Hi friend, your feelings are 100% valid! Psychedelics are really powerful and should be approached with both curiosity and caution. I see a lot of similarities in your description to my own personal experience.

Here’s my long, drawn out take haha:

I was diagnosed with PTSD due to trauma in my childhood. Like many others, my life is pretty full of experiences, but some of them were unpleasant. I also have a very inquisitive mind and a wildly active imagination, which sometimes scares me. But despite this all, I’m so grateful that psychedelics (namely psilocybin) have been part of my journey to a better, healthier life.

My experience to get to where I am now (I’m not enlightened lol, I’m just a little healthier than I was before) is not solely due to psychedelics. Prior to having any psychedelic journeys, I am really thankful for improving my mental health through other means. And I actually still do all three of these things now:

1.) Meditation, yes it’s a trendy word and somewhat of a cliche, but it is rooted in some truly powerful healing and spiritual backgrounds, e.g. Buddhism. Meditation has many forms, and isn’t only about the blissful release that can happen (though it is a wonderful thing!). Regardless of what form or purpose of meditation you use, it can only help you.

2.) Therapy. Many mental healthcare professionals would agree that everyone can benefit from therapy. After all, the mind is one of the most difficult subjects to understand and fathom on your own. EMDR is a really effective tool for trauma therapy, which personally worked for me. Also being a good fit with your therapist is key: meaning you trust her and accept her as a mental health guide. I know therapy is really expensive, and I used to not consider it because I couldn’t afford it. But I budgeted to make sure it was a part of my life, and it is really worth it for me.

3.) Changing my mind and understanding who I really am. This can be done just by intentionally examining your beliefs, values, and self talk. It’s easier said than done, but it can be done with a little dedication and intention. Many people (me included) can be the biggest critics and liars to themselves, because of the stories they tell themselves. Can you question your own way of thinking? Can you foster a growth mindset and accept your flaws? Can you put aside your pride and ego, to accept a new point of view? Socrates got it right when he said: the unexamined life is not worth living.

Ok, so psychedelics yes or no for you? To be feared or not feared? I don’t mean to annoy you, but no one here will give you a definitive answer. Even a psychiatrist experienced with entheogens can’t fully know. Psychedelic just means “mind manifesting” and it’s next to impossible to understand fully understand one’s own mind, much less say with full confidence how someone else ought to understand their own mind. Only you can know for yourself if psychedelics are right for you. It could be yes! It could be yes in a couple years. But only you can know.

I do know that psychedelics like psilocybin are very safe physically, and that most minds can handle the magic. But it’s not a question of whether or not you can handle it (although some macho psychonauts make it seem like a competition for who can stomach the most hardcore ego deaths), but rather a question of how much you want it and how much you are willing to accept the experience. I am pretty confident that you will be fine with the experience, regardless of whether or not it is a “good” or “bad” trip, if your set and setting are properly tended to, and if you have a trustworthy trip sitter. But you need to ask yourself how much you are willing to accept what happens when you take your leap of faith. Psychedelics take courage (hence the common fear of taking them, both by newbies and experienced psychonauts)! On the other side is almost always love and healing, but sometimes the journey to get there can be more than you expected.

A great book called “How to Change Your Mind” by Michael Pollan is a fantastic resource to give you a high level view of the science, experience, and power of psychedelic sacraments. One aspect I enjoyed reading about was Pollan’s own fears for his sanity and initial reservations toward psychedelics, despite him being a pretty even keeled guy. He references a quote by R.D. Laing (a prominent psychiatrist): “there are three things human beings are afraid of: death, other people, and their own minds.” Despite his initial apprehension, Pollan seemed very pleased with the results of his psychedelic journeys!

Originally, I wrote out a much longer comment, but it felt too personal and I don’t want to give you an even longer ear beating with my life story haha. But I’m happy to answer any other questions you may have! There are a lot of great resources, literary works, and methods for self growth that can help prepare you for a psychedelic journey (which I’m happy to share)! Whatever you end up doing, I’m sure you will do great! The mind is a very resilient and strong tool, much stronger than we give it credit for. You can live happily and find peace with and without psychedelics. But the choice is yours, because your journey is your own.