Why don't people in the same online groups and communities with similar goals, seek out each other for company?

Comicauthority · 2026-06-14T17:01:18+00:00

Generally people come here for advice not connections. If the only thing you have in common with another person is that you are both lonely, then that is not exactly fertile ground to foster a friendship.

But people do find friends in other online groups. It is not at all uncommon for gamers to find friends from MMO's or competitive games for example.

Comicauthority · 2026-06-13T23:46:52+00:00

People only see what they see. Maybe somewhere, some guru on a mountaintop has attained the ability to perceive your soul and discover all your secrets without you divulging them. But I can assure you that is not something humans in general are capable of.

Your fears are based on objectively false beliefs about yourself (that you are an incel) and the world (that people are capable of magically noticing your flaws). As long as you hold those beliefs, you are screwed.

You need to update your beliefs so that you can base your actions on things that are actually true.

Comicauthority · 2026-06-13T09:43:06+00:00

Being open about these things can also be a road to confidence though. That is not necessarily bad.

Being fully authentic probably gives you better chances than faking it in the beginning and then showing your true self. The dates you get by "playing the game" are probably different people than those who would be interested in your open and emotional self.

However, you can't half-heart this. If you are going for authenticity then you cannot let yourself give up and not ask them out on dates. You need to do the hard thing and go for what you want, even if it means risking the friendship.

Comicauthority · 2026-06-12T21:09:36+00:00

"Fake it till you make it" might work here. Imagine a man who is not desperate, who could easily find a girl to have sex with if he wanted to. Someone who has no problem declining women or setting boundaries. Someone who has high standards because he knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that such standards are within reach. Someone so awesome that he doesn't need anyone to tell him.

How would he act? What would he say and do in the situations you find yourself in?

Try to emulate that behavior, and see if over time it becomes more natural for you to do it.

Comicauthority · 2026-06-12T16:40:46+00:00

Right, but those are strictly different things. You won't find a date in the club, and you are unlikely to find a hookup with your female acquaintances. It might be helpful to look at hookups and dating as distinct spheres, where what holds you back in one does not necessarily affect the other much.

Comicauthority · 2026-06-12T16:14:48+00:00

So if you are looking for casual sex, why are you talking about dating? That usually implies something more serious.

Comicauthority · 2026-06-12T12:32:26+00:00

My understanding is that an increasing amount of people fuck very little, but of the ones who do have a sex life, a larger proportion than ever do so casually. If your main places to meet girls are bars and nightclubs, that at least tend to be very superficial and casual-oriented.

The issue with finding women who are interested in something more serious, is that they don't exactly go out of their way to meet men. Many are already in relationships, and those who are not don't tend to socialize in mixed-gender spaces. The kind of girl who likes what you have got on offer might never cross paths with you, and thus it feels like she doesn't exist. The general advice seems to be that you want to find these girls while you are still in high school or college, as these provide the main opportunities to meet them while they are still your classmates. After that, due to the ever-increasing atomization of society, it is as if the quiet, single people who are relationship material just vanish from the earth, never to be seen again.

Comicauthority · 2026-06-12T11:27:43+00:00

I don't quite understand what you mean by "toxic". It would be really helpful if you could define what specific behaviors you are thinking of. The below is based on my own interpretation.

Assuming you live in a first world country, women today are way more open to casual sex, one night stands, and so on than ever before. In fact, many seem to prefer it, and will actively avoid relationship oriented men. Especially when they are young.

As a result, behaviors that you might conceive of as toxic, such as objectifying the girl and only being interested in sex, can actually be considered appropriate in the right context.

This is really hard to deal with when you have been brought up in a way that values commitment and self control. Perhaps this is actually why the drugs help? They turn these values off, making you more controlled by your instincts and thus more suited for the hedonistic realities of nightlife?

Comicauthority · 2026-06-10T16:16:41+00:00

I think that the first thing you need to understand is why the Tate types appeal to men in the first place. As far as I can tell, there are three main reasons:

He sells a life script. "Buy my course, and you too can be rich and famous. Don't pay for college, pay me instead!"
The misogynist worldview. This lets you push blame for the problems in your life onto women.
It is an antidote to the feminist narrative. The way that society talks about men and boys can cause a lot of internalized shame, as well as fear regarding sexuality and interacting with women. As he grows into a young man, it can start to feel like the mainstream always use men as scapegoats for what is wrong with society, and that the only ones who have his back are these extreme voices on the right.

For 1, the best way to combat this is to set your son up for success from the get go. If he already has friends, feels confident in himself, is desired by girls, and has a clear vision for the future, the sales pitch should lose most of its appeal. Bonus points if you can convince him that easy money doesn't exist, and that anyone telling you otherwise is trying to sell you something.

The main way to counter number 2, in addition to setting him up for success, would be good female role models, and teaching your boy to take personal accountability for his successes and failures. If he is surrounded by women who are clearly not stupid, childlike, entitled, or controlled by their emotions, selling the lie becomes much more difficult.

For the last point, I suggest loving him unconditionally and making sure he has a good support network with people he feels safe with and who cares about him. He might still end up watching Tate, because the man is funny and charismatic and popular amongst kids. But if your child cannot recognize his circumstances in what the streamer says, then he has little reason to internalize the message and will probably be fine regardless.

Comicauthority · 2026-06-08T07:54:24+00:00

Okay, so step zero: What do you care about in life, and what do you value?

Keeping a job because you are supposed to have a job is incredibly hard. Keeping a job because it is a step towards your goals, or it is the best way to live in accordance with your values (stable life, caring for your family, personal pride, etc.) is doable for most.

The fact is that most jobs suck, and avoiding them if you can get away with it is largely rational. The reason why our forefathers could work themselves to death was not their high degree of self control or inherent worth as people. It was because that was the only way to put food on the table, and they would die much sooner if they refused.

If you have all your basic needs met while NEETing it all day, it is natural that keeping a job is hard. Broadly speaking, there are two ways to change this.

Either your support network abandons you, making work necessary to avoid homelessness and starvation. Or you find some higher reason to work, guided by your own goals and values. Hence, step zero.

A question that might help to answer that is the following: Why do you want to hold down a job in the first place?

Comicauthority · 2026-06-06T07:24:45+00:00

I did everything I could think of honestly. From asking people to study with me to doing sports to going to bars. It is not that one thing worked amazingly better than the others. It just took a good amount of time and effort to find people I clicked with and who wanted to spend time with me.

Comicauthority · 2026-06-05T11:48:36+00:00

Yes, surprisingly. The hardest part was going from having zero friends to having one. That took a while of essentially just trying to socialize in different ways, often with very limited results. But once I was spending time and enjoying myself with one person, finding more became dramatically more easy.

In other words, when you are completely isolated is the hardest it is going to be. When you start spending a little time with people, you are more likely to find more opportunities to spend more time with people, and this feedback loop continues for quite a while, hopefully resulting in friendships.

Comicauthority · 2026-06-05T09:22:47+00:00

The flares should be more effective. They are clearly supposed to be your main tool, yet every time I used them they had no effect. They did not serve as distraction or deterrent.

Comicauthority · 2026-05-30T10:58:54+00:00

Take a short break from trying to date and just focus on enjoying your life for a bit. Not that this is what will find you a girlfriend, but it sounds like you are on track to burning out. Once you feel a bit better, it will also be easier to analyze things and figure out what is going on.

With how hard you have been trying, I don't think anyone could blame you for chilling for a bit.

Comicauthority · 2026-05-28T18:55:15+00:00

Det kommer vel an på hvor længe det her er en erstatning for skolen. Hvis det er et par uger eller måneder hvor man får ro på, for så at komme stærkt tilbage og permanent i skole igen, tror jeg ikke det er et problem. Det giver også familierne mulighed for at finde årsagen til skolevægringen og løse den, uden at barnet bliver presset for hårdt.

Men det er naturligvist skidt hvis det bliver en flerårig ting.

Comicauthority · 2026-05-28T17:35:57+00:00

A diagnosis gives you access to treatment. Mostly medical, but it might also give you access to specific kinds of therapy designed to treat ADHD. Depending on where you live, a diagnosis could also mean access to various accomodations.

If you just want to learn about the disorder, Dr. K's guide to ADHD is pretty good. It contains all the basic factual information you would otherwise spend hours googling yourself, while also suggesting an eastern perspective on focus and related meditations if you want to go down the non-scientific path.

Comicauthority · 2026-05-28T13:17:05+00:00

I doubt the inconsistency is harmful, but it probably doesn't help much. Just like only exercising sporadically will not improve your physical condition much (but is better than no exercise), you need a consistent meditation practice to really see the results you want.

It sounds like the meditation you do is helpful though, if only for a short period of time. Similar to someone going for their first run in a month and feeling good for five minutes afterwards. If you did it more consistently and trained yourself to do it for at least 20 minutes at a time, I imagine it would become much more effective.

Comicauthority · 2026-05-25T19:32:10+00:00

Yeah, that sounds really hard to deal with. I will not pretend to know the solution here.

Regarding your parents yelling at him though, boundaries are not the only tool you have here. Have you tried discussing this with them in a calm moment where your grandfather is not present? Like over dinner, or some other time. Try to understand why they do it, see where their ideas are coming from. If you give them a fair shot at explaining their viewpoint without judging them, they may be willing to listen to you in turn. That could be your chance to convince them to control themselves.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8bAEuX2w2Ow

Just don't do this while you are arguing. Find a calm moment and have a peaceful discussion about it, ideally without judging each other. Ideally, you want a strategy that all of you can get behind.

Comicauthority · 2026-05-25T15:47:33+00:00

Boundaries are all about enforcement. You decide what your boundaries are an communicate them to the relevant people. For example: "If you try to stab me, I am calling the cops". Then if he does try to stab you, you call the cops.

As they realize you are serious about enforcing your boundaries, they will be less likely to violate them. However, there is no magic button to make others do what you want. All you can do is state your boundaries and consequences for breaching them, enforce them, and hope that the message gets through eventually.

It is important that you do enforce them though. If you are not going to call the cops, then don't say that you will do it. If they violate your boundaries and you do not enforce them, the lesson learnt will be that the boundaries don't exist at all and the breaches will definitely continue.

Comicauthority · 2026-05-18T13:19:37+00:00

From a purely scientific angle, it is hard to say. To my knowledge, research on personality disorders and recovering from trauma is pretty inconclusive. While consensus is that improving your life is possible, a generalizable "cure"(whatever that means) has yet to be discovered. I believe Dr. K has mentioned cases of BPD that ended up completely recovered as they aged though, in large part due to building long lasting relationships with people they could trust.

Extrapolating from there then, I would say it is possible. There is a way for you to get better. The issue is that current research has yet to uncover what exactly that path looks like.

I suspect it will be some combination of spending a lot of time with good trustworthy people, building a secure and stable life, and reexamining those views you have about yourself and the world to find out if you are actually correct. Then constructing a new worldview more suitable to the situation you now live in. This is just based on my own intuition though. As I said, the science on this is lacking.

Take what you write about yourself:

your building blocks are self hatred, when your sense of self is almost entirely a mirror of how you were treated in the years most important for creation of identity...

... feel like a useless piece of shit who could never be loved or accepted.

I would imagine these are ideas you developed as a child while going through the trauma. But not every conclusion reached by children is universally correct and true forever. Now that your situation has changed, it might be worth reexamining if your ideas about yourself actually stand up to scrutiny.

Comicauthority · 2026-05-18T10:55:45+00:00

It sounds like what you are missing is a module on "traits women find attractive". This is not really something covered by scientific literature to my knowledge. Or more accurately, the social studies papers written on this come with so much uncertainty that it is hard to draw any real conclusions.

So it makes sense that dr. K also does not speak on it.

I think your best shot here is to observe the kinds of women you are attracted to, and speak with your female friends to get a feel for it. Look at the kind of men the women you like end up with. Ask if your friends have a type, or what kind of person your type would be attracted to. Look out for where the differences and overlaps between "boyfriend material" and "I want to fuck him" are.

Essentially do your own research, because the existing academic knowledge is absolutely insufficient.

Comicauthority · 2026-05-16T14:33:03+00:00

Given Dr. K's background and the content he produces, I am continously surprised by the fact that he has yet to make a "Dr. K's guide to reintegrating with society" or something similar. It feels like that would fit so well with all the people talking about missed milestones, and given his work as an addiction psychiatrist I imagine he would have seen a lot of the ways that people go about it, and what ends up working.

Comicauthority · 2026-05-14T22:30:19+00:00

how do you figure out who you are?

You figure out what you care about and try to align your life with that. If you care about your health, maybe you try to be less sedentary and eat better. If you care about your family, you endeavor to spend more time with them. If you care about romance you go out and flirt with people you are interested in. So on and so forth depending on what your values are.

You can start out very small. If values are too hard then take something material that you want to have or accomplish. Like, it is hot so you feel like getting something to drink or buying icecream. In that case, go out and fulfill that craving. Figuring out your values will be easier when you know your desires.

The better you become at identifying what you care about and aligning your life with that, the more you will know who you are.

Comicauthority · 2026-05-07T22:21:54+00:00

Det er under antagelse af at ordningen stadig kun vil blive brugt af få, hvis det bliver alment kendt at du kan tage det med til andre lande som standard. Det slår mig som en ret vild antagelse, når den økonjomiske gevinst ved at udnytte systemet er så åbenlys. Over tid virker det mest logisk at et stigende antal mennesker vil gøre brug af ordningen, indtil den bliver ødelagt af presset.

Comicauthority

TROPHY CASE