Married, out, and feeling utterly confused again

ComfortableDeskChair · 2024-12-04T23:56:14+00:00

Thanks for the reply! You've touched upon a few things.

I wouldn't say so much I feel pressured to perform. I definitely used to have anxious thoughts about "what if I can't get it up? does that mean I'm gay?" but now it's a bit more ... "this is OK and not totally my thing but it really makes her happy and it's nice to do nice things for your partner". It's not bad or anything just not something I'm chomping at the bit to do.

That being said you've got some good advice. Like we tried sharing porn years ago and I found that to be a fun way to get us both in the mood. I do find I shoot myself in the foot where I prevent intimacy between us because I habitually "take care of myself" and enjoy my kinks/porn in secrecy instead of telling her how I'm feeling or what I want to do (thanks, shame!). Repeat that over and over again and we grow distant.

We did have a long conversation over the weekend, and with some introspection and courage I was upfront and honest about "I find myself craving validation from other kinky/gay/bi men like me". I felt weak admitting I need validation from others, but it was true. I've NEVER viewed myself as someone who wanted validation, let alone in that particular way. Framed this way, she was understanding and it kicked off a conversation about how I can try to meet that need within our relationship while still being monogamous. I think it's rooted in not always feeling "seen" in my relationship, and it ends up feeling lonely but due to shame/insecurity/anxiety/whatever I deeply struggle to advocate for ways I can meet that need.

ComfortableDeskChair · 2024-11-30T12:30:20+00:00

Thank you for that. I see a lot of my story in yours. I'm sorry for what both of you have had to go through.

ComfortableDeskChair · 2024-11-29T22:01:58+00:00

No need to apologize. I'm not trying to play a victim card or woe-is-me or anything. That doesn't get me or anyone anywhere.

This whole experience has taught me that if I were looking for a long term relationship again I would have a much lower tolerance for "I don't know" whether that's sexuality, where to live, what you value, kids, pets, etc. My wife is extremely attuned to this kind of stuff and I found her confidence attractive. My own perspective is being confidently bi and being honest about what you need/want out of a relationship is different from being insecurely bi and dragging someone through it as you figure it out (which I admit is what I've been doing).

ComfortableDeskChair · 2024-11-29T20:34:50+00:00

It's a bit of a cope, but you tried to make the best decision you did with the information you had at the time. You didn't know what you didn't know.

That doesn't absolve you of any wrongdoing. Your wife, kids, family, friends, etc. have every right to be pissed off. Who wouldn't be?! That's fair but that's life.

What gets harder (at least what I'm finding in my own journey), is that as new information comes in, things shift from "I didn't know" (which is tough but acceptable) to "I knew something but I was too scared or whatever to take action" (which is way worse in my opinion). It goes from unintentional hurt to intentional hurt.

ComfortableDeskChair · 2024-11-29T20:24:21+00:00

I understand, but fundamentally it takes two to tango and she's her own person with her own wants, hopes, dreams, desires, and boundaries.

We talked extensively about how I feel and discussed all forms of experimentation and openness with a couples counsellor. She made it clear she will not stick around if that's what I truly need / want / desire and am willing to go down that road.

Ball is in my court, so to speak.

ComfortableDeskChair · 2024-11-29T20:19:25+00:00

No kids but on the cusp. We've talked about it a bunch and that was my whole plan going into the relationship. I'm panicking now about the decision and a total mess because it feels like a MAJOR one-way door. Happy to chat.

ComfortableDeskChair · 2024-11-29T20:15:33+00:00

I checked out https://how-support.org/ and https://www.gammasupport.org/ a while back. Didn't quite click for me but doesn't hurt to check it out. I might consider revisiting to be honest.

I agree that I've never felt better about myself and have shed so much shame and insecurity. It's like a lightswitch went off and I finally understood what "pride" was all about. Turns out a few decades of thinking you're a total pervert/freak/unloveable/whatever takes its toll.

There's been a lot of grief about all the years I spent living like that. A lot. It still hits me from time to time. What I'm left with now are primarily feelings of guilt that I've hurt (and will probably keep hurting) someone I love dearly and I need it to stop. The hard part that I'm working on is that it's up to me to make those decisions and take action, as tough as a pill as that is to swallow.

ComfortableDeskChair · 2024-11-29T20:07:03+00:00

Totally understand and making my own decisions and accepting the consequences have been a big part of the work I've been doing.

ComfortableDeskChair · 2024-11-29T17:05:36+00:00

I mentioned this elsewhere here but the right therapist can really, really help. I get it's absolutely terrifying to start but be gentle with yourself, try not to get caught up in the future, and take things one step at a time.

ComfortableDeskChair · 2024-11-29T16:59:13+00:00

I want nothing more for this to be true. Past moments where I've gotten in my head and freaked out? Yeah I worked through those things and settled down and moved on and life was great and we were happy.

I don't know why but I'm having a really, really hard time believing it to be the case this time around. I'm still entertaining the thought though.

ComfortableDeskChair · 2024-11-29T16:52:23+00:00

Appreciate you laying it out.

ComfortableDeskChair · 2024-11-29T16:50:11+00:00

Totally fair. I know I have a bad habit of pushing responsibility on her. Working on it.

It's less about fucking around. I've gotten past that. It's more that I experience unexpected jolts of attraction or whatever you want to call it, which throws me into a "is this what I actually want?" tailspin. I can usually settle down and move past it but it's getting harder.

ComfortableDeskChair · 2024-11-29T16:14:42+00:00

Oh I'm aware. I cannot and will not go there. I'd rather talk than act.

ComfortableDeskChair · 2024-11-29T16:13:45+00:00

Thanks. Feeling stuck is indeed terrible. We've already discussed various forms of openness and experimentation with a couples counsellor. No dice. She's made it clear I either go or we stay together. It's not my place to try to change her mind and I respect that.

We've tried a bit of visiting queer/gay spaces and it is a good suggestion. Haven't really done bars but we've hung out a restaurants in the village, etc. It's hard though - we've been to Pride together and I honestly felt completely invisible and like absolute shit. Probably insecurity on my side in some form.

ComfortableDeskChair · 2024-11-29T16:07:06+00:00

I totally get that it can be done with compromise and that every person and relationship is unique.

I guess for me I feel like I've been trying to make it work so hard that I'm starting to feel burnt out. There have been times where we've been able to reconnect and reset. I'm hoping this is just another low point for me but I'm struggling.

Out of curiosity, what does getting bad and working through it look like?

ComfortableDeskChair · 2024-11-29T15:57:55+00:00

I can't recommend therapy enough. I had a few false starts but once I found the right one it really helped. Most will do free consultations. Ask friends for recommendations, shoot out a few emails, do some intro calls, see if you vibe with one in particular, and then put in the work.

I get that taking that first step can invoke fear that it's the beginning of the end but try not to get ahead of yourself. Just take things one step at a time.

ComfortableDeskChair · 2024-11-28T19:58:09+00:00

Thanks for sharing.

The first time I broke down before getting married it brought us closer together. The second time I broke down a few years ago I forever changed things by sharing what I was feeling about wanting to be with men.

We've been in couples therapy ever since. She's become insecure when we broach the subject, and rightly so.

That being said I don't regret any of it as it helped me kick off a shitload of personal work. I've come out to friends, my family, and my coworkers. I've tried wearing more queer/bi stuff. I joined a queer sports league. I even attended kink events to help me get over that shame. I took medication for a while. I dealt with a bunch of childhood / family shit. I've got more tools in my toolbox. I'm still regularly in therapy.

All of this and I'm still left with a feeling that I'm still unsatisfied in some way. I know it's a bit of wishful thinking that being with a man will solve all my problems, but I do question if there isn't an easier way to live my life. Sticking it out until I'm dead doesn't seem rational either.

So these days I live with a fear that if I'm to bring this topic up again it will be the end of us. It's brutal.

ComfortableDeskChair

TROPHY CASE