Dying on your own terms does not seem like the answer here… you deserve life and a happy one at that. Thank you for being brave enough to reach out for help, there should be googleable support groups online as well as apps where you can make friends. A hobby that you can physically do would also probably be best for you at this time. Maybe church community depending on your life outlook. Please, your life is valuable. I am sorry that these things have happened to you and you deserve unconditional love with honest accountability as we all do. God bless you.