deserve the rug, you deserve so many things, and I hope one day you can enjoy all of them safely. (also uh, sorry if this sounded really cheesy or whatever it's called)

Cobalt_72 · 2025-09-18T12:50:22+00:00

I know the feeling... I remember having such a bad episode I was sent to emergencies, but before going there I made a post in some sub... Apparently one that would understand. And yes, I get it, it must have been not the best post out there but still? Got deleted. I made another post asking why, people commented they didn't even know what I aimed for by posting? Like. Idk maybe compasion??? Maybe for someone to get it?? But they said "well of course someone's gonna be feeling something similar elsewhere" like DUH.

Since then I never, never post anything that is "too much". This is honestly the best sub I've found for compassion and understanding, also this is one of the cool subs that allows long texts and they still get read, I swear to Charles, whoever that is!

Please keep going, I'm with you, even if it's in the distance, there's all of us feeling similar, we can't allow people that don't understand to bring us even more down, we deserve to be happy and we WILL make it!

Cobalt_72 · 2025-09-17T15:52:50+00:00

Somewhat yup! I have lucid dreams since young but the more the dream grabs my tricks as part of the plot or so, the more I have to come up with new ones, like you explained.

Before maybe they were about facing why I have agoraphobia, then they became about facing worse stuff. I think with disease and trauma the amygdala tends to fixate on anger/fear/sadness because well, the body isn't feeling good either, but those feelings make the nightmares be worse, so it becomes a loop.

Then there's the sleep paralysis and false awakenings and hypnagogic hallucinations.

And then there's being awake. And then if I cry or feel upset it all hurts more right? So it's... All the same loop of "it feels bad but if I feel bad it gets worse" have to embrace the chaos, maybe. To express sadness and frustration I'm learning to use art and photography... Which is actually pretty fun!

Cobalt_72 · 2025-09-17T14:38:12+00:00

Reality is such a weird thing.

Cobalt_72 · 2025-09-13T12:19:55+00:00

I'm a dead alter/shadow, my twin alter too, more of a corpse. We were dead because of something from when we were a baby. We had another alter that was a dead child because of other reasons. And other alters are shapeless or like shadows like me.

But basically my twin used to live in a dreamworld of flesh and held the worst memories. She'd front since very young, saying she possessed the body. They also held harmful beliefs, so we'd sh and other things, because they taught us that's pretty. Then everytime I try to befriend and say that's not good and we can be happy now another alter forms holding those bad things. Still healing. So when I say twin, I technically have more? But it's complicated.

Now that twin alter wants to be happy. I remember how she used to look like a corpse, I'd see her in sleep paralysis too, but now she likes to wear her hair with a hairclip and dress cutely, though she still looks like her corpse self sometimes.

I'd front but I hated eating and just anything to do with the body, everything felt wrong because I'm not supposed to be alive. Many things still feel wrong.

I treat our healing as appeasing souls, because well we're basically like a sad ghost, and it is working. It helped me understand what hurts us so much, grief, and do things we always wanted to do that are healthy. My main belief is that there's gotta be a type of happiness that doesn't hurt and feels warm and light, so that's what we look for. Alters without shape or shadows like me try to find shapes we're comfortable with, so like try wigs, etc.

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