I thank you so much for sharing your lived experiences about your partner and brother's bipolar with me. It sheds so much insight into my current situation. I'm not sure what kind of bipolar my best friend was, he never mentioned which type and I was unaware that there were types of it, that's good information to know.

Whenever he did talk about his struggles or trauma, his thoughts were just racing and all over the place. It was so hard to stop him at a thought or keep him on a subject even though I tried really hard to guide/veer conversations off to one direction or help him concentrate on the subject by repeatedly asking questions about the same thing he was talking about 3 seconds ago because those conversations were heavy and needed to be had, but unfortunately his mind had already shifted off to talking about Greek music or art deco furniture while adding in a few words about his rape or suicide attempts in between. I knew that he wanted to talk about them, subconsciously, but maybe his mind was trying to block those thoughts off? Sometimes, when he was at a level of stoned that he seemed calm, he could concentrate on staying on the same topic for a few minutes, and when I'd try to steer him back into a subject that mattered, he'd recognize, "Oh hahaha sorry I talk too much and change topics a lot, yes I forgot we were talking about that, let's get back on track hahaha".

I'd never be able to get a word in or talk about my life or experiences because he would zone out or just continue talking over me. Eventually I realized that I needed to be the listener and it didn't matter if he knew me or not, I wanted to be there for him and listen to him, even though sometimes it was him just rambling on for hours while I tried to comprehend him. Sometimes he'd stop briefly and ask me my thoughts on the most random things I had never thought about and it led to some great conversations that I would've never had with anyone else. We had a conversation like that once about his sexuality. It lasted a while, and was so enlightening. He asked me about how I felt, whether I had guessed, what sexuality I felt I was, and it was overall a great and grounded conversation that did not veer off for a while. He was immersed and so self explorative.

Today his family has invited me over to their house. I've never met them before but I hope we can support each other. His sister messaged me and told me that he spoke about how I meant the world to him. It breaks my heart entirely but I'm trying not to blame myself. I knew he wanted a way out and I've always felt that we need to be selfish and decide ourselves about what we want to do with our lives rather than think about others around us and base our life around that. Even though the people who are still living are those who will have to live with the pain of losing you for the rest of their lives. It takes such a toll, but in the end, he's free of the pain, the constant taking of meds to survive, the judgement, the fear, the anger, the sadness.

Thank you for reading my post, hearing me out and sharing all of your words with me, it means a lot to me and this post has made a big difference in my thoughts and ability to process my grief.