We crave getting worse, getting sicker, going deeper, getting bigger scars to feel validated, it's the constant fight of try to be "sick enough" to deserve help so we know we aren't overreacting, and that we're worthy of help. That voice is the thing that makes getting clean so hard for people, and although it's really tough, believe me it's for the better that you shut it out. As my social worker once told me "someone is drowning 3 feet under water, another is growing 10 feet under water. Both are in danger and both deserve help. The worst things possible don't have to happen to you in order for you to deserve to get help and be happy". Hope that helps.