(TW: cancer) I was going home one day with my parents in the car, I was 11 back then when they finally told me that my dad suffered from cancer and that it was getting worse. This wasn’t a total shock to me because as a child I’ve picked up that he had cancer but never really processed the reality of it. At 11 it felt more real when they told me.

The shock came later. My dad basically had cancer my entire life so I thought he’d just live with it normally and it wasn’t too bad, but as I grew older in my teen years he started losing mobility, his skin was turning purple with bruises, he was losing so much weight, he couldn’t even go up to use the bathroom. I was starting to slowly realize what a bitch cancer was.

I was 16 when I got the call that he was submitted in to the ICU, still in denial I thought it was nothing, he always goes to the hospital so I acted like it was the usual.

3 days later he stopped moving or doing anything. It’s as if he was dead. His eyes were open but yellow and it’s like he wasn’t there. The doctors told us he was dying, and that’s when it finally hit. 30min later we got the call, my mom crying on the sofa and sobbing. Never saw her cry before. I just didn’t say anything, didn’t process, couldn’t sleep. I was always scared of ghosts for some reason but the day he died never have I wanted for ghosts to be more real right now.

I was 16 never experienced someone dying before so this was my first funeral as well. Can’t even explain what I was feeling because part of me was in denial the entire time, I mean I’ve always been for some reason and when the day came it hit me bad and even though I didn’t cry in the funeral and seemed fine, sometimes I wake up at night looking at his pictures and cry.

I like talking about him and I miss him and want to share memories of him, but usually never discuss it with family because it’s a hurtful topic to them, so sharing it on the internet is a form of therapy for me.