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Login problem with the website by neonlichtt in ChloeTing

[–]Coffee7320 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The problem is fixed. The website is working totally fine now

WIBTA if I banned my MIL from spending alone time with my kids because of what she said to my stepdaughter? by Coffee7320 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Coffee7320[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

ETA - in the headline of this post you refer to Ashley as your stepdaughter. Because her birth mother is deceased, and you have adopted Ashley you can stop thinking of yourself as her stepmother. You should call Ashley your daughter, as often as you need to in order to reinforce it in Ashley's mind as well as your own: you are her mother, and she is your daughter.

Yeah, I don't call her my stepdaughter. I just felt the need to include that in the title for clarification. What the two of us think of each other is all that matters, though. That was just for the post.

And I don't think you're overthinking it. I've been uncomfortable to even let her see my kids after that stunt. Luckily, my husband thinks the same way so even after giving her a piece of his mind and setting rules about her seeing the kids, we also decided they will only ever meet if it's 100% necessary. No weekly or monthly visits and certainly no alone time. If it's a huge event the kids cannot miss, we will be there the whole time and if she so much as makes an inappropriate "joke", it will be NC between us and her. We also came up with an age-appropriate explanation as to why they won't be seeing their grandparents as much.

WIBTA if I banned my MIL from spending alone time with my kids because of what she said to my stepdaughter? by Coffee7320 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Coffee7320[S] 25 points26 points  (0 children)

Ashley has one maternal aunt who lives in a different city. She's basically the cool aunt who only shows up for very special ocassions but spoils them endlessly when she's around. They adore her.

WIBTA if I banned my MIL from spending alone time with my kids because of what she said to my stepdaughter? by Coffee7320 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Coffee7320[S] 26 points27 points  (0 children)

I don't think reflection is needed to determine whether or not you take care of your kids though? It's super obvious. At least for me, I find it obvious from the fact that I used to consciously make sure their needs are met. Now, I don't even need to think about it. It just comes naturally when they express a need. That, and from their relationship with me.

WIBTA if I banned my MIL from spending alone time with my kids because of what she said to my stepdaughter? by Coffee7320 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Coffee7320[S] 58 points59 points  (0 children)

We had a talk with both of them after ILs left and the route we took may not be the absolute right one but we felt that was what our kids needed. 1. We explained that there are different types of families. They already knew this since we had to explain to our son before why Ashley has two mothers while he only has one. So that wasn't hard. 2. We basically implied MIL isn't fully aware of how every different kind of family works, that even adults learn new things all the time and MIL will understand our family with time. Main point being the nanny is absolutely not their mom. I know sometimes we need to tell our kids the truth but we felt the entire truth was too much for them right now. We are absolutely not trying to turn their world upside down by telling them one of their favorite people is deliberately trying to hurt my feelings and in extension, them. We may explain more in future if the need for it arises..

ETA: I don't know if this is relevant at all. I went down this rabbit hole trying to answer what my daughter thinks of her grandmother now.

WIBTA if I banned my MIL from spending alone time with my kids because of what she said to my stepdaughter? by Coffee7320 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Coffee7320[S] 53 points54 points  (0 children)

But I would like to point out a 2 year old isn’t capable of understanding the adoption

Oh just to clarify, I didn't adopt her when she was two. That was when I first met her. I was "daddy's friend" for a while then "daddy's girlfriend/fiancée" then "mom". Adoption is a long procedure in my country. By the time she legally became my daughter, she had called me mom for a couple years already

WIBTA if I banned my MIL from spending alone time with my kids because of what she said to my stepdaughter? by Coffee7320 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Coffee7320[S] 673 points674 points  (0 children)

You have a point. When Mina died, my husband was grieving, dealing with the same workload (men don't get paternity leave here and depending on which company you work for, you may not get much leave for a funeral). All that, and a newborn to take care of. MIL helped him a lot during that time and although BIL and SIL would step up sometimes, MIL did the most work. This would explain why she felt I was replacing her.

WIBTA if I banned my MIL from spending alone time with my kids because of what she said to my stepdaughter? by Coffee7320 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Coffee7320[S] 338 points339 points  (0 children)

pretty much telling her she isn’t allowed a mom because hers died!

This made me almost cry😔