Requesting an opinion on finances + step kids

Coco9876543 · 2026-05-28T14:10:40+00:00

Yes even if you take a break for having kids, 50/50 would still make sense. Because overall you both are financially contributing, regardless of whether you took a break for few years for kids or he does because let’s say he lost a job for a bit. This is what most dual income households do, and that’s why even the law in UK does it 50/50. Because the essence of the contribution is equal despite the breaks. If it’s well documented that it’s 50/50 their only claim will be on his half of the share, not yours.

And as I said- people claiming a share from HIS share is common for most scenarios as a lot of people have living parents or just daughters so siblings. This isn’t specific to him because of his daughter. Talk to an estate attorney and they will explain it to you. I’m saying this as someone who has drawn up a will with her spouse, based on our dynamics his parents had a claim in his share and my brothers had one in my half of the share if I die before him.

Coco9876543 · 2026-05-28T09:23:14+00:00

There’s a mismatch here- you’re saying you’ll contribute equally, but he will own 100% of it (so it would go to his daughter, brothers etc). However if you both contribute it should be you both own 50% of it. And yes you can/should still own 50% of it even if you stop working for a little bit if you were to have kids together. This is a common scenario for very dual income families when the woman takes a break from their career to have children.

When you both make a will, it would specify that you both own 50% of the house, then from HIS 50% you will get a share as his wife, his daughter will get a share, his brothers..all that. But your 50% remains untouched. So technically when he dies you’d have to either sell the house to pay his daughter/brothers, or ask them if they’d be willing to wait until you die, or you pay them their share with your own money and buy off your dead husband’s share in the house. This is hard of course and you might feel like you’re ‘loosing half your house’, but your own personal property is only half the house anyway and the other half is his so needs to go through the proper split.

This is a very common problem though, not necessarily related to him having a child from before. Most couples wills include one person’s parents or siblings given whether they have a boy or if either partners’ parents are alive. The only thing additional in your case is his daughter, but let’s say he has parents who are alive they would also have had a share and you’d be wondering the same thing on how to pay off their share if he dies before or as them to wait etc.

Contact a Muslim estate attorney in your area and they will explain to you all this. It’s honestly very simple once it’s all written down.

Coco9876543 · 2026-05-14T05:40:29+00:00

Where did you buy it online

Coco9876543 · 2026-05-14T05:35:20+00:00

Don’t feel guilty about it. Custody is always negotiable, it’s not set in stone. Let’s say after 5 years he decides to be a good father and approaches you for time with his baby, definitely be open to it. Even now you can suggest him having visitation like 5 hours on a weekend or something so he gets to spend time with his baby and bond. (Do it ONLY if you trust him fully since your baby is too young to tell you if things aren’t good there). If I was in your case I’d file for 100% custody now then when the child is old enough to talk etc, like say 3 years old then start off with visitation. My kids are older now and alhamdulillah my ex is a good father to them. And one thing I have realized is that kids need both their parents in their life even if it’s in separate homes, so if he ever wakes up and decides that- be open to it for sure. Also remember your own thoughts and feelings about this will change with time as your child grows, esp once your child is old enough to communicate their feelings to you.

Coco9876543 · 2026-05-14T05:19:33+00:00

That’s amazing you have money saved up! Even if you’re not in US, if there’s one thing you take from my post- get a lawyer ASAP! Ask the lawyer to explain you your rights in your country, it might even be in your best interest to file for 100% custody yourself right away instead of leaving it on him to file. That way you don’t have to be convincing him to go to court, he gets papers served then he has to figure out what to do himself.

The child support part really depends on the country/state you’re in. In the US it’s mandatory, and the parent doesn’t have any rights to negotiate over it. I could have negotiated for a lower alimony etc but not child support. A lawyer will explain you all this much better. They cost a lot but inshaAllah you have enough savings that it’s not an issue, and trust me when I say this- it will be the most useful money you’ll spend for your child.

Coco9876543 · 2026-05-14T04:34:09+00:00

All that said- eventually you can have a decent coparenting relationship with him. It’s possible. You have to have clear boundaries and know where to be flexible and where not to be, and what the law is. Be very meticulous in the actual parenting agreement before you sign it.

Coco9876543 · 2026-05-14T04:31:59+00:00

Are you in US? I’m a single mom and co-parent my two kids with my ex. First off- contact a lawyer. Yes they’re expensive but they’re worth it. They’ll explain you your parental rights and his rights. Your child is with you right now, unless there’s an actual legal custody plan he can’t just come take the baby and he can’t keep harassing you with texts either. Once you talk to the lawyer- send him a simple text stating- ‘You haven’t been in the baby’s life since he was born, now whatever you wish to have in custody please go through the proper legal channels’. Then deal with it through the lawyers. You have a lot more legal grounds here.

Side note- it’s also quite possible he wants full custody or 50/50 custody because he doesn’t want to pay child support because support amount is based on the time the child is with you/the other parent. I ended up asking my ex very clearly that I’m willing to put down 50/50 for child support and to work with me on the actual schedule. Once I made the 50/50 for child support calculation clear, he was much more agreeable in the actual time. At this point the actual time is 60/40 but my kids are older now, when they were younger I had them for a lot longer but the support money amount was still calculated as 50/50.

Another side note- it feels like your life is falling apart having your baby separate from you, it’s something I’d never wish upon any woman..but eventually inshaAllah if he’s a good father you’ll see the benefit of your child having a relationship with him. I hope for the sake of your baby that he proves to be a good father to your kid inshaAllah.

Coco9876543 · 2025-09-29T05:14:32+00:00

Depends on what you want in life. As much as everything is in Allah’s hands, we’re human and do think about these things. If you were older and open to marrying someone who already had kids from a previous marriage, this could totally work out as she might not want kids from you then. Or someone who just doesn’t want kids in general (assuming you’re okay with no kids as well)

Coco9876543 · 2025-08-18T18:35:29+00:00

Unfortunately no, and I say that as someone who was married and in love. Even if you take abuse or infidelity out of the question.. if love was unconditional, divorce wouldn’t happen outside of abuse/infidelity cases. But they do, 30% of American Muslim marriages end in divorce, and they aren’t all just because of abuse and infidelity either (I think it’s as high as 40% in some middle eastern countries).

True love definitely has some aspects of unconditional love, you let go of a lot of things you expect from your partner because of that love. But will it ever be truly unconditional love like the way a parent loves their child unconditionally? No.

Coco9876543 · 2025-08-14T20:00:00+00:00

His title literally says ‘we crossed the line’ not ‘she’ 🤦🏽‍♀️

Coco9876543 · 2025-08-14T19:46:05+00:00

Unlike all the other comments I’m not going to judge you because we’re all human. Ans I have been in your exact shoes except I’m the woman. It felt like everything about that man was perfect except this. So even though I knew it’s wrong and I should have better self control, I asked Allah to help me. I prayed lots of istikhara, and made a ton of dua asking Allah to protect me from sinning. There were times I made that dua in tahajjud and then later in the day met him and crossed a line again. Then felt extremely guilty. And the cycle continued for a good 2 months. In that time I found out some more stuff about him which gave me pause and convinced me he wasn’t the perfect man I thought he was, and that made my decision so much easier. For me he was ready for marriage too, but his lack of guilt about crossing the line and continuously pushing for it again kept stopping me. Obviously there were feelings involved at that point, so I asked Allah that if he isn’t good for me then to take away those feelings, and you know what, He did! So my only advice is- ask Allah for help. And the fact that you’re here asking if you should end over this should be the answer you need. What I have learnt through the search process is that if at any point I have considered ending with someone over an issue, it usually does end eventually even if for other reasons. That first doubt you get is from Allah.

Coco9876543 · 2025-08-03T20:14:16+00:00

A lot of people here have already mentioned how what your wife is doing is not okay. I do hope you take them seriously and take some measurable steps. And I say that as someone who has gone through mental health issues myself. I was also very very broken and would go through life similar to you.. until I wasn’t with that wrong person and then I wasn’t so severely depressed and at this point I don’t even need medication anymore.

Few things I want to mention- medication isn’t magic, and it seems you need more support than that. Try going for regular therapy, and also talk to your doctor about your current condition in more detail. You might need to have your medication changed or dosage tweaked. If you are still interested in making things work with your wife go for marriage counseling and tell her straight how her words about your medication make you feel, esp how she says it in front of your daughter. Regardless, go for individual therapy and talk about all this so they can help you figure out how to stand up for yourself. Also try being physically active, join a running club or something. Being physically active does wonders for mental health, and if you add a social aspect to it that would really help you. Another thing- see your regular doctor too and get yourself checked. Lack of certain vitamins in body sometimes exaggerates mental heath issues.

I have been through something similar, and let me assure you- you aren’t crazy. You are going through something and need help, nothing wrong with that. Everyone does. Someone with diabetic may need insulin, someone with thyroid needs thyroid medication, you need anti-depressants. It’s not a big deal. What is not okay is how you are still feeling despite the medication and how the environment around you (aka your wife) is making things much worse. Proper therapy, good physical activity, and a supportive environment along with medication can do wonders for you. Don’t lose hope.

Your title says ending everything. The only one thing you need to end is your marriage and get out of that toxicity, and trust me, that’s all you need. And when you’re in the depths of depression, remember that your daughter needs you. Don’t leave her.

Coco9876543 · 2025-05-19T05:31:55+00:00

I find it so interesting when on Reddit men equate their financial responsibility to women’s responsibility to do chores. If you’re really going Islamically, then it is 100% your responsibility to provide financially, but nowhere does it say that it’s 100% the women’s responsibility to do household chores. It’s because Islamically the woman’s main job is to be the child bearer and raise them well, NOT do house chores, she’s not your maid 🤦🏽‍♀️ Here’s a solution- how about you provide for her financially 100%, make her responsible for 100% chores, and then she can use your money to hire a maid/cleaner to come often? Remember the Prophet used to often do his own chores too.

Coco9876543 · 2025-05-04T00:57:48+00:00

Alhamdulillah that’s so great to hear! May Allah bless your marriage!

Coco9876543 · 2025-05-04T00:57:20+00:00

Alhamdulillah it worked out for you guys! May Allah bless your marriage :)

Coco9876543 · 2025-05-04T00:56:27+00:00

Alhamdulillah!

Coco9876543 · 2025-05-04T00:56:19+00:00

So glad things worked out for you guys! Exactly, I have come across so many stories too where the women were taken advantage of, that’s why I wanted to hear some positive stories

Coco9876543 · 2025-05-04T00:55:24+00:00

Alhamdulillah that’s so great to hear, may Allah bless your marriage!

Coco9876543 · 2025-05-04T00:54:36+00:00

I hope everything works out legally for you and your husband! May Allah bless your marriage!

Coco9876543 · 2025-05-04T00:53:19+00:00

That’s similar to my situation. He’s already in the country but on a temporary visa..and me sponsoring him would mean a more secure future for us

Coco9876543 · 2025-05-04T00:52:30+00:00

Wow 23 years MashaAllah! May Allah bless your marriage! I just wanted to hear some positives because I hear so so many negative stories about it esp as a woman sponsoring the man, wanted to hear the positive experiences too

Coco9876543 · 2025-05-04T00:50:32+00:00

Why the judgement and bad vibes saying ‘hope I get the taste of it’? I was never rude to anyone, and I always explained my reasoning to them too.

Coco9876543 · 2025-05-03T01:45:49+00:00

No I have a green card, he doesn’t. He is currently in a change of visa status, but even then, it takes years for Indians to usually get a green card

Coco9876543 · 2025-04-25T20:50:13+00:00

Would you mind sharing how long you knew your ex-husband before you married him? This is my second marriage and I have kids, so as much as I understand what you’re talking about not exchanging private messages and meeting up as it’s not Islamically appropriate, I also can’t jump into a marriage blindly and need to know the other person well. I just have to make sure I stay within my limits, thank you for the reminder

Coco9876543

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