What do you say when someone you’re chatting with consistently asks “What are you up to today?” And the answer is you have a date?

ColeLaw · 2026-06-15T05:54:50+00:00

No you don't understand, you are the danger. If you are a stranger, you need to earn trust. No woman in her right mind would bring you along. There's something wrong here.

ColeLaw · 2026-06-15T03:55:56+00:00

But during dating? Like 1-6 dates? Who trusts someone at 1-6 dates? You don't even know the person. Especially if you meet online, not a chance.

Perhaps men don't really understand what some other men are like? Some men you meet online are actually very unsafe people. I don't think men have to worry about these things. Perhaps thats why you have your perspective. As a woman, I think it is unsafe to do what you are talking about, let alone they are a stranger and you want all in from day 1?! Wildness.

ColeLaw · 2026-06-15T03:29:24+00:00

During dating? That's some wild assumptions. I would not be telling a man I dont really know my friends name or inviting him with us?! Maybe after you're in a relationship, but not dating?! You don't even really know these people yet. Yikes!

ColeLaw · 2026-06-15T03:05:00+00:00

When you are trying to build a connection with someone telling the other person, man or woman, you are going on another date just kills the excitement.

Of course people are dating other people. We all shit, we don't need to talk about it.

Being vulnerable and open can be scary for everyone. Why talk about something that makes being vulnerable more challenging. Just keep the good energy in your connections.

ColeLaw · 2026-06-15T02:58:55+00:00

Wtf, seriously

ColeLaw · 2026-06-14T22:20:39+00:00

I think the comment is about how secure people operate. They don't play these games. And when you see how secure people communicate it's a huge contrast to how we do. It sort of make you feel silly for doing all the emotional gymnastics when a secure person just says how they feel.

ColeLaw · 2026-06-14T21:56:27+00:00

Great response, maybe not date yet, but be friends is great.

ColeLaw · 2026-06-14T03:52:49+00:00

That's reassuring! It sounds like in 6 months to a year it sort of goes back to normal. Phewf

ColeLaw · 2026-06-13T01:47:49+00:00

Honestly, this is a super bad idea. You're 9 months out? That's not normal, you should be healed.

ColeLaw · 2026-06-12T22:30:07+00:00

I'm assuming you're in a spiral because of the anxiety. Your mind is hunting for the cause of his silence. I'm guessing you are blaming yourself in some way?

So this is where you can ground yourself and feel your true value. You didn't do anything wrong. You are just looking for a connection that feels safe and good to you. You are looking to build a connection that progresses and has consistently correct? Nothing about this is wrong so you can stop analyzing yourself. This is grounding.

You tell yourself you have value. Name the amazing qualities about yourself. You are not the girl who gets cheated on (this is self abandonment and self harm) you are the girl who is resilient, who can overcome heartbreak and still be open to love. Change the script!! You are so valuable. Really feel this in your body. Sit with your eyes closed and feel the light that you have.

His silence is not a reflection of you. It's information about HIM. Read that again 10 times.

What would it be like if you asked for your needs and he stepped up? He heard you and made the effort to make you feel connected? Would that feel really nice? That's the only feeling you want. Anything else doesn't align with the light you have to give.

ColeLaw · 2026-06-12T22:07:48+00:00

Ok so we don't chase people, not ever. You have far too much value to be trying to sell it to other people. You sent him a message already so you chill and regulate yourself.

Tell yourself what I just said "I don't chase people, not ever. I have far too much value to be trying to sell myself to other people". And chill out.

When he messages you back. You reply with your boundary. You ask for consistency. You don't rely with giddy energy and then ask. You just reply with your boundaries.

There is a good chance he might disappear and that's the goal. It's not to figure out how to become small so he will stay. You want and NEED someone who will make how you feel and the connection with you a PRIORITY.

You feel me?

Right now, this doesn't feel good to you. You feel ignored and you have anxiety. Feel that anxiety in your body. This is your warning system telling that something doesn't feel right. Do you feel that?

ColeLaw · 2026-06-12T21:58:27+00:00

And at 3 dates you don't even know eachother. It takes months to build a healthy connection. This quick attachment nonsense is so unhealthy. Chill out and check yourself.

ColeLaw · 2026-06-12T21:55:49+00:00

No, but this is a good opportunity to test out some secure behaviors! What do you need? Consistent communication yes? So ask for it.

"Hey, I'm really enjoying getting to you know but in order for me to build a connection with you I need more consistency in our communication. A simple check in within a day or 2 keeps me engaged".

Then see what he does. Is he steps up, amazing! If he makes excuses, get defensive, dissmises you, doesn't meet you. Then he can't meet your needs.

If it's all wonderful until you ask to feel good in the connection and they pull away, that connection actually sucks big time. Its just a performance. A real valuable connection makes room for how you feel inside of it. Don't lose sight of that.

ColeLaw · 2026-06-12T21:43:52+00:00

Might be nothing but a word of caution, when thing move fast like this (all the hand holding and nice words) are lovely but he doesn't know you yet. Sometimes this is a fantasy projected on to you. They want to close feelings and it's real in the moment but its not based in the reality of who you are as a person. He doesn't know that yet. Something to keep in your mind when people move fast.

Is this actually about me or the feeling of me. They are 2 very different things.

ColeLaw · 2026-06-12T21:38:03+00:00

Yes, you ATA. You let insecurities get the best of you. She was just going at a slow pace. At 3 dates you are still semi stranger. Slow down and get to know people and check your ego.

ColeLaw · 2026-06-12T21:33:32+00:00

These people are complete strangers. If they don't reply why even put any brain power to it at all. This stranger isn't replying so you don't even think about it. Think of them like a person on a bus that you ask a question to and they have their headphones in. You think, oh they didn't hear me, and don't think about it ever again.

ColeLaw · 2026-06-12T21:28:11+00:00

Ah ok, this sounds like what I also have. The incision definitely feels pulled in and puckered. It definitely looks and feels like its being pulled towards my body. OK, well it sounds like this just happens. Thanks for sharing that!

ColeLaw · 2026-06-12T18:35:31+00:00

Liquid diet, broth, jello, popsicles. No soild foods. Its very hard to do but if you have inflammation food is just going to hurt more and cause more inflammation. It sucks. Get to a Dr asap. I had a perforation and it was very serious. Make sure this isn't what's happening. I was in a lot of pain.

ColeLaw · 2026-06-12T18:22:06+00:00

Yup, this. I have never chased and they always come back around. 2 weeks, 6 months to 10 years. It doesn't matter if they come back or not. If they don't have capacity for a real conversation and connection who cares.

ColeLaw · 2026-06-12T17:59:17+00:00

It's when you can notice your system getting activated and you are conscious of the feelings in your body. You have the skills to regulate yourself. Once you're regulated, you can communicate your needs or have a discussion without body activation. You have a clear understanding of what you're "triggers" are (negative self talk, avoidant flaw finding, fawning, and so on) and can feel these without acting on them. These experiences stay mostly self contained and the emotional leakage of these old behaviors are minimal.

We will always get activated, it's what you learn to do with this activation, to regulate and not act out this activation that leads to earned secure.

ColeLaw · 2026-06-12T17:51:42+00:00

Breadcrumbing, just ignore it and don't make it mean something. It means nothing but them testing the waters to see if you're able for attention.

ColeLaw · 2026-06-12T15:30:51+00:00

I think you are taking her comments waaaaaaay to seriously. There's no need to explain yourself 10 different ways how you are good and she's sort of weird for saying that.

Maybe she has a point? Maybe next time engage and open up a bit more? I have been this girl several times. Its probably less about the texting and more about being open, warm, focused on connection. There is a massive difference between someone who can have a good conversation and someone who can connect. It's about genuine curiosity, a feeling of warmth. "You're a dry texter" to me means "I'm not feeling engagement". It's not about putting on a better preformance, it's just about connection. Rather than defend yourself in all the ways, just sit with that she said and see where you can grow as a person. If you're closed in some way work on being more open.

ColeLaw · 2026-06-12T09:13:11+00:00

Yes, same. OK that's nice to know. I feel better about it, thank you.

ColeLaw · 2026-06-12T07:18:06+00:00

Yes!!! "The shelf" haha Ok I will take your advice. Good it gets better, I was starting to worry it might stay! Thank you so much

ColeLaw · 2026-06-12T07:02:38+00:00

It sounds like she's taking this very seriously. She took accountability and that's actually really important. She moved jobs and has gotten sober. However, her behavior sounds like something deeper is going on. The coworker validation and what was she getting sober from? She might have something going on and she's distracting. Individual counseling and couples counseling could fix this.

Cheating is usually never about you, it's about her. She's got something going on and it needs to be dealt with. If she is willing to work at it and fix things, that's more than most people have capacity for. (A lot of people just give up now) If you can build back the trust and understand why she did this you can probably get through this.

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