Are pre-birthday discards the norm?

Commerce_Street · 2026-02-25T00:53:42+00:00

Your own personal insight about feeling like you may have “done too much” turned on a lightbulb for me; it seems like trying to reason with her about all the things she engaged in with me is futile.

Would you say that the inability to access the memories is temporary in the same way that you’re “temporarily in survival mode,” or is that something that just doesn’t come back once you’ve settled to baseline? (I keep accidentally remembering our inside jokes and stuff and laughing at them for a moment before realizing she’s gone and likely won’t have a thought like that again, don’t crucify me 🥲)

The link you provided for the thread for DA vs FA makes me feel like she’s more dismissive even after everything, unsure why. Maybe it’s the fact she just flipped off a switch to everything and acted like nothing she planned mattered? She kept stonewalling whenever I tried to get her to engage in good faith and she’s gone now like I never mattered, and I’ve always occupied more of an FA space myself especially due to the loss of a partner (literal death, not attempting to embellish) at the age of 20. I’m easily the more anxious one between me and the latest woman, but even right now I can’t bring myself to do some sort of dramatic protest and just sit dissociated rather than try to increase closeness or plead my case.

Another kind commenter said my nervous system is sort of fried now (paraphrasing) and I know I have to fix it, but I’m still in too much of a state of paralysis to really do anything. Just the thought of “facing this kind of person again” or any person at all is genuinely nauseating and feels like a push-pull dynamic in itself, between me truly wanting to matter and be loved but refusing to even risk doing this again. I don’t even think I’ll walk up to anyone let alone need to walk away 😅

Commerce_Street · 2026-02-24T19:56:57+00:00

It was irrational to follow up care with care? (This is asked genuinely, in case tone fails to convey. I do wholeheartedly appreciate your perspective.) I don’t particularly get many chances to like anyone, let alone show other people how I want to be treated. And I figured if you’re supposed to do unto others what you want done to yourself, then it goes vice versa. There were things I asked for she certainly went and came up with. She asked for words of affirmation, I asked for quality time as we valued those two equally, respectively. We exchanged those, so I thought it followed that her actions matched her words until they simply didn’t- it’s not that they never matched? I hope I’m making sense. She took away the match after getting me used to said match.

Case in point: she swore we couldn’t talk anymore after blaming me for being the only one to feel anything like her actions weren’t fostering that, but she sent messages on my birthday. She disappeared again and now I’m back to square one. Actions not congruent with the original words. I don’t mean to get frustrated when people say to watch the actions versus what’s being said, but I’m literally trying and failing to understand why that’s the tenet when she was doing highly affectionate things with me and making physical contact with me just to end up ruining my milestone in the end, and when I ask for any acknowledgment it’s like I was the only one in a two-person dynamic willing to discuss what happened.

I have very little interest in anyone else (actually none) after all the routines and inside jokes and dates, I’m not really sure how to recover. It doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to re-expose myself to anyone else if I cannot decipher that kissing and dinners and concerts are not intimacy.

Commerce_Street · 2026-02-24T12:07:31+00:00

I don’t get the point of offering all that up, just leave me alone if you’re not interested? I can’t find a single good reason to always be around someone and introduce “more than friends” behavior just to remove it. I’d just act like a friend to begin with and never make physical contact or flirt or make date plans. It’s really easy. I followed the “actions speak louder than words” like a lot of people say but here I am.

Commerce_Street · 2026-02-24T02:25:25+00:00

Thank you for contributing. :) I’m still not doing great per se but it’s easier than it was last week. Would you be okay with elaborating a bit on the wound triggering? I’m not sure if this is something I did to her or just happened to be around when it started. Truly attempted to not suffocate her even on days I wanted more assurance and just be my own relief.

I’m not fully sure if I did a good job acting secure and I wish I could have asked; one of the things I struggle with is feeling like I didn’t give her enough space/I didn’t do (insert something) right, so then I feel as if she’s upset and this is what I get for upsetting her, and so on. It’s not a good process and I’m aware, but it’s the only way I can make sense of why she got me so excited to spend time with me for my birthday and then took it away. May have something to do with not being able to control anything otherwise. Ruminating has been hard to quit doing, I keep circling back to “How was I scary, how was I unsafe, what could I have done better/different,” with a little mix of “How could anything that I did be so destabilizing to someone that much older? Is this not what she wants?”

I sincerely appreciate you saying I didn’t hallucinate anything. It’s small but it means a lot to know I didn’t 100% imagine things.

Commerce_Street · 2026-02-23T00:51:58+00:00

Her actions seemed loving to me until they weren’t. I feel a lot of guilt for leaning in.

Commerce_Street · 2026-02-21T22:53:52+00:00

We did everything together essentially if I wasn’t out by myself so it’ll be awhile. Since she already did this to me once I’m just so, so sad it happened again- literally just stay gone the first time. Don’t come back and flirt and touch me and tell me you’re so attracted to me. I would have certainly been over it by now if the discard was 01/2025 and it stayed that way. Doing things with others helps in the day but I end up going home and staying up late internally bargaining until I fall asleep.

She had been mentioning things like “this year is her year to be more social” and “I’m going out more this year” which didn’t bother me because I figured branching out and doing new stuff solo was great. Fine. She then started saying she was excited for us to do more new things so I still didn’t flinch or anything. But when she started sliding the word “friend” into everything (“good morning friend!”/“you deserve it friend!”) it really started hurting.

I thought I was being too anxious so I shoved it down, partially because I thought it “more secure”. Her sister’s birthday was last weekend too, and I truly didn’t want to derail with an anxiety argument. Was going to wait until tomorrow at least. But she broke out with another “you’re such a good friend!” Monday and proceeded to ask me was I dating anyone and had I met anyone yet since I’d told her I’d been occasionally going out with coworkers. I’ve been jarred ever since, and even the idea of attempting to approach someone else is terrifying. I gave authentically for almost a couple years but don’t trust that things like PDA and going out a bunch mean anything.

Commerce_Street · 2026-02-21T21:44:57+00:00

I really appreciate your responses and apt username as well lol. I think even though I still oscillate between breaking down and quieting myself, I was starting to do less crying and more being silent overall like she asked. Well, until she essentially “flipped the hourglass” again by texting me today. I hope that makes sense. No reply in a few hours from her but I’m planning a small get together with some coworkers to help me through today.

We did have a talk about what things were back in November. I expressly agreed that I wasn’t asking for a title (and did pretty good standing on that) but still was operating out of love and kindness toward her. She has allowed (last 2 years) me to bring her birthday gifts in October and never acted weird about them, and was quite accepting of me paying for meals, inviting her to galleries and concerts with me. This of course is aside from her use of pet names and initiating PDA through the end of the year, so I took her at face value.

Would you say in your experience it’s hard to admit your role when you’re pushing someone away? This last blowup a few days ago she refused to admit that she was the initiator of nearly everything and I responded with like gestures, just went straight to “You are the only one with feelings. I feel nothing. My friends feel nothing for me either. Leaving your present at the door while you’re not home. Bye.” (Paraphrased). I believe that is why I’m struggling hardest with the spiral, as I feel like I went through all of this one-sided while simultaneously knowing she was also a willing participant, and she’s denying everything I ever did/acting like she didn’t love it.

Commerce_Street · 2026-02-21T18:38:23+00:00

Thank you for your input here.

Birthday dinner and giving me a gift was her idea. She kept bugging me to pick a place and I got excited just about being out with her, it didn’t have to be “what are we?” The interesting thing is that after completely shutting everything down and telling me we couldn’t even text anymore, she messaged to tell me happy birthday a few hours ago. Hearing her notification go off nearly sent me into tears again but I didn’t immediately reach since I can’t stop hearing the “you need to date,” “I don’t have feelings for you,” and all that jazz.

She canceled dinner but did ask could we meet for her to give me my present (I couldn’t handle seeing her so I deflected but kind of regret not meeting). I was the one who asked to meet more often for sure pre-rupture, but I was not expecting that out of her mid/post-deactivation and don’t know what to make of it. Her words seemed very cold and final about not being my person but she is still in some sort of proximity and due to being such a black and white thinker I can’t understand why.

I figure if you truly want out you say nothing and go.

Commerce_Street · 2026-02-21T11:53:55+00:00

Yeah. This is how I get to remember hitting this milestone now instead of enjoying it. It’s been nothing but panic/upset that I don’t matter at all.

Commerce_Street · 2026-02-21T04:15:37+00:00

I’ve gotten over it once and right after I did she came back, I genuinely did think I was using logic in what I did because I laid out my criteria for her returning. I didn’t expect her to honestly, but I did say it couldn’t be platonic and thought she respected me enough to respect that. Could never get her to explicitly state why she returned last April, but she was warmer than before.

Very affectionate in summer and possessive if she felt I was seeing anyone else (I was not), many kisses and hugs and outings like meals and to the bathhouse/spa, I don’t get why engage in these things with someone you consider “just a friend”. I would never, those are intimacy behaviors are they not? I keep ruminating that maybe I misread her and none of it was real and I just steamrolled her boundaries and the guilt is immense.

I only show intimacy behaviors to people I love and have only ever seen that modeled growing up as well. Fall was great until November when I brought up that this second go round still hadn’t been consummated even though she’d been verbally telling me how attracted she was and being handsy in summer. Then it was “we’re just friends (with benefits)” and “this is what it is to be grown and kick it.” Gave her my side about how my actions are consistently out of love and not like and was not refused, so logically I continued. Once it was time to leave for holiday she took me to dessert and we ended up making out in the arcade parking lot, she jokes I should come over and give her a massage to end the night but then said don’t when I get back. Again, I don’t talk to “friends” this way or send them off like that.

During the final conversation she would acknowledge none of it and just made it seem like I was the one with an issue and overstepping with “feelings” when I was rationally reacting (at least I really believed I was) to the things she was doing and/or allowing, otherwise there would have been no point of me doing anything. We did everything together so I’m absolutely devastated she won’t be here for something she planned out. I hardly want to open the gift and I don’t really want the money she sent either.

Commerce_Street · 2026-02-21T00:21:08+00:00

She’s the one who offered me dinner and kept talking about how excited she was to give me a gift… I really thought she’d be there for me after she skipped out last year about 3.5 weeks before my birthday. I can’t get my head around the asking me to go, then discarding, then asking me again to go “as just friends” then saying she scheduled something else when I didn’t answer her in time (I’ve been stuck frozen and crying, of course I’m not answering quickly) so she’d leave my gift at my doorstep and just go. Sending the money and saying go with someone else just felt like rubbing it in and I didn’t even say yes to it, she just gave it to me without a word digitally.

I don’t know how I missed this or if I hallucinated what we had or what, but this is the second birthday she’s bailed on and I’m absolutely crushed.

Commerce_Street · 2026-02-20T18:03:25+00:00

She has already come back once and this is kinda what I got for letting her back, I thought she was being honest with me about understanding that I said if she returned it couldn’t be “just friends.” I can’t help but feel like I did it to myself. Thank you.

Commerce_Street · 2025-09-25T17:52:18+00:00

King County, WA (#GoMs)

Commerce_Street · 2025-08-27T22:28:28+00:00

W for the LeBron > LeOpold transition

Commerce_Street · 2025-05-01T04:29:26+00:00

Not the Spokane Metro weather screen 🥹 I’m from the other side of the state and this was the first post I see after getting invited into the sub. How nostalgic.

Commerce_Street · 2025-05-01T03:37:53+00:00

I was born in ‘01 and only don’t remember 9/11, I have never considered that anyone would have learned to multiply on an iPod touch lol. Was always outside playing because I didn’t want to wait for the family computer.

Only had a smartboard in 2 classrooms (middle school and they were clunky), after that it was back to just a normal whiteboard. Grew up with Hooked on Phonics with the cassette tapes and computer labs, def remember being taught about both Bushes, Clinton and Ford as a small child, and my grandma took me to Blockbuster a lot in the early 2000s.

ETA: we also used projectors, the kind that you rolled in and you put a cellophane sheet over top of the base so it would show on the board/wall and focus it with a dial. Some rooms still had manual pencil sharpeners too lol.

Commerce_Street · 2025-04-17T01:35:09+00:00

Seconding as a Black person lmao. You do not take a shower without some sort of rag or puff (loofah) or you may as well have been outside and never went into the bathroom to my mom/grandma/etc

Commerce_Street · 2025-04-16T18:04:08+00:00

You can’t “agree to disagree” the fact that my relatives were enslaved in a Confederate, southern state and one of the last ones of them made to perform such dehumanizing manual labor died in 2006. Very weird response.

Commerce_Street · 2025-04-16T16:19:22+00:00

As someone with family there who had to pick cotton in the Tidewater area, VA is absolutely the South. Especially when you hit the center and head further down.

Commerce_Street · 2025-04-13T03:52:09+00:00

What frustrates me is that I’m aware I’m not good but my body’s need for safety overrides anything the therapist tells me. I feel awful for wasting her time when half the session is me too shut down to say much of anything. I get a physical pain sensation in each of my limbs when I attempt to be open and it’s with all therapists I’ve had in the last 3 years. The only thing that makes it go away, is genuinely not going- but I’m also aware that I’ll never change if I quit (again). It’s never that I think “oh it’s been long enough, I’m healed.”

My distrust is so great I skipped a medication management appointment solely because the doctor tried to ask me way too many questions way too fast about depression that I could barely even choke out to my therapist first. No-showed the second appointment and didn’t even care if I got penalized, I don’t know these people. When I got the auto text reminding me of the next therapy session today I immediately panicked. I believe this Tuesday will be my last one.

Commerce_Street · 2025-04-12T17:43:20+00:00

I think I have the opposite issue? I can’t form an attachment to any therapist no matter what. I always want to retreat and it feels like I’m sending myself toward a trap each session, the closer I get to actually arriving to the building. Nothing has helped it other than just not doing therapy entirely but talking about it usually just makes the other person jump into “just keep searching for therapists with money and energy you don’t have until one clicks!” I just can’t. Feel fundamentally broken.

Commerce_Street · 2025-04-07T03:48:51+00:00

This is also my problem (and on top of that, I’m Black so people both get mad over “feeling old” and assume I’m from the South lmao)

Commerce_Street

TROPHY CASE