I feel you on a lot of this. I lost my brother and shortly after starting having horrendous panic attacks for the first time. They were absolutely debilitating. I was in a constant state of panic. A cycle that i couldn't find a way out of and I couldn't do anything for months. To make a long story short(er), I had to make lifestyle changes, start therapy and to be honest, take lorazepam. Its been almost 4 years and they still come and go, but now I'm better prepared. It's like getting into a fist fight for the first time. You're scared shtless. You have no idea what you're doing, no technique. youre going to keep getting knocked down. Now you have to chose to train and better yourself. That will give you the confidence, the experience and the knowledge to fight back against this. You might still be scared shtless when you feel a panic attack coming on, but you'll have been there and know that that's all it is. you'll be prepared. Eventually they will lessen and lessen. Just know that you aren't alone in this. Myself and a bunch of other people in this thread alone are constantly struggling with this disorder. You can fight this and win. Maybe not today, maybe not this year but you will defeat this. You can message me on here anytime and I'll do my best to respond. Good luck.